The Guacamole Incident (11/31)

 

Int. The Castle, Living Room - Day

The living room's white walls are lightly stained from the beer of parties past. The beige carpet dingy yet clean enough to rest on. There are three couches that do not match forming a semi circle around a large flat screen TV positioned on a six-foot wooden table, game systems and assorted clatter litter the table as well. Behind the TV is a partition in the kitchen. The kitchen is the size of a narrow walk-in closet. There is a open door-frame connecting the living room and kitchen to the left of the TV from the viewer's side. There is a door leading outside parallel to this door-frame. There are two additional exits, one leading to a hallway with a bathroom and bedroom, the other leading to a spare room and the second floor.

GREG, 25, African-American, and DOUG, 23, Caucasian, flip through channels on opposite ends of the couch directly facing the TV. Greg is in a Tigger onesie, Doug in ripped jeans in two flannels with his chest exposed. BAST, 24, a short Caribbean man, is in the kitchen. He is in boxers and scratching himself as he finds his first meal of the day. Groggy, he opens the fridge. After a quick scan, he winkles his forehead.

BAST (off-screen)
Da fuq.

GREG
What's wrong, B?

BAST (poking head through kitchen door)
Did one of ya'll eat my guac?

DOUG
Noooope.

GREG

I still think it looks like boogers, so naw. (to Doug) This one?

DOUG

Nah, I don't wanna chance seeing a random episode. I'm still not caught up yet.

BAST (off-screen)

It has to be somewhere in here then. All this old ass food. There's too many people in this house!

GREG

It's not in your mini fridge?

BAST (off-screen)

Mm-mm.

GREG

...my mini fridge?

BAST (off-screen)

Nah, I wanted it close to my chips in the cabinet for easy access. Hold up. (he checks the cabinet) Still half full. Fuq is going on? (he pivots to throw something in the trash) [putting on an accent] Gotdammit, mon!

GREG 

(to Doug) Come on, this one?

DOUG

I'm not in the mood for Nick Cannon.

Greg throws the remote at Doug 

Bast enters the living room

BAST

Someone kilt it.

GREG

Wait, the whole thing?

BAST

Whole fuckin thing.

GREG

You ain't have none of it?

Bast shakes his head

GREG

Bruhhh.

VAN, 24, Caucasian, enters from the door leading to the rest of the house. She wears Bast's oversized hoodie and sleep-shorts. A bottle of Diet Coke is already in her hands.

VAN

Mornin, losers.

DOUG

(bending backwards over the couch) Van, you eat Bast's guac last night? 

VAN

H'what?

DOUG

'cording to Bast, it's all gone.

VAN

Fuck, I was gonna eat that today. Bitch, were you not gonna wake me up and eat it all yourself?

BAST

Nooo... just my half. Maybe a lil more.

VAN

Jerk. Thanks for the DC tho.

BAST

Yeah yeah yeah

Van walks past Bast and slaps his ass on the way to the kitchen.

BAST

Woman!

Van laughs and exits.

GREG

What you expect, B. You come down here after mornin sex with nothin on but some short shorts draggin that wagon. You lucky I'm sitting down or I'da down it first.

DOUG

Yeah, I woulda done it just to say "first."

GREG

(looking between his two friends) Hmm... Yeah I'd watch that.

Bast sits down on the couch against the wall, trying to hide his ass as best as possible.  

DOUG

Damn, cable is boring. Not even a good movie on. (turns off TV)

GREG

Fuck it, I'll just put some music on. (he starts searching his iPod already on the coffee table)

BAST

If not ya'll, then who? Paula's back home this weekend, and Chet wouldn't do it. ...who's lyin?

Van reemerges with salsa and a half-full bag of chips and sits next to Bast.

VAN

It coulda been Kaley.

GREG

(stopping his search) Wait, Kaley's here? I thought she went home.

VAN

Nah she caught a ride home with us last night, remember, Bast?

BAST

(blank look on his face) No I do not. Was I in the front seat on the ride home? (tries to remember)

VAN

We got one of those big taxis. Greg was in the front. 

GREG

Damn, I wasn't that drunk. I woulda noticed a second white girl down he-- you know what, nope. I def ran straight to the bathroom to poop and then straight to bed to get some air. (looking back to the bedroom) Damn, Chet, again?

DOUG

You think she's gonna stay the day?

GREG

Gawd, I hope not. Can't stand her. I'm not tryna make her cry again.

DOUG

Wait, where was I for that?!

GREG

It's not my fault you have friends besides us. And, you know, the bitch does eat people's food. Last week she just picked up my chips off my mini fridge and just started eating. She was like, "I thought it was house food." No, bitch, and even if it was, you don't live in this house!

