Boat Life

Excuse our mess. This is the last old piece of writing you'll get. I want the last five stories of this series to be great, so I didn't want to rush one for today. Instead, enjoy another excerpt from the script I hope to shop around someday... after I revise it a couple more times. Maybe. Who knows?

Int. Lively Cruises Galley - Day

A moderate sized cruise boat. The interior is lined with tables and customers. There is a bar behind a small dancefloor with a small stage off to the side.

Chet and Alanis sing Afternoon Delight to a young, dining Asian couple. They finish; the couple claps to be polite but it's clear they don't know the song or what it's about. He walks away. Alanis catches up with him.

ALANIS

I still can't believe you actually got Reese to clear that song.

CHET

I can't believe they didn't appreciate it. How do you not know Afternoon Delight? We're the same age! Goddamn Asians.

[They laugh.]

No, but seriously, if they don't tip me -

ALANIS

Tip us.

CHET

Right. Well, I'm not giving you 25% of a dollar.

ALANIS

They're not gonna stiff you that bad.

CHET

Whatever. I have to go check on a table of 60-something white ladies and pretend I like older women.

[Chet puts on his camera smile as he walks over to the table of women waving him over and lifting their empty mimosa glasses.]

Ext. Lively Cruises Dock - Day

Ebony continues her deckhand training as a Captain finishes showing her how to anchor a boat. Her attention wanders over to the ticket booth where she sees Claire staring at her. Claire realizes this and quarter turns to take a picture as if pretending she never saw Ebony.

EBONY

Hey, who works out of the ticket booth, again?

CAPT. CARL

The ticket booth operators, clearly.

[He looks over at the booth.]

Oh, right. And occasionally the photographers. Though I'm not sure why she's taking pictures of the boat. Hey, Claire! If you're gonna take pictures, at least take 'em of me with the trainee! We'll probably use it at the Holiday party. (back to Ebony) If you stick around that long.

[Ebony laughs.]

[Carl doesn't.]

So anyway, once you loop the rope around the post, you tie the knot. Now I'm gonna undo everything and watch you attempt to do this, alright? Ebony? Ebony?

[Ebony half-listens as she watches Claire photograph them out the side of her eye.]

EBONY

(snapping back) Yeah, totally. Let me at it.

[Ebony slaps her thighs and poses like a macho man before walking over and tripping on the rope. Carl catches her before she falls in the water.]

Claire looks at her camera and smiles.

Int. Lively Cruises Galley - Day

[The cruise has docked and passengers are filing off, some stumbling.]

ALANIS

God I love when we have cruises with open bar.

CHET

Whoever from corporate thought of a Bottomless Mimosa and Bloody Mary cruise, I thank them for these glorious tips.

ALANIS

See, I told you that couple would tip you.

CHET

Not them, the white people. That one group I was serving dropped a twenty each. I fucking love lil white ladies.

ALANIS

What’d that couple leave you?

CHET

Their phone numbers. I realized halfway through the one guy was gay. Which really confuses me: he should have definitely known Afternoon Delight. Anyway, I might give his number to Greg.

ALANIS

Are you gonna call the girl?

CHET

No. I don't want to upset my Carroll County upbringing.

ALANIS

Do you ever sleep inside you race? I'm starting to think you're self-racist.

CHET

Listen, when you're one of four Asian kids in the whole county and the only Asian girl is your sister, then we can talk.

ALANIS

You poor adopted bastard.

CHET

Listen, my parents may be lame but... No yeah, they're pretty lame. Thanks for rescuing me from South Korea though, I guess.

ALANIS

So what, you gonna go home with one of those old white ladies?

[Chet presents a twenty dollar bill with a phone number on it.]

You're shitting me.

CHET

If I need more from where this came from, I know who to call.

ALANIS

What did you sing for them, anyway?

CHET

Shook Me All Night Long. One of them said it was their daughter's favorite song, so I did it.

ALANIS

Are you ever gonna sing something not 70s or 80s?

CHET

Excuse you, I do 90s way more than I do 70s. Afternoon Delight was your idea anyway.

ALANIS

Thanks for doing that, by the way. It'll probably be the first and last time, though.

CHET

What do you mean? You skipping town and waited to the last minute to tell me or something?

Alanis looks around to make sure the busboys aren't in hearing range.

ALANIS

I heard a rumor that Corporate is cutting out performances on the boat and making most of the cruises buffet style.

CHET

(pause) Bullshit. We’re the main attraction. What else do they have to stand out if not singing and dancing waiters?

ALANIS

They want to expand the speedboat tours, I think.

[Chet looks out the window to see a speedboat tour on its way.]

