Pilot Season

INT. ERNIE’S BEDROOM - DAY

Ernie’s bedroom is moderately sized. Movie and sitcom posters cover the walls. On the stand next to his bed are multiple crushed empty bar cans, a half empty bottle of bourbon, and an oversized black dildo. Ernie lies on his bed face down with his laptop closed next to him.

There’s a knock at the door. Jeremy and Vernon crack open his door and stand in the doorway.

JEREMY

Hey budddddddy. How ya feeling? Doing better?

ERNIE

[muffled, into his pillow] I’m not hungover; I’m just sad.

JEREMY

We know, buddy. We know. It’s just that… well, it’s been like two months.

ERNIE

Seven weeks, two days, thirteen hours, and twenty-one minutes. It’s my new hobby.

JEREMY

Yeah, but don’t you have a better hobby that would actually take your mind of that?

VERNON

Motherfucker, write something for us already! Ya sad fuck!

JEREMY

What Vernon is trying to say is that your actor friends would like to get this Youtube thing off the ground. You know so we can get our names out there.

VERNON

Yeah, I’m tryna get my dick sucked and pulling up our bomb ass video with mad views on my phone is definitely gonna help.

JEREMY

Relax, you know he doesn’t like pressure.

VERNON

Jeremy, this lazy fuck should have had something for us even before Jason left!

JEREMY

Hey, he can’t help his depression. It comes in waves, and [whispers] thou who shall not be named [regular voice] abandoning us sure didn’t help. Although I’m sure all the drinking Ernie’s been doing isn’t helping.

ERNIE

[turning over] Stop talking about me like I’m not here. And we basically live in a frat house; how do you expect me to not be constantly drunk?

VERNON

Well if you were not drunk or depressed long enough to write us some good shit, we wouldn’t be harassing you.

ERNIE

Joke’s on you, I have been writing stuff. I just don’t like any of it. Also none of them are finished. I kind of just keep starting and stopping and moving on ‘cause it’s all shit. All shit. Just like me.

[Ernie turns onto his stomach again and pulls a pillow over his head. Jeremy sits on his bed while Vernon walks more into the room but hovers close to the door.]

JEREMY

Hey, hey. Ernie, I’m sure it’s good stuff. Your brain’s probably just playing tricks with you. What do you call that guy again?

ERNIE

Clarence.

JEREMY

Right, Clarence is just making you see the wackness when you need to be seeing the dopeness.

VERNON

Yeah, fuck Clarence!

ERNIE

Don’t use one of my favorite movies on me. [pause] Fine. You’re probably right.

JEREMY

I know I am. Now…

[Jeremy eyes Ernie’s laptop and reaches for it.]

...if me and Vernon could just take a peek at a few of them.

[Ernie snatches his laptop and tucks it under his chest.]

ERNIE

Hell no.

VERNON

Oh, come on! Just let us look at ‘em so we can tell you which one we like so you can work on it more and we can make you the next Donald Glover or whatever.

ERNIE

[poking his head up] Oh. Well, when you put it that way.

[Ernie sits up and hands his laptop over to Jeremy. He then reaches for the bottle of bourbon, taking sips from it intermittently.]

JEREMY

Thank you. What’s your password again?

[Ernie leans to whisper in Jeremy’s ear.]

VERNON

Oh, fuck you too, Ernie.

JEREMY

Alright, I’m assuming they’re all in this folder labeled “You Worthless Fuck”?

ERNIE

No, that’s basically my Burnbook, I mean journal folder. You want “What Is This Shit?”

JEREMY

Ah, true. Makes sense. Alright we’ve got three scripts in here. Not bad, man. Ok, first one up: Earnestly Ernest.

VERNON

That title sucks.

JEREMY

You’re not helping.

[Jeremy skims the document.]

Um… ok, it’s only one scene and it’s basically what I’m assuming is a word-for-word retelling of the last conversation you had with Ja-- I mean, some guy we used to know. You sure this one shouldn’t be in the “Fuck” folder?

ERNIE

It has some worth, I think. Also, it’s not word for word. I cleaned up the language a lot.

JEREMY

Mm, well, still, I feel like this might be a little too fresh for us to work on now.

ERNIE

You are correct, sir.

JEREMY

Alright, next one: Feels.

VERNON

You’re really in touch with your emotions, huh there, buddy? What’s this one, a bunch of people sitting around in a circle bitching about their problems with Ernie’s usual snark through in?