BAST 

Hold up. (turning to Van) Didn't you say you saw her in our mini fridge one time?

VAN

Yeah, she was looking for something to drink and almost touch your Orange-Banana juice.

BAST

Not my blend! 

DOUG

So what, we think she snuck outta Chet's room in the middle of the night and scarfed down a whole tub of guac in like ten minutes?

VAN

She starves herself during the day. I've noticed cause I do it too. (nervous giggle)

BAST

And I keep telling you to eat.

GREG

Yeah. Damn. Fuckin Diet Coke-Coors Light ass diet.

VAN

(shrugs) You know I'd rather drink my calories.

GREG

Mm, and the bitch likes to smoke, too. Probably had the munchies. 

The gang mumbles in agreement .

BAST

But damn. The whole thing? And she didn't even hide the evidence.

GREG

Exactly. She has no shame. Why would she hide it? 

The sound of a door opens. A hooded figure quickly slides into the bathroom and closes the door. CHET, 25, Korean, enters the living room in a worn-out white t-shirt and pajama pants. His hair is disheveled but there's a smile on his face.

CHET

Aaah, good morning guys.

GREG

I bet it is for you. Reaping all the benefits of bringing a menace into our happy home. 

CHET

Hmm?

GREG

Was that flash of paleness Kaley?

CHET

Yeah, she's just finishing up her makeup.

DOUG

Was she with you the whole time last night?

CHET

Yeah, why?

DOUG

Like the whoooole time.

CHET

Mm-hmm

DOUG

Like the whoooooooooooole time.

CHET

Ok, what happened.

BAST

She ate my guac, man! (he starts to fake cry)

CHET

Really? I don't think she tasted like anything weird last night.

GREG

Gross.

VAN

He found his whole mini-tub of guac in the trash this morning, Chet.

CHET

Oh. Well, maybe Bast did it.

GREG

Ah true. You do have you're forget'ems.

BAST

There's a lot going on up here, and a lot gets thrown out, but I woulda remembered eating a whole ass thing of guac.

VAN

Would you tho?

BAST

Et tu, Van? 

VAN

I mean, I can see it. You, late at night, same thing you have on now, just eating out of the fridge, chewing that big dumb chew you do when you're in bliss.

GREG

Yeah, no, I can see it. too.

BAST

Ok, maybe, but I doubt it. No chip bits were in my teeth this morning. At least I think so. (he feels around his teeth with his tongue)

GREG

Van, is this a preview of... you know?

Van throws a couch cushion at Greg, misses, and asks for it back.

KALEY, 25. Caucasian exits the bathroom and hugs Chet from behind. She thin and dressed in pastels with a cropped black leather jacket and a Hello Kitty backpack.

BAST and GREG

Yooouuuuuuuu!

Kaley tries to hide behind Chet but he moves as if to say "What are you doing?"

DOUG

Got something to... confessssss, Kaley?

KALEY

What are ya'll talking about? 

BAST

Don't play dumb with us. You heard us from the bathroom. You ate my guac didn't you?

KALEY

What? No. I just woke up. Wait, there was guac here?

BAST 

Don't play dumb; it was last night after we got home from the bar. We all went to bed but youuuuu snuck out and spotted the one thing I had to look forward to in this hungover life of sin. Admit it?

KALEY

You all seem cranky, so I'm gonna leave. (kisses Chet on the cheek) I'll call you when I get home, ok?

Chet walked Kaley to the door as Bast and Greg boo. Kaley exits The Castle.

GREG

She lyin.

BAST

I ain't eat my own guac, Chet! I'm telling you.

CHET

Well, I don't think it was her either. She woulda admitted it and then ran away like she usually does. 

Bast and Greg pause to find this to be true.

BAST

Dammit, then who was it then?

GREG

The mystery's still afoot!

DOUG

(grabbing the remote) Ahn, maybe there's something on TV now.

Word

~~

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Boat Life

Excuse our mess. This is the last old piece of writing you'll get. I want the last five stories of this series to be great, so I didn't want to rush one for today. Instead, enjoy another excerpt from the script I hope to shop around someday... after I revise it a couple more times. Maybe. Who knows?

Int. Lively Cruises Galley - Day

A moderate sized cruise boat. The interior is lined with tables and customers. There is a bar behind a small dancefloor with a small stage off to the side.

Chet and Alanis sing Afternoon Delight to a young, dining Asian couple. They finish; the couple claps to be polite but it's clear they don't know the song or what it's about. He walks away. Alanis catches up with him.

ALANIS

I still can't believe you actually got Reese to clear that song.

CHET

I can't believe they didn't appreciate it. How do you not know Afternoon Delight? We're the same age! Goddamn Asians.

[They laugh.]

No, but seriously, if they don't tip me -

ALANIS

Tip us.