CHET

Damn those motorized bastards to hell. So what, they're cutting the staff in half after this season?

ALANIS

Or transferring them to other departments, yeah.

CHET

Well, fuck. I guess everything's about to change then.

ALANIS

What do you mean?

CHET

You know the lease on my place is up this month. I'm not staying there another year; it's in a shitty part of town and Bonnie and Evan are moving to Philly anyway.

ALANIS

They didn't tell me that! Jeez, you think you're friends with your coworkers...

CHET

Yeah, anyway. I need to find a new place and roommates. Probably a cheaper place, too. But I don't know what's gonna be cheaper than my place now.

ALANIS

You're gonna quit aren't you?

CHET

Like you weren't thinking the same thing. Besides, I kinda wanna get back into acting. I haven’t been in a show since the winter. Gotta make sure my hype in Baltimore doesn't fade away.

ALANIS

Sure. I'll see you at the next waiting job. Who are you gonna get to live with you anyway?

[Chet gives a look at Alanis like she's supposed to know.]

Charles and Jr., 4th Grade Drama Queens

A fragrant aroma filled the kitchen as Jr’s mother open the deep fryer. She grabbed her tongs and carefully removed each croquete, placing them on the paper toweled plate. Jr and his best friend Charles swung their legs under the kitchen table as they raced each other to finish their math homework.

“Done!” Charles slammed his pencil down.

“Ugh, I only have two problems left. How do you always beat me?” Jr asked, hiding how impressed he was with his friend’s division skills.

“It’s hard to explain, but I have a system. I dunno; it makes sense in my head.”

“Teach me.”

“ ‘member when I tried to teach you my adding trick in 2nd grade? It’s kinda the same thing.”

“Oh never mind, then.” Though they received nearly all the same grades, Jr knew Charles was smarter than him. Absorbing his knowledge was just one of the reasons he liked having him around.

Pleased that the boys had finished their homework, Jr’s mother placed the now cool plate of snacks in front of them, two put aside for herself and her daughter. “I’d be worried about you boys finishing so fast if it wasn’t usually right.” She had long stopped checking her children’s homework, believing they’d catch their own mistakes. “Now, tell me more about this play? Your class is putting on the Wizard of Oz?”

Charles laughed. “No, Mrs. Almeida. It’s the Wiz.”

“I’m not understanding; that’s what I said.” Her English was nearly perfect, but cultural references were still lost on her.

“The Wiz. It’s like the Wizard of Oz, but the black one. My mom says it’s a negro classic. The music is soooo good.”

“Yeah, I want to be the Scarecrow,” Jr shouted.

Charles frowned. “I wanted to be the Scarecrow.” Jr started to offer up the role to him, but Charles interrupted. “That’s ok. I can be the Tinman. I’ve been practicing the robot, so I think I’ll be good for it.” He pushed himself from the table and began doing a decent pop-and-lock routine. Jr’s mom clapped along as Jr improvised a beat. When he spun around and stuck his hands up signifying he was done, he was met with light applause. Charles took a bite from his croquete as a reward. “Mmm, Puerto Rican food is so good.”

“No, Charlie. I keep telling you, we’re Portuguese,” she corrected the child, trying not to scold him.

“Por-te-guys. Got it. I’m sorry, Mrs Almeida. It won’t happen again.” She smiled, appreciative he was at least trying. Then the doorbell rang. “Mom!”

“I’ll get it. You stay in here and finish your snack. I don’t want crumbs on my carpet.” Jr’s mother answered the door and hugged Charles’ mother. “Deirdre, you’re early. I wasn’t expecting you for another half hour.”

“Traffic on the freeway was surprisingly light today. Did the boys finish their homework?” she asked.

“Yes!” Jr answered from the kitchen. “Charles and I are gonna be the Scarecrow.” The boys chuckled.

A worried look flashed across her face. “I see the school finally sent home the flyers for the school musical this year.”

“Are you ok? Charles told me you liked the Wizard.” Jr’s mom had a knack for noticing facial ticks.

“Huh?” Charles’ mother had to think for a moment. “Oh, the Wiz, yeah. I love it.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

Charles’ mom shifted her weight, unsure if now was the right time to bring it up, but there was no reason not too. So she whispered and leaned in. “Yolanda, don’t you ever feel like our boys should spend a little time apart? Pursue their own interests.” Jr’s mother stood still, her brow lowering a bit. “I just think Charles and Hector could benefit from finding themselves as individuals.”

“If you’re afraid my son is going to contaminant your son, then maybe you should enroll Charles in the AfterCare program and I’ll stop bringing him over here.” Jr’s mom began to walk away.

