I honestly forget not everyone thinks of killing themselves. For me, suicidal thoughts are as frequent- but not as consistent - as menstruation. Maybe if it were, I'd have a better grip on it.
I forget whether it was during high school or college, but at some point, my cousin filled the gap in my hip hop knowledge with Notorious B.I.G.'s Ready to Die. She told me her favorite song was Everyday Struggle which starts with the chorus "I don't wanna live no more/sometimes I hear death knockin at my front door/I'm leaving everyday like a hustle, another drug to juggle/another day, another struggle." Beside the pusherman aspect, I related to the song as well, and it quickly became my favorite.
Everyday is truly a struggle. Some more so than others. Like knowing you should get out of bed and go to work but recognizing that even if you do you'll be useless or a danger to yourself because you might have to handle a piece of machinery and have a quick second of weakness. It only takes a second to die, you think, you can't stop yourself if you just do it fast before --.
So you call out of work and lie in bed on your phone until you get enough strength to watch self-aware cartoon characters.
But like I said, some days are easier. Those lightly days you just quit in the middle of a game with your close friends because you figure this is pointless, I'd rather do something productive like sulk in my room until I can be around people again.
I can't say I understood what I was doing until I watched FX's Legion. Without giving too much away, the main character is one of the strongest mutants ever but is convinced he is mentally ill. Whether he is or not is still to be determined, but it is discovered that he actually has a "parasite" burrowed into his psyche that has been trying to take over. Occasionally it tries to get the main character to kill himself. That's more or less what depression/suicide feel like for me.
So, let's give my parasite a name. This is actually a new exercise I'm trying out live [recorded on delay] with you all, my dear friends (and associates). Let's see, I'm gay and it's trying to screw me out of existence, so it definitely needs a male name. Eustace. Yeah, that works; I don't personally know any Eustaces.
One of Eustace's favorite pastimes is making me lose friends. He first did this the summer/fall of my college senior year. He told my high school best friend that we didn't need his moppy IMs/texts because we had other gay guys to talk to, and he exposed another close friend as a cheater knowing it would forever drive us apart. He was successful in both endeavors. Although I had other friends, they were - at the time - the two I talked the most openly with. And with my mother already shut out, also his doing, I was alone with my thoughts the way he wanted. Because Eustace is my thoughts, at least an extension of them. It's easier for him to direct me with no one else to sway me. And if everyone's upset or doesn't care about me, it's easier for him to tell me to fall down a flight of stairs or stab myself with a pair of scissors I'm using to design a prop for a karaoke performance.
I realize how alarming the last paragraph is. Don't worry, I've been admitted to a hospital before I could inflict damage upon myself (see: blog post).
I'm impressed that I'm this self aware of the hold Eustace has on me with having any professional help. I'm glad I've developed strategies to keep me alive. I'm appreciative to the friends I have around me, especially the ones I've talked to about this. Obviously he still takes hold of me. He almost kept me from blogging today. But if I sit still and breathe long enough, I can usually get through the blockades he sets up.
Thank you to all of you reading this now. I think giving him a name will help me scare him away. I guess I have a real personality to add to all the fake ones I made up as a high schooler.
Word.
April 18, 2017
The Friendzone Doesn't Exist, So How Do I Keep Finding Myself There
As a gentleman, I've never believed in the Friendzone. From its inception, it sounded as if you'd been denied something that was owed to you - as if being someone friend's entitled you to an opportunity to "shoot your shot." In reality, that's all you have: an opportunity to court someone. It's on the other person if they'd like to take you up on that offer. So if by the Friendzone you mean the feeling of dread and misery you feel while still hanging around the person that rejected you because you still feel a sexual bond with them, then I believe in that. Not only do I believe in it but I've owned several properties in this Zone.
Soon to be completing my ninth year of bachelordom, I'm no stranger to one-sided games of courtship. Let us not forget that as a gullible gay man, I've chased after an embarrassing amount of straight men. They were all so pretty and kind and interesting, how was I supposed to distinguish their openness from advances towards me? Looking back at it, very easily, but queer college kids have a hard enough time dealing with the same pool of out-people they know; it's very easy to peek back into that walk-in closet to see if there's anyone else in there.