JEREMY

Actually, this one’s about a pink monster that runs around demanding hugs from everyone. Imagine a Barney-sized Ditto that doesn’t have boundaries. It’d be kind of sweet if it didn’t come off a little rape-y.

ERNIE

It’s not rape-y, it’s needy. It has a huge yearning for the human touch.

JEREMY

Yeah, but he just goes up to everyone and doesn’t ask their consent.

ERNIE

He’s a bad communicator!

JEREMY

Well, he’d have to be more of a villain than a sympathetic character.

ERNIE

Mmm, agree to disagree.

[Ernie takes a large swig of bourbon. Vernon reaches out for the bottle. Ernie hesitantly hands it over. Vernon takes a swig and hands the bottle back.]

JEREMY

Oh shit. Ernie, I like this Kept Man one though. Do you think you can break it up?

ERNIE

No, that’s definitely more of an one-man piece. I kind of wrote it with you in mind, Jeremy.

JEREMY

Really? Oh buddy, you shouldn’t have. This is brilliant. Honestly.

VERNON

Whoa whoa whoa. No way am I gonna let Jeremy be the breakout star; if anyone deserves a one man show, it’s me.

JEREMY

Vernon, relax. We obviously can’t open our channel with just me. It’s gonna be something ensembly. Besides, this would set the bar waaaay too high for us.

[Jeremy smirks at Ernie who smirks back.]

VERNON

Ugh, you two are gross. Just bang already.

[Ernie takes another swig from the bottle and looks away from Jeremy.]

So what are we gonna do? We still don’t have shit.

JEREMY

Ernie, do you think you could work on a couple more scripts? I think I have an idea or two to toss your way.

ERNIE

I don’t know. I was hoping to wallow in my own filth a little more, but I guess I can clean up my act a bit.

JEREMY

Perfect. Vernon, makes us some breakfast! Ernie and I are gonna workshop some.

VERNON

It’s basically brunch at this point.

ERNIE

Yes, I’ll take a mimosa, please.

[Vernon rolls his eyes as he snatches the bottle from Ernie and takes another sip. He throws the bottle back on the bed and leaves the room while Ernie and Jeremy begin to hatch out a plan of action.]

RideShare Confessions

Alright, is this thing on? Cool, alright, cool. Um, I guess, what’s up, Youtube? I’m not even sure if amateur vlogging is still a thing or if anyone will watch a black gay guy on the internet, but here I go. Shoot, is this my “My Coming Out” video already? Nah. I mean, the story I want to tell you all is basically me coming out in more ways than one.

Anyway, yeah. So, I’m not sure if this is going to be a regular thing, depends on how well this video does. As you can probably guess from the title, I drive for [company redacted]. These are my stories. Well, one of them, at least.

This actually happened three days ago, but it’s been on my mind all weekend. It must have been around 8:12 at night. Actually yeah, I’m checking my profile now. I picked this white girl up; excuse me, I picked up this drunk white woman. I’d guess she was fresh outta college or a couple years out cause she had definitely been pregaming but by herself which I found a little weird, but she also seemed to be headed over to a friend’s house from the address I was driving to.

So, she gets in my Honda Civic, backseat - thank God - and lets out this long burp that smells like Bud Light. I, too, have low standards for alcohol consumption. I know my stuff. Then she goes, “Oh my god, you’re gay. I love you. I feel safer already.” For a second I’m wondering how she figured I was gay, then I remembered I have a freaking rainbow flag keychain hanging from my rearview mirror. So I just smile into the mirror and say, “Yeah, yeah, I am.”

I’m hoping that’d be the end of it, but obviously I’m telling you this story for a reason. “I’ve never met a gay black guy before. Can you vogue?” She lives in this city and hasn’t been around enough black people that one of them’s gay, but she knows enough about us to ask me a dumb question like that? I blame Madonna. ...and yeah, of course I can vogue. Very well, no, so don’t ask me to do so in the comments, because I’m never gonna drink and vlog for ya’ll.

I try ignoring her by discreetly turning up the volume from my steering wheel hoping Ariana Grande would distract her, but she wasn’t drunk enough to start carpool karaoking. “I mean, can you? Cause I follow vogueclips on Instagram, and I feel like I’ve seen you on there.” Racist ass… “Naw, I’ve never been on there; don’t really go out like that.” That’s a lie, but I’m not tryna connect with her. Then she says, “That’s a shame. I’d love to see your sexy ass on a dancefloor sometime. Me and my friends are going to the Rockwell tonight. You should totally join us.” My Honda almost stopped like a record scratch. White girl say wha’?