“That’s not wha--”

“No, it is. Listen to me, Deirdre.” She turned around to make sure the boys weren’t eavesdropping. “Let the boys be who they are. Society is changing. They’ll be accepted for who they are.”

“But it isn’t right!” Charles’ mother shouted. She covered her mouth, immediately ashamed of what she revealed about herself.

Jr’s mother sighed. “Charles, I think it’s time for you to go, buddy.” She turned back around to the adult in the room as Charles and Jr began to tiptoe into the room, holding hands. “He can keep coming the rest of the week, but I think you’ll be a lot more at ease if you looked into the after school program.”

Charles and Jr hugged goodbye, unaware that their friendship was soon to grow distant.

Monologue for Young Adults

Yeah but she’s 25. Twenty-fucking-five. Do you realize the embarrassment I had to hide when she told me she was closing on buying a house? Not selling a house but buying one. A house to make a home. By herself. And yeah, she’s looking for a roommate so she won’t be lonely, but that roommate will be paying their rent to her! And she’s 25. What am I doing wrong with my life? How is this person that entered high school when I started college doing better than me? You see, this is why I have to stop dating younger. Older. The sugar mamas, that’s what I need. Someone to take care of my broke, paycheck-to-paycheck ass. A nice, tender old thing to finance my hopes and dreams, just let me lay around the house in nothing but silk underwear after I come home from the gym so I can look sexy on their arm when they want to flaunt me. Because let’s face it, Jonas, buying a house was never part of the plan unless I struck it big. Or someone I dated liked me enough to start a family and then we’d figure out a way to pay for a place in the suburbs, probably owing our lives to some bank until our grandkids are old enough to get drafted. I think that’s the other thing that’s blowing my mind: I didn’t even know single people our age were buying houses, let alone could afford them. Engaged and married couples, sure, but what single person knows that they want to stay in one place for at least ten years? Sure you can sell and I suppose owning is better than renting, but the sheer responsibility of having that much money saved up or having credit that decent - nay- good… Is it too late for me? Will I always be this artist working in the service industry hoping to be discovered for the rest of my life? And don’t even mention grad school to me, because I don’t have the money nor the patience for a place like that. So yeah, I guess this is it. I’ll lower my standards. From now on, if a person on a date mentions some big purchase, I’m just gonna ask for the check, shake  their hand, and leave the restuarant. They can afford a sailboat, they can afford my half of the meal. I’ll put that money into a savings account and pretend like I’ll have enough for a mobile home someday until I break down and buy the next Nintendo to distract me from my woes. Because Mario may get new powers, but he’ll never earn enough on that plumber’s salary if he keeps chasing that girl. At least that’s relatable.

Pilot Season

INT. ERNIE’S BEDROOM - DAY

Ernie’s bedroom is moderately sized. Movie and sitcom posters cover the walls. On the stand next to his bed are multiple crushed empty bar cans, a half empty bottle of bourbon, and an oversized black dildo. Ernie lies on his bed face down with his laptop closed next to him.

There’s a knock at the door. Jeremy and Vernon crack open his door and stand in the doorway.

JEREMY

Hey budddddddy. How ya feeling? Doing better?

ERNIE

[muffled, into his pillow] I’m not hungover; I’m just sad.

JEREMY

We know, buddy. We know. It’s just that… well, it’s been like two months.

ERNIE

Seven weeks, two days, thirteen hours, and twenty-one minutes. It’s my new hobby.

JEREMY

Yeah, but don’t you have a better hobby that would actually take your mind of that?

VERNON

Motherfucker, write something for us already! Ya sad fuck!

JEREMY

What Vernon is trying to say is that your actor friends would like to get this Youtube thing off the ground. You know so we can get our names out there.

VERNON

Yeah, I’m tryna get my dick sucked and pulling up our bomb ass video with mad views on my phone is definitely gonna help.

JEREMY

Relax, you know he doesn’t like pressure.

VERNON

Jeremy, this lazy fuck should have had something for us even before Jason left!

JEREMY

Hey, he can’t help his depression. It comes in waves, and [whispers] thou who shall not be named [regular voice] abandoning us sure didn’t help. Although I’m sure all the drinking Ernie’s been doing isn’t helping.

ERNIE

[turning over] Stop talking about me like I’m not here. And we basically live in a frat house; how do you expect me to not be constantly drunk?

VERNON

Well if you were not drunk or depressed long enough to write us some good shit, we wouldn’t be harassing you.

ERNIE

Joke’s on you, I have been writing stuff. I just don’t like any of it. Also none of them are finished. I kind of just keep starting and stopping and moving on ‘cause it’s all shit. All shit. Just like me.