I wish I could say these instances of sexual incompatibility were my only trips into The Zone, but you know they weren't because whining about being single is my "new" favorite pastime.
The queer gods have always played a cruel joke on me: giving me interest in guys that see me as a blob while allowing others I deem unworthy of my product to see my value. There are many reasons why a guy might say no to my advances. The classic "I'm just focusing on myself" has long been one of my favorites, for I've used it earnestly and to avoid confrontation. "You're not my type" is a harsh one to hear, but when the sexual chemistry isn't there, it's not there. Surprisingly I've never heard nor used "I just don't want to lose your friendship." Actually, that's a lie. I've used that line after a guy has told me no and I don't want him to pull away out of awkwardness.
So how do I keep finding myself in this newly accurate description of the Friendzone? Am I just overly emotional? Do I get attached to a fantasy of how our relationship could be? Am I the reason for my permanent residency? Nah, couldn't be me. For some reason, guys can't see my amazing personality or my devilish good looks or my new semi-amazing body. Why don't men realize I can make them better?
Well, I think I found the answer. Sort of. Last week I watched a comedy video from a black Frenchman on the subject. Spoiler alert: his "theory" is that we put ourselves in the Friendzone, which honestly doesn't sound too farfetched. He goes on to explain that we make ourselves too available and friendly to the person we wish to court. People enjoy mystery from a potential love interest. The more they have to work for it, the more likely they'll want to pursue it.
While I don't totally agree with the video, I can see its merits. My main tactic - after getting past my "Are you gay?" pickup line days - has always been to become someone's friend first and then see if romantic tension will arise. That's what Boy Meets World taught me to do; how could Cory and Topenga be wrong?
I've also realized that I don't leave much mystery, either. Granted, I'm fairly quiet on a day-to-day basis, but my closest friends know how much I actually talk and like to reveal about myself. As I've discovered from a recent first date, if I really like a guy, I'll divulge information I don't even discuss with my friends. It was an oddly freeing sensation. It led to the fellow asking us to just be friends, however, I got that energy from him during the date as well. That's right, my dear friends (and associates). I can feel impending friendship. It's a gift and a curse, honestly.
What I'll do with this new information, I surely do not know. All I know is that I'll continue to be friends with those that only see me as a friend while I continue my search across this growingly trendy city of Baltimore.
Word.
April 4, 2017
I Thought You Were Bi
"Hold on, let me ask you a question? If she came up and threw it at you, would you smash?" This is the question a dear friend of mine asked me when I had to pause a conversation to look at an old college friend's live Instagram stream. (I wonder how soon that reference will become dated.)
Like most gay men, I came out as bi for the first year or two of my self-realization. I had a good reason for doing this, opposed to just using it as a crutch to lean into my homosexuality. My Facebook status literally read "Charles Clark is BIG minus the G." for a month; I wasn't messing around.
As I've told many people, I was heavily influenced by Boy Meets World as a child. I can remember searching for a Topenga of my own as young as four years old. This quest would continue into my high school years, an all boys private preparatory. But alas, we had a sister institution: an all girls private school.
My junior year - the first year I questioned and experimented with my sexuality - I entertained a girl from my sister school during our joint production of Guys and Dolls. My friends, not knowing the thoughts running through my head, called her my Big Titty'd Fling. Sadly, it turned out to be just that as I stopped talking to her after the show's run concluded. I felt an odd sense of jealousy when a friend started dating her a month later, but somehow I knew she wasn't actually the girl for me.
A year and a girlfriend later, I entered college and allowed it to be the playground of sexuality it was meant to be. I talked to a religious girl I instantly connected with the first two months until I revealed I was bisexual and she couldn't accept it. I slept with other gay men on campus because primal urges were real. I dry humped an older female friend because, again, primal urges were real.
