At least I used to.
It's been a long time coming but I think I've finally kicked my habit.
Now, I have no doubts my attraction for the unattainable still lingers,
but I promise I'm better now.
For as long as I can remember, I've liked heteros.
It's actually how I realized I was gay.
Often in high school I would look at a guy I didn't know
and say to myself, "I'd like to be his friend."
Little did I know I meant to attach "boy" to the last word.
My freshman year of college
I repeatedly hit on one of my straight friends
until he started to ignore me and being in the same room with him became awkward.
It made me recall one of the rules I established
my freshman year of high school when I thought I was straight:
I can be cool with a gay guy as long as he doesn't hit on me.
I have since realized that this is a ridiculous stipulation of who to associate with.
But even my first straight rejection didn't stop me from chasing after other guys.
Once... I can't believe I'm telling you this.
I obviously won't say who, but at a small get together my freshman year
a guy I had a crush on compared members with me in front of everyone.
That threw me off and misled me like no other.
I later chalked it up to white guys being way more comfortable with their sexuality,
at least that group of white guys. Love those guys.
Another pivotal moment in my hetero perusing career
is the night a friend drove me home from a party.
A year and a half prior, I heard he experimented with a gay friend of mines.
By this time, I was a senior and decided to live life with no regrets.
So I cracked a joke and kissed him on the lips.
He pushed me off and I could only laughed as I got out and walked to my apartment.
This instance taught me that not all people who've had a same sex experience are LGBT, quite an important lesson to learn if I do say so myself.
Luckily we're still friends. He's a good kid.
Let me take this time to say that active male LGBT allies trick me up the most.
They're so rare; I believe unicorns to be more real than they are.
Luckily I've met one that treats me with great respect,
makes gay jokes that are tasteful and doesn't go over the line,
and attends LGBT events whenever he's available.
Yes, I've lusted after him once or twice,
but I recognize his heterosexuality.
He's my favorite mystical creature.
But he wasn't the one that set me straight, pardon the pun.
I worked with a guy at my school over the summer
that everyone swore was queer
even though he had a girlfriend.
So one drunken night, I professed my love for him
and he gently let me down.
I started to sob as he walked away.
I know, I didn't expect it either.
Apparently I really liked the guy.
Usually when something like that happens
I stop talking to the guy and just act awkward.
It's not the best strategy and it stressed me out,
but that's how I operated back then.
So I see him the next day, and all goes as planned.
But the day after we're back to our usual antics.
I really appreciated that.
The following school year I met his girlfriend.
She was nice... but I still plotted to get her out of the picture.
Yes, I was one of those gays that fantasized of the straight guy leaving his gal for me.
I've written a poem and a short story about it.
I had no shame.
However, I've known the two of them close to two years now.
I have no doubt he's been aware of my feelings for him.
Perhaps she has as well.
But they're both extremely friendly to me,
occasionally inviting me over to hang and catch up.
Our friendship has shown me that I can be friends with a straight guy I like.
A crush that I thought was true love for over a year
blossomed into a genuine friendship that includes his girlfriend.
And I only realized this last week.
Being so fresh off the lust for straight guys
I wonder how long I can keep from fooling myself
I'll run off with one into the sunset.
Since high school, helping a guy realize he was gay
or at least being a straight guy's experiment
has been my deepest fantasy.
I realize now that no true happiness will arise from that.
That's my key, and I hope it keeps the door
to myself realization unlocked.
Word.
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