CHET

Right. Well, I'm not giving you 25% of a dollar.

ALANIS

They're not gonna stiff you that bad.

CHET

Whatever. I have to go check on a table of 60-something white ladies and pretend I like older women.

[Chet puts on his camera smile as he walks over to the table of women waving him over and lifting their empty mimosa glasses.]

Ext. Lively Cruises Dock - Day

Ebony continues her deckhand training as a Captain finishes showing her how to anchor a boat. Her attention wanders over to the ticket booth where she sees Claire staring at her. Claire realizes this and quarter turns to take a picture as if pretending she never saw Ebony.

EBONY

Hey, who works out of the ticket booth, again?

CAPT. CARL

The ticket booth operators, clearly.

[He looks over at the booth.]

Oh, right. And occasionally the photographers. Though I'm not sure why she's taking pictures of the boat. Hey, Claire! If you're gonna take pictures, at least take 'em of me with the trainee! We'll probably use it at the Holiday party. (back to Ebony) If you stick around that long.

[Ebony laughs.]

[Carl doesn't.]

So anyway, once you loop the rope around the post, you tie the knot. Now I'm gonna undo everything and watch you attempt to do this, alright? Ebony? Ebony?

[Ebony half-listens as she watches Claire photograph them out the side of her eye.]

EBONY

(snapping back) Yeah, totally. Let me at it.

[Ebony slaps her thighs and poses like a macho man before walking over and tripping on the rope. Carl catches her before she falls in the water.]

Claire looks at her camera and smiles.

Int. Lively Cruises Galley - Day

[The cruise has docked and passengers are filing off, some stumbling.]

ALANIS

God I love when we have cruises with open bar.

CHET

Whoever from corporate thought of a Bottomless Mimosa and Bloody Mary cruise, I thank them for these glorious tips.

ALANIS

See, I told you that couple would tip you.

CHET

Not them, the white people. That one group I was serving dropped a twenty each. I fucking love lil white ladies.

ALANIS

What’d that couple leave you?

CHET

Their phone numbers. I realized halfway through the one guy was gay. Which really confuses me: he should have definitely known Afternoon Delight. Anyway, I might give his number to Greg.

ALANIS

Are you gonna call the girl?

CHET

No. I don't want to upset my Carroll County upbringing.

ALANIS

Do you ever sleep inside you race? I'm starting to think you're self-racist.

CHET

Listen, when you're one of four Asian kids in the whole county and the only Asian girl is your sister, then we can talk.

ALANIS

You poor adopted bastard.

CHET

Listen, my parents may be lame but... No yeah, they're pretty lame. Thanks for rescuing me from South Korea though, I guess.

ALANIS

So what, you gonna go home with one of those old white ladies?

[Chet presents a twenty dollar bill with a phone number on it.]

You're shitting me.

CHET

If I need more from where this came from, I know who to call.

ALANIS

What did you sing for them, anyway?

CHET

Shook Me All Night Long. One of them said it was their daughter's favorite song, so I did it.

ALANIS

Are you ever gonna sing something not 70s or 80s?

CHET

Excuse you, I do 90s way more than I do 70s. Afternoon Delight was your idea anyway.

ALANIS

Thanks for doing that, by the way. It'll probably be the first and last time, though.

CHET

What do you mean? You skipping town and waited to the last minute to tell me or something?

Alanis looks around to make sure the busboys aren't in hearing range.

ALANIS

I heard a rumor that Corporate is cutting out performances on the boat and making most of the cruises buffet style.

CHET

(pause) Bullshit. We’re the main attraction. What else do they have to stand out if not singing and dancing waiters?

ALANIS

They want to expand the speedboat tours, I think.

[Chet looks out the window to see a speedboat tour on its way.]

CHET

Damn those motorized bastards to hell. So what, they're cutting the staff in half after this season?

ALANIS

Or transferring them to other departments, yeah.

CHET

Well, fuck. I guess everything's about to change then.

ALANIS

What do you mean?

CHET

You know the lease on my place is up this month. I'm not staying there another year; it's in a shitty part of town and Bonnie and Evan are moving to Philly anyway.

ALANIS

They didn't tell me that! Jeez, you think you're friends with your coworkers...

CHET

Yeah, anyway. I need to find a new place and roommates. Probably a cheaper place, too. But I don't know what's gonna be cheaper than my place now.

ALANIS

You're gonna quit aren't you?

CHET

Like you weren't thinking the same thing. Besides, I kinda wanna get back into acting. I haven’t been in a show since the winter. Gotta make sure my hype in Baltimore doesn't fade away.

ALANIS

Sure. I'll see you at the next waiting job. Who are you gonna get to live with you anyway?

[Chet gives a look at Alanis like she's supposed to know.]