This woman had always intrigued me. Though she was known for getting around, I didn't care. Early on, I knew a person's body count didn't define them, especially if they were smart and safe about it. We connected on a personal level. We shared many inside jokes, a few secrets. It felt as though the myth about sniffing out a person with an opposite immune system from you to build stronger offspring was true. But the timing was never right. Either she had a boyfriend, or I had decided I was full gay and didn't want to turn back.
That's right. I made a conscious decision after my sophomore year to just be a gay man. If I remember correctly, Kinsey and his scale proclaimed that no one is wholly heterosexual or homosexual. With this in mind, I settled on calling myself a 5 on the 0-6 scale. Why then, if I recognized I had some sort of attraction to women, would I shut myself off from engaging in coitus with them completely?
This is the part where I can hear my mother say, "Well, if you could choose to be straight, then why don't you?"
There are many factors that went into this decision, the most obvious being peer pressure. Not that they might have been fully outright in saying it, but the gay men I interacted with my freshman year of college thought bisexuality to be a joke. To them, all dudes on the "down low" were actually just gay men trying to seem more masculine and fit into society. I never dealt well with being in opposition - even less so then - so I quietly let my bisexuality fall to the wayside. Honestly, having dealt with the religious woman who dumped me before we technically started dating, I believed I was saving myself from future headaches.
To be totally transparent, the female anatomy never did much for me. Sure, I love a good pair of breasts, but the more worldly I become, the more I find that most people regardless of gender, sex, and orientation love breast. Besides, the first time I was a vagina in person, I labeled it as meat curtains (trademark pending); granted this was at a strip club, but still. The handful of women I've actually been attracted to, it was because of their personalities. I loved their brain and not in the N.E.R.D. way.
For a while, I considered myself a panromantic - someone not limited by gender or sex in the romantic attraction I felt for them - but I got enough random boners and crushes on men walking down the hallway to know that was a lie.
Still, I can feel my mother nagging at me, "Well, that could still be enough to make dating a woman work."
Sometime last year I met a trans man and wondered if he was gay. There surprisingly wasn't a curiosity about the unknown, just a genuine physical attraction I felt towards another man. Something about that moment made me sure about who I was.
After pausing for a second, I finally answered my friend who asked about the woman on Instagram. "You know, I would try. Honestly, I would; I just don't think my other head would cooperate. I suppose I'm just an appreciator of seemingly effortless beauty and confidence. And damn, she's got it." No, really what I said was, "She's bad (in a good way), but naw. I just recognize her diva." And with that, I continued my residency at the token gay of that group.
Word.
Like most gay men, I came out as bi for the first year or two of my self-realization. I had a good reason for doing this, opposed to just using it as a crutch to lean into my homosexuality. My Facebook status literally read "Charles Clark is BIG minus the G." for a month; I wasn't messing around.
As I've told many people, I was heavily influenced by Boy Meets World as a child. I can remember searching for a Topenga of my own as young as four years old. This quest would continue into my high school years, an all boys private preparatory. But alas, we had a sister institution: an all girls private school.
My junior year - the first year I questioned and experimented with my sexuality - I entertained a girl from my sister school during our joint production of Guys and Dolls. My friends, not knowing the thoughts running through my head, called her my Big Titty'd Fling. Sadly, it turned out to be just that as I stopped talking to her after the show's run concluded. I felt an odd sense of jealousy when a friend started dating her a month later, but somehow I knew she wasn't actually the girl for me.
A year and a girlfriend later, I entered college and allowed it to be the playground of sexuality it was meant to be. I talked to a religious girl I instantly connected with the first two months until I revealed I was bisexual and she couldn't accept it. I slept with other gay men on campus because primal urges were real. I dry humped an older female friend because, again, primal urges were real.
This woman had always intrigued me. Though she was known for getting around, I didn't care. Early on, I knew a person's body count didn't define them, especially if they were smart and safe about it. We connected on a personal level. We shared many inside jokes, a few secrets. It felt as though the myth about sniffing out a person with an opposite immune system from you to build stronger offspring was true. But the timing was never right. Either she had a boyfriend, or I had decided I was full gay and didn't want to turn back.
