I have never had a desire to drive a car.
A relative once told me that when I was 6,someone left their car door open
and I tried to drive away in it.
I'm almost positive they were talking to the wrong nephew.
Between the poor skills I display at arcade racing games and my constant drowsiness as a passenger, I am spooked of the driver's seat.
Of course, I've been told that actually driving
is different from both of those experiences,
but you don't really cure someone's anxieties
by telling them "everything's going to be okay."
So as a 25 year old member of society
and an official two-year resident of Baltimore,
I feel authorized on how to help you
live in a city without the use of a personal vehicle.
Whether you're a scaredy cat like me
or you're just in between cars
because your old one was a piece of shit
and you don't have the funds/credit for a new one,
this guide is for you.
1) Work within a 7-mile radius of your place of residence
Listen, getting to work is a hassle when you have a car.
Now you have to figure out a way there,
and the less you have to travel, the better.
If you have the option or opportunity to work from home,
now would be the time to take it.
If not, it's time to move on to tip 2.
2) Become familiar with your city's bus system
Save the environment,
carpool with strangers near you!
The bus is not filled with scum;
the bus is full of your new friends.
Just don't talk to them,
they hate being bothered on the way to work.
If you live in a respectable city,
there will be a bus stop no less than 2 blocks from you.
With the help of the internet,
you can find whether that bus will take you directly to your destination
or if you'll have to get off at some point and transfer to another bus.
While switching buses can be annoying, it's not much trouble...
as long as the busses are on time,
which if you're in any respectable city they won't be.
Just learn the CPTimes of your bus and have change handy, you'll be fine.
If you still find taking the bus beneath you,
move on to tip 3.
3) Live with or date a person with a car
When carless, the more roommates the better!
Shift your begging as frequently as possible
so that one person alone isn't burdened
by your inability to navigate the road alone.
This should work well if you roommates
have similar schedules to yours.
If you happen to be living with a jerk
or other carless freaks,
it's time to latch on to a stranger with a car.
Hopefully you're good a dating,
keeping a person interested,
and having them sleep at your place all the time,
because you will need the skills.
Don't make it seem like they're your chauffeur
in exchange for rent money;
it should be more like in-house bartering.
Eventually, however, like all lousy couples,
you will break up and have to find a new way of getting around.
Well, that's why there are more tips, friend.
4) Befriend a Lyft/Uber driver
Don't take taxis/cabs.
They've been known to rip decent folk off
with their perilous "flat rates."
Be a true citizen of the 21st century
and help gentrify the neighbor with Lyft and Uber drivers.
With use of the app, you can see who's picking you up,
their ETA, and what kind of fancy car they drive.
That's right, no more mystery cab smells for you!
Sometimes the drivers even have candy!!!
And their rates aren't too shabby either.
However, if you don't trust strangers
in 1-on-1 situations, perhaps this next tip will do the trick.
5) If available, use Citibike and/or Zipcar
Have a license but no car? Use Zipcar.
You rent it for an hour, a day, park it back
in a Zipcar location, and you're done.
No license but like exercise? Use Citibike.
Pedal your way across town and get there eventually.
Don't know how to ride a bike?
Neither of these services are available in your town?
Well... uh...
6) Become comfortable spending time at home
Who needs a social life, right?
Home is where the heart is
and home is where you'll stay.
Because, let's face it,
you're not gonna walk somewhere.
What is this, 1920?
Who are you, your grandparents?
No, just relax at home.
You're in the city.
There's a liquor store down the street
and Netflix calling your name.
If you still crave human interaction,
this would be a good time to test how popular you are
and see if you can get people to come to you.
Then, shit, seems like you just got a new chauffeur.
Word.
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