I go, “Oh honey. No, no. I gay, me no bi, mami.” I’m just gonna apologize to all my Latinx viewers; that’s just how it came out. Papi at the corner store is just very influential over my speech pattern on occasion. But she didn’t even notice, she just goes says, “Yeah, but all my gay guy friends have slept with me. Like, only two of them said they liked it, but I don’t know, gay guys are usually just drawn to me, you know?”

“Well, I’m good. Also, I’m married.” Which isn’t a lie. See, kiss the ring, bitches! Maybe I’ll have him on sometime. Again depends on how well this goes.

Do you know what this lady responded with? “I don’t see what that has to do with anything?” Do white women have a stereotype of being homewreckers that I missed, or is she a special case?

I didn’t even want to look at her by this point, but then I hear her unlock her seatbelt. Next thing I know, I feel her breath on my neck. I flinch, but before I can get away, she starts sucking on my neck. Ya’ll, I can’t even lie to ya’ll, it felt oddly good. Maybe she actually had a secret talent for turning gay men. Maybe she was created in a lab by republicans. I may never know, cause then she bit into my neck and I could feel her starting to break the skin. So, I pinch my head to my shoulder to break free.

“Can you not? I’m actually Positive.” And that’s when she lost it. She yelled at me for me to stop the car and started calling me all kinds of names I can’t remember. But I let her out about five minutes from her friend’s place. “I can’t believe you tried to kill me, you freaking AIDS monkey,” and then she slammed the car. I didn’t even know people still spoke like that, but leave it to white people to surprise you with a vintage slur. Ya’ll it took a lot for me not to get out that car and give her a piece of my mind, but we were definitely in the white part of town, and I didn’t want to risk being the next name ya’ll chant. So I gave her one star and kept it moving.

Some of ya’ll might be asking why I didn’t report her? Honestly, it’s not a big deal. People freak out. I get it. They think HIV and AIDS are still death sentences. For real, there was a time in my life when I would have freaked out like that, too. Maybe I did freak out like that. But there’s so many steps and meds out there now. I could prob do another video just on that. But I ain’t a doctor; I’m just a driver. Maybe I’ll see you around. Til then, peace.

Covered in Songs, Part 2: Collection

Forewarning, I won't be covering the most popular covers ever. Well, possibly a few of them. We all know the golden standards: Whitney's And I Will Always Love You and Hendrix' All Along the Watchtower. I've even reported on a couple renditions towards the end of last year, including Ellie Goulding's Take Me to Church by Hozier and Erykah's Hotline Bling by Drake.

This post around, I'll be "covering" a few of my favorite remakes of the 90s, 00s, and now along with suggestions from the Facebook community. To listen to any song I mention, just click on the artist's name - original or cover artist - because a post full of videos is a mess, and I'm considerate towards your browsers.

Scott Bradlee with members of the Postmodern Jukebox collective

Youtube Channel covers
More times than not, YouTube covers are looked down upon as unworthy of our time. That's because they're plentiful and often filmed in coffee shops or bedrooms. These two YouTube collectives, however, deserve our attention for their originality and creativity. 

Pentatonix

If you haven't heard about Pentatonix, you probably have and didn't realize it. Before they released their first album of originals, the five part a capella group turned their failed contract from the Sing Off into a lucrative YouTube channel, covering songs from Fleet Foxes to an anthology of Michael Jackson songs. 

If Christmas is your jam, they've released two and a half albums of that variety. (I highly suggest Mary, Did You Know?) Between the four part harmonies, vocal arrangements featuring a prominent beat boxer, and colorful videos, Pentatonix is definitely a group to check out.

Postmodern Jukebox

Led by pianist and arranger Scott Bradlee, the Postmodern Jukebox are a collection of (mostly jazz) singers and musicians that take the hits of the last 40 years and transpose them through the musical styles of the 1920s through 60s.

Notable tracks include Miley Cyrus's We Can't Stop as Doo Wop, Ariana Grande's Focus in the style of Ray Charles, and Guns and Roses' Sweet Child of Mine as a New Orleans swing. There's also a Sad Clown that sings Sia's Chandelier.