That's right. I made a conscious decision after my sophomore year to just be a gay man. If I remember correctly, Kinsey and his scale proclaimed that no one is wholly heterosexual or homosexual. With this in mind, I settled on calling myself a 5 on the 0-6 scale. Why then, if I recognized I had some sort of attraction to women, would I shut myself off from engaging in coitus with them completely?
This is the part where I can hear my mother say, "Well, if you could choose to be straight, then why don't you?"
There are many factors that went into this decision, the most obvious being peer pressure. Not that they might have been fully outright in saying it, but the gay men I interacted with my freshman year of college thought bisexuality to be a joke. To them, all dudes on the "down low" were actually just gay men trying to seem more masculine and fit into society. I never dealt well with being in opposition - even less so then - so I quietly let my bisexuality fall to the wayside. Honestly, having dealt with the religious woman who dumped me before we technically started dating, I believed I was saving myself from future headaches.
To be totally transparent, the female anatomy never did much for me. Sure, I love a good pair of breasts, but the more worldly I become, the more I find that most people regardless of gender, sex, and orientation love breast. Besides, the first time I was a vagina in person, I labeled it as meat curtains (trademark pending); granted this was at a strip club, but still. The handful of women I've actually been attracted to, it was because of their personalities. I loved their brain and not in the N.E.R.D. way.
For a while, I considered myself a panromantic - someone not limited by gender or sex in the romantic attraction I felt for them - but I got enough random boners and crushes on men walking down the hallway to know that was a lie.
Still, I can feel my mother nagging at me, "Well, that could still be enough to make dating a woman work."
Sometime last year I met a trans man and wondered if he was gay. There surprisingly wasn't a curiosity about the unknown, just a genuine physical attraction I felt towards another man. Something about that moment made me sure about who I was.
After pausing for a second, I finally answered my friend who asked about the woman on Instagram. "You know, I would try. Honestly, I would; I just don't think my other head would cooperate. I suppose I'm just an appreciator of seemingly effortless beauty and confidence. And damn, she's got it." No, really what I said was, "She's bad (in a good way), but naw. I just recognize her diva." And with that, I continued my residency at the token gay of that group.
Word.
December 31, 2016
My Totally Biased 16 Best Albums of 2016
To quote someone online I wish I could give the credit to, "2016 has been a terrible movie with an amazing soundtrack." I've always thought music is best to help people get through rough times, which is why I'm glad I didn't mope around all year because I decided to save listening to new music until mid-November. ...okay, enough reading myself.
In years past, though I claimed this to be my biased list, I compromised a few positions for albums I didn't quite enjoy but were critically acclaimed. This year, I'm returning to my selfish, hilarious roots and basing my ratings on three factors: how well the artists stick to their thesis statement (first 1 or 2 tracks), lyrical/production level, and the percentage of tracks I actually like. Prepare thyself for the best (and worst parts) of my favorite albums.
16) J. Cole's 4 Your Eyez Only
Release Date: December 9
Runtime: 44:32
From the first listen, I wanted to hate on 4 Your Eyez Only. My fake disdain for J Cole isn't as adamant as it is for Drake (Views actually is trash, tho), but that doesn't stop me from making the "this album is audio NyQuil" jokes. People have been giving him props for dropping an album with no features, but then who's the lil girl on Ville Mentality, huh? However, after talking to a friend, I listened again and realized it's another solid album from Jermaine. He comes with the same lyrical talent we expect from him, still not ashamed to shy away from record label mandated club bangers. The album works for its chill appeal. I still think he used the Exchange (Bryson Teller) sample a little too soon, but the track grows on you. Also, who knew he had a wife and daughter? This album is fairly family oriented. I guess that's what we get for sleeping on the best rapper since Dr. Seuss.