[Ernie turns onto his stomach again and pulls a pillow over his head. Jeremy sits on his bed while Vernon walks more into the room but hovers close to the door.]

JEREMY

Hey, hey. Ernie, I’m sure it’s good stuff. Your brain’s probably just playing tricks with you. What do you call that guy again?

ERNIE

Clarence.

JEREMY

Right, Clarence is just making you see the wackness when you need to be seeing the dopeness.

VERNON

Yeah, fuck Clarence!

ERNIE

Don’t use one of my favorite movies on me. [pause] Fine. You’re probably right.

JEREMY

I know I am. Now…

[Jeremy eyes Ernie’s laptop and reaches for it.]

...if me and Vernon could just take a peek at a few of them.

[Ernie snatches his laptop and tucks it under his chest.]

ERNIE

Hell no.

VERNON

Oh, come on! Just let us look at ‘em so we can tell you which one we like so you can work on it more and we can make you the next Donald Glover or whatever.

ERNIE

[poking his head up] Oh. Well, when you put it that way.

[Ernie sits up and hands his laptop over to Jeremy. He then reaches for the bottle of bourbon, taking sips from it intermittently.]

JEREMY

Thank you. What’s your password again?

[Ernie leans to whisper in Jeremy’s ear.]

VERNON

Oh, fuck you too, Ernie.

JEREMY

Alright, I’m assuming they’re all in this folder labeled “You Worthless Fuck”?

ERNIE

No, that’s basically my Burnbook, I mean journal folder. You want “What Is This Shit?”

JEREMY

Ah, true. Makes sense. Alright we’ve got three scripts in here. Not bad, man. Ok, first one up: Earnestly Ernest.

VERNON

That title sucks.

JEREMY

You’re not helping.

[Jeremy skims the document.]

Um… ok, it’s only one scene and it’s basically what I’m assuming is a word-for-word retelling of the last conversation you had with Ja-- I mean, some guy we used to know. You sure this one shouldn’t be in the “Fuck” folder?

ERNIE

It has some worth, I think. Also, it’s not word for word. I cleaned up the language a lot.

JEREMY

Mm, well, still, I feel like this might be a little too fresh for us to work on now.

ERNIE

You are correct, sir.

JEREMY

Alright, next one: Feels.

VERNON

You’re really in touch with your emotions, huh there, buddy? What’s this one, a bunch of people sitting around in a circle bitching about their problems with Ernie’s usual snark through in?

JEREMY

Actually, this one’s about a pink monster that runs around demanding hugs from everyone. Imagine a Barney-sized Ditto that doesn’t have boundaries. It’d be kind of sweet if it didn’t come off a little rape-y.

ERNIE

It’s not rape-y, it’s needy. It has a huge yearning for the human touch.

JEREMY

Yeah, but he just goes up to everyone and doesn’t ask their consent.

ERNIE

He’s a bad communicator!

JEREMY

Well, he’d have to be more of a villain than a sympathetic character.

ERNIE

Mmm, agree to disagree.

[Ernie takes a large swig of bourbon. Vernon reaches out for the bottle. Ernie hesitantly hands it over. Vernon takes a swig and hands the bottle back.]

JEREMY

Oh shit. Ernie, I like this Kept Man one though. Do you think you can break it up?

ERNIE

No, that’s definitely more of an one-man piece. I kind of wrote it with you in mind, Jeremy.

JEREMY

Really? Oh buddy, you shouldn’t have. This is brilliant. Honestly.

VERNON

Whoa whoa whoa. No way am I gonna let Jeremy be the breakout star; if anyone deserves a one man show, it’s me.

JEREMY

Vernon, relax. We obviously can’t open our channel with just me. It’s gonna be something ensembly. Besides, this would set the bar waaaay too high for us.

[Jeremy smirks at Ernie who smirks back.]

VERNON

Ugh, you two are gross. Just bang already.

[Ernie takes another swig from the bottle and looks away from Jeremy.]

So what are we gonna do? We still don’t have shit.

JEREMY

Ernie, do you think you could work on a couple more scripts? I think I have an idea or two to toss your way.

ERNIE

I don’t know. I was hoping to wallow in my own filth a little more, but I guess I can clean up my act a bit.

JEREMY

Perfect. Vernon, makes us some breakfast! Ernie and I are gonna workshop some.

VERNON

It’s basically brunch at this point.

ERNIE

Yes, I’ll take a mimosa, please.

[Vernon rolls his eyes as he snatches the bottle from Ernie and takes another sip. He throws the bottle back on the bed and leaves the room while Ernie and Jeremy begin to hatch out a plan of action.]