Beatles covers

The Beatles are by far the most covered artists of all time. Here's my obligatory salute to their accomplishment. 

Fiona Apple - Across the Universe

Fiona Apple sings like a melancholy songbird soaring above the wreckage of the world as she tries to heal the land with her melody. Not a far stretch from the song's appearance on the Pleasantville soundtrack. Some have called it better than the original track. I don't disagree. 

Boyz II Men - Yesterday

The Philly R&B group did the unexpected by covering this Beatles' song, as an a capella arrangement, no less. The groups bass singer perfectly captures the essence of the strings section of the original recording. Sprinkle three majestic black voices on top of that, and Yesterday feels like today.

[Foreseeing the length of this post, this concludes my Beatles' coverage. If you yearn for more, there's a Wikipedia page dedicated to all the official covers.]

Ingrid Michaelson

Acoustic covers
Ingrid Michaelson - Creep by Radiohead
Radiohead's Creep is a song of loneliness and self loathing. Choosing to sing over ukelele strumming, Ingrid Michaelson offers an offputting bubbly take on the song. Creep becomes a song about recognizing where you don't belong and moving on with your life under Michaelson. 

Katy Perry - Black and Gold by Sam Sparro and Electric Feel by MGMT

Katy Perry is often critiqued for featuring weak or pitchy vocal performances on her own songs. I offer up a hypothesis that her songs are simply overproduced, as Katy sounds wonderful over an acoustic guitar. While both songs consist of heavy production to get its bop across, Katy is able to make acoustic covers danceable through the power of her voice alone. 

Grizzly Bear - Too Little Too Late by Jojo
It's hard to imagine an indie, chillwave band covering a moderately catchy pop song from a teenaged girl with a great voice, but that's what makes Grizzly Bear's rendition so good. Opening with minor keys of the piano and an chant that turns the bridge of the original into a warning, Daniel Rossen proceeds to entrance us his smooth voice. 

Obadiah Parker - Hey Ya by Outkast

Though not my favorite cover, Obadiah Parker's Hey Ya is popular with the Facebook community, and I can understand why. Hey Ya became so popular that it became annoying to listen to. This stripped down portrayal of Andre 3000's solo debut offered a break from the catchy beat. Consider it an island vacation spent on a hammock instead of the resort's dancehall. 

Ella Erye

Indie covers
Chet Faker - No Diggity by Blackstreet

Chet Faker is a white man covering an R&B song while managing to keep its soul in tact. Probably for the best, Chet Faker chose to use the top 40s, rap free version of the song. His lazy, nonchalant singing style adds to the laid back feel of the song. Spitting game is his forte, after all. Though the organ sounds like it belongs in a Nissan commercial, it oddly fits the vibe. 

Durand Bernarr - Bitch Don't Kill My Vibe by Kendrick Lamar

Probably one of my favorite covers of the past five years, Durand Bernarr offers up a soulful rendition of one of Kendrick's most popular songs. Wording the chorus into a more polite approach and adding Monica's Just One of Those Days as the bridge, Durand transforms the ingredients of this song perfectly. 

Scavenger Hunt - Latch by Disclosure ft Sam Smith

During a Capital Cities concert, Scavenger Hunt opened for the band. Along with their original songs, they included a sultry version of Latch. Stripped down but still electronic in nature, it's a surprise the singer's alto didn't cause couples in the audience to commence baby making immediately. It's the perfect balance between Disclosure's and the acoustic version of the track. Definitely add this to your sex playlist. 

DrDr - Cry Me a River by Justin Timberlake

Cry Me a River is a song of a lover scorned seeking revenge. DrDr's version takes it a step further and add a nightwatcher element. The updated take on Timberland's production literally sounds like a stalker tiptoeing behind their prey. There's truly something to be said when a woman covers a song originally sung by a man. 

Ella Eyre - We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off by Jermaine Stewart

Originally produced in the 80s, Jermaine Stewart gave the world a standardly campy song with a serious message during the height of the AIDS epidemic. However, due to the heavy synth, it's easy for the song to be taken as a dance song about exploring other options, leading to Gym Class Hereos' homage to the song. 

Luckily, Ella Erye recognized the relevance of the track as we fight for rape rates to drop. She recorded a more serious and soulful version of the song that truly drives the point home. Take a moment and cry to this. 