Hit Single:
none
Standout Tracks:
Ville Mentality
She's Mine Pt 1
You Can Skip It:
Foldin Clothes - because Jermaine talked about almond milk and I almost caught an intolerance for him again
15) Tinashe's Nightride
Release Date: November 4
Runtime: 51:32
Known to some as Tennis Shoe, Tinashe finally releases an album to make those people call her by the proper pronunciation of her name. Do you remember that sensual R&B from the early to middle 00s that made you want to rub your breast in a circular motion even though you might not have had any? Nightride is more or less an updated version of that vibe. Though this album doesn't have enough singles to be a commercial success, this 23 year old gets over the sophomore album hump so that you can hump someone to her music. If you prefer to hear your partner breathe during those intimate moments, it's a great album to clean the house to as well. Just vibe out and let Metro Boomin and her other producers deliver Tinashe's flourishing pop-R&B vocals to you.
Hit Single:
Party Favors
Standout Tracks:
Sunburn
Touch Pass
You Can Skip It:
Ride of Your Life - because it will take you on the ride of a throwaway single RCA probably made her record
14) Regina Spektor's Remember Us to Life (Deluxe)
Release Date: September 30
Runtime: 60:14
Everyone knows I love my white women singer-songwriters. More than not, there's always at least one on my lists. This year's spot goes to the acclaimed OITNB theme maker Ms. Spektor herself. She really has a way with words; so many times I found myself pausing on a certain phrase, my favorite probably being, "'Enjoy your youth,' sounds like a threat, but I will anyway." Her pianist skills will make you want to sway in the wind like a tree. She'll lull you to sleep while planting thoughts of reflection in your head. (Though be careful, they are some tracks that can send you into a nightmare.) But hey, if that's not your jam, she even made a diss track, well as best a diss track a singer-songwriter could make. So it's one of the best of all time; I just wish I knew who she was spittin these bars at.
Hit Single:
Bleeding Heart
Standout Tracks:
Older and Taller
Small Bill$
You Can Skip It:
13) D.R.A.M.'s Big Baby D.R.A.M.
Release Date: October 21
Runtime: 53:25
You ever wonder what if T-Pain made a comeback with less autotune and more rapping but still came with the oddly-soothing vocals? Well that's why this dude Does Real Ass Music. (Yes, that's what D.R.A.M. stands for.) I won't lie, when Drake stole D.R.A.M.'s Cha Cha shine last year, I feared he might not even reach the one-hit wonder success I foresaw for him. Luckily, D.R.A.M. doesn't let up, giving us one of the best songs of the summer (which is now Grammy nominated). This debut album is leaps and bounds better than his mixtape #1Epic, and it'll have you walking up to your crush with a slanted two-step as you rap-sing to them. My only critique is that he talked far too much about smartphone culture to not have named this album something more tech-related, but I'm a forgiving lover of music.
Hit Single:
Broccoli [feat Lil Yachty]
Standout Tracks:
WiFi [feat Erykah Badu]
Cute
You Can Skip It:
Misunderstood [feat Young Thug] - because it's too hard a track for an album called Big Baby
12) The 1975's I Like It When You Sleep, for You Are So Beautiful yet So Unaware of It
Release Date: February 26
Runtime: 73:55
It wouldn't be a "best of" list without an album with a really long title from a pop-rock band, but this title couldn't be anymore spot on. In fact, it wins the coveted "Thesis Award" from me. From their lead single "Love Me," I expected the 1975's debut album to be super angsty rock disguised as pop music. And maybe that album was, but this is their sophomore album and judging from NME's ratings they win the "Most Improved" award as well. Instead I Like It When... features many endearing tells of the heart and instrumental tracks perfect for NYU's and MICA's student art films, though there are still its fair share of electrical moments. Matthew Healy's lead vocals are more angelic than I predicted them to be, especially when backed by a choir. Clocking in at 73:55, it's one of the longest albums on the list, though with better editing it could have been higher on the list.
Hit Single:
Love Me
Standout Tracks:
Ughh!!!
If I Believe You
Loving Someone
You Can Skip It:
Paris - because it's an average "remember those times we had" track they could have kept for their B-sides
11) Phantogram's Three
Release Date: October 7
Runtime: 36:53
So there's this one bar/venue I love in Baltimore called Ottobar that's basically a mix of hipsters, grunge rockers, and the occasional black people. If Phantogram performed nothing but this album, the show would more than likely sell out. If you close your eyes, you can easily imagine yourself in a dark room with strobe lights flashing as you dance with next to no rhythm without a care to half of these tracks. The other way I could best describe Three is as a giant bonfire that burns between your ears. Often I forget Phantogram is more than just Sarah Barthel, but when Josh Carter joins her vocally, I'm reminded of his wonderful production skills throughout the album. If you're looking for an album to hold you over til the next XX release, this is a more than a great alternative.
Hit Single:
You Don't Get Me High Anymore
Standout Tracks:
Cruel World
You're Mine
You Can Skip It:
Calling All - because it's hard to tell what it's a slut shaming or sex positive song, but you'll still want to dance to it
10) A Tribe Called Quest's We Got It From Here... Thank You 4 Your Service
Release Date: November 11
Runtime: 60:16
I'm not sure if anyone ever expected another A Tribe Called Quest album, well with them disbanding a few years ago and Phife Dawg dying this year. However, the whole crew had been lurking in the shadows all year, cooking up one of the best hip-hop albums of the year. Still featuring verses from Phife, Q-Tip and Jarobi enlist the entire woke hiphop community to help them with this latest release, calling upon Busta Rhymes and Consequence the most. Some might call the two the unsung heroes of this album. Though, all the guests can be considered unsung as A Tribe Called Quest chose to make them all temporary members of the group and not list anyone as featured. If you love revived 90s hiphop and creative ways to talk about today's issues, you're going to love this album. You might even find a wild Outkast member hiding in the love below.
Hit Single:
We The People
Standout Tracks:
Space Program
Kids...
Mobius
You Can Skip It:
The Donald - because it's a reference to Donald Trump and we don't need to be reminded of him anymore than we have to be
9) James Blake's The Colour in Anything
Release Date: May 6
Runtime: 76:13
My favorite trance-inducing, alabaster prince has returned! There's just something about the way James Blake ramps up his tracks that gets me every time. In a year that was hard to see the brightside, he made me able to see The Colour in Anything. Okay, but all corny jokes aside, this is another great album about love lost and dealing with it and deciding if it's worth recapturing. His third album, it is by far the longest he's ever recorded. At times, you can almost notice how much of a task it was for him to stretch his emotions over 17 tracks, but he manages to pull you back in before he treats you with a guest spot from Bon Iver. It's like having two therapeutic sandmen battle over who wants to tuck you in; it shouldn't feel as comforting as it does but it just does. Feel free to body roll through your listening experience.
Hit Single:
Modern Soul
Standout Tracks:
Radio Silence
Two Men Down
You Can Skip It:
Meet You in the Maze - because by the end of the album, you get that he likes the accordion effect on his voice
8) Bruno Mars' 24K Magic
Release Date: November 18
Runtime: 33:28
Have you ever wanted a 5'5" Hawaiian man to sing you sweet nothings in the style of your favorite 90s artists? Well, Bruno Mars has you covered. Even before he worked with Mark Ronson on "Uptown Funk," we all knew the little man was a hit maker, but this album takes his abilities to a whole new level as he gives us some of the best choruses of his career. Need I saw no more than, "Throw some perm on your attitude; girl you gotta relax. Let me show you what you got to do, you gotta lay it back!" This is honestly one of those albums you can throw on from start to finish and dance/lip sync the whole way through. He even gives you an interlude while channelling his inner Michael Jackson, allowing you a moment to throw your lovely on the closest flat surface. 24k Magic just makes me anxious for summer to return.
Hit Single:
24K Magic
Standout Tracks:
Perm
Calling All My Lovelies
You Can Skip It:
Straight Up & Down - because it's actually not that good to bump & grind to, though I don't know nothin' 'bout that...
7) Childish Gambino's "Awaken, My Love!"
Release Date: December 2
Runtime: 48:57
This is not a rap album; I repeat, this is not a rap album. This is the revival of psychedelic soul you didn't know you urgently needed. Is your mind blown like that .gif of Troy from Community? Donald Glover has long been a man of many talents, producing and singing being among them. There were many times when I found myself in disbelief that it was actually him singing on the track, as it feels like a soul collective coming together to deliver a sound they've worked on for months. With not a single rapped lyric on the album, "'Awaken, My Love'" is a collection of tracks that explores Gambino's more love oriented side as he uses the music of the ancestors to communicate those feelings. Upon your first listen, his techniques can feel a little forced, but once you surrender yourself to the funk, all will feel right.