Band of Horses

Respect covers
Cee Lo Green - No One's Gonna Love You by Band of Horses and
Band of Horses feat. the UGA Redcoat Maching Band- Georgia by Cee Lo Green

Found on Cee Lo's LadyKiller, No One's Gonna Love You is probably one of my favorite tracks from him. I was honestly surprised to discover the song was originally by Band of Horses. Cee Lo's version offers up the soul and strife the track lacked. 
After realizing this, Band of Horses decided to return the favor by covering Georgia, a single that never landed on a Cee Lo album. Oddly enough, they add the folky nature Georgia needed. It goes to show that more artists should occasionally write for others in the industry. 

Chance the Rapper

Main Stream covers
Chance the Rapper - Everyday is Wonderful from Arthur
The 90s were probably the best decade for theme songs, particularly from cartoons. PBS's reggae-theme for Arthur, sung by Ziggy Marley, is what originally inspired me to watch the show. Chance the Rapper must have felt the same reaction, as he and his collective The Social Experiment releases their own version of the song. It's an inspiration bop that can get you through your darkest days. Because everyday, it could be wonderful. 

James Blake - Limit to Your Love by Feist
Another song I had no idea was a cover, Limit to Your Love takes Feist's tender and confrontational song and transforms it into a haunting record full of despair. Choosing to use fewer lyrics and create loops and rounds of his voice, the song becomes a chant as you fall through the emptiness of your soul. It's a wonderful feeling. 

Flaming Lips - Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes

By some sorcery, the Flaming Lips created a more intense version of Seven Nation Army. Screamed mostly through a megaphone, it sounds as if Wayne Coyne is leading an army through the desert of Mad Max: Fury Road. It's actually surprising they didn't use it for the soundtrack. The woos during the instrumental chorus pulls the track together.

Whitney Houston - I'm Every Woman by Chaka Chan

Attempting to stray from the disco roots of the song, Whitney opens her version with a sensual intro backed by every woman she embodies. The track then breaks into an updated disco track suitable for the 90s. Some would argue her vocals out do Chaka's much like she did to Dolly. However, Whitney knows how to respect her fellow divas and shouts Chaka's name during the outro.

Janelle Monae - Smile by Charlie Chaplin/Nat King Cole

Originally composed by Charlie Chaplin without lyrics, Nat King Cole gave voice to Smile. Years later, Janelle Monáe covered the song on her first EP. The heart and soul Janelle adds to her rendition would make you think she wrote it herself. The power and pain behind her voice as she sings over a bass guitar (and eventually keyboard) resonants within you. 

Seether - Careless Whisper by George Michael 

If you don't want to click on the George Michael link, just know this is that catchy song with the saxophone that became a meme. There's no further stretch for this record than a hard rock version, but Seether manages to capture a completely different essence that George Michael's sultry stylings could never comprehend. This is great for a night drive. 

Nirvana and Kid Cudi - Where Did You Sleep Last Night by Leadbelly/American Folk

Dating back to the 1870's to an unknown composer, the distinct origins of Where Did You Sleep Last Night are untraceable. Leadbelly released the first commercial version of the song in the 1940s, but Nirvana most notably publicized the song during the MTV Unplugged set. Kurt Cobain offered the suffering the song was most likely routed in. 
Years later, Kid Cudi produced a version of the song under the name WZRD for the album of the same name. Though it does not feature the same pain Cobain portrayed, Cudi offers a more melodic version I find particular enticing. 

Childish Gambino - U Don't Have to Call by Usher and So Into You by Tamia

It wouldn't be a music post by Wacko without me talking about Donald Glover. He has a variety of covers, but these two are his most recent. 

U Don't Have to Call is a mixtape cover, which means there are plenty of liberties taken. The track starts of as a ballad and moves into a night ride through the city. He wraps up his version with a monologue, attempt to get the attention of a woman without being to desperate. 
So Into You is more of a serious cover, it being one of Gambino's favorite songs. Forgoing the Fabolous route, he sings the entire song start to finish. Starting with simple snaps, by the time he reaches the bridge, his full band joins him to encapsulate the track. It's sweet and wonderful and everything you will ever need. 

Thus concludes look inside cover songs. I hope you enjoyed the long short list I've put together for you. Disagree with any of my picks? Want to suggest more songs to me? Leave a comment below; maybe they'll be a part 3 someday. A long long day from now. 

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