Hit Single:
Redbone
Standout Tracks:
California
Zombies
You Can Skip It:
Have Some Love - because it's here that he tries his hardest to embody the spirit of the funk and it could be what turns folks away from the rest of the tracks
6) Kanye West's The Life of Pablo
Release Date: February 14
Runtime: 66:39
Oh look, it's my (very) problematic fav. Doing my duty as a loyal fan and temporarily disregarding my role as a responsible citizen, I'll have to overlook Mr. West's past transgressions and give him his props. When The Life of Pablo first dropped, I called it my least favorite Kanye album, but even his worst is better than other people's best efforts. Even when he gives us disgusting lyrics about getting bleach on his t-shirt, I have to admire him for keeping us talking and giving us memorable lines. He gives us a vaguely hiphop-gospel album while reminding us he's still the cocky, vile human being he's evolved into. (A quick thanks to Chance the Rapper for the best verse of the album.) However, I'm most disappointed in Mr. West for giving us an incomplete album and disguising it as innovation by constantly "evolving" his album. With everything he's done recently, I'm not sure if I'll be able to listen to any future Yeezy albums, but I do know for a fact that I miss the Old Kanye.
Hit Single:
Fade (feat Post Malone & Ty Dolla $ign)
Standout Tracks:
Ultralight Beam (feat Chance the Rapper & 'em)
No More Parties in L.A. (feat Kendrick Lamar)
You Can Skip It:
Waves (feat Chris Brown) - because who hires Breezy to record a hook for them anymore; f**kbois, that's who
5) Rihanna's Anti (Deluxe)
Release Date: January 28
Runtime: 50:56
Long my favorite billy goat, Rihanna has finally evolved past just one of my favorite online presences. With this album, she finally gives us an album instead of a collection of singles and filler tracks. It is by far her most cohesive body of work, and through her single chart toppings somewhat suffered because of it, "Work" more than made up for it. Many of the tracks feature a distorted sound that works great for her vocal abilities and flair. I finally found myself wanting to single along to her music. I knew this was one of my favorite albums when during the times I cancelled my Apple Music subscription, I felt the urge to listen to Anti. She also managed to beautifully cover one of my favorite songs of 2015 "Same Ol' Mistakes" by Tame Impala. By the way, if anyone has a mashup of both versions, please send it my way.
Hit Single:
Work (feat. Drake)
Standout Tracks:
Needed Me
Sex With Me
You Can Skip It:
Closer to You - because while Rihanna's vocals are definitely improving, piano ballads are still not her friend
4) Kaytranada's 99.9%
Release Date: May 6
Runtime: 59:08
Kaytranada is not his high on the list because he's a queer-negro from Montreal; he just happens to be a queer-negro from Montreal and on this list. He's an amazing producer who's been giving us the best remixes via Soundcloud the past three years, and his debut album was long awaited. This is yet another album you can throw on from start to finish and vibe/drive/dance/clean/alltheabove to. Except for one instance, every track seamlessly flows into the next, whether there be a featured artist on it or not. Speaking of, Kay was able to pull in all of the best up and coming names like Goldlink, Anderson Paak., and Syd while pulling in some names we haven't heard from in a while. Ya'll, he made Craig David hot again. I cared about a Craig David song in 2016. If that doesn't signal to you how essential to music this young man is, I don't know what will.
Hit Single:
Glowed Up (feat Anderson .Paak)
Standout Tracks:
Lite Spots
Drive Me Crazy (feat Vic Mensa)
You Can Skip It:
Track Uno - only because Kay couldn't think of a better title
3) Chance the Rapper's Coloring Book
Release Date: May 13
Runtime: 57:14
Even though Chance proclaims he's "the only nigga still care about mixtapes," Coloring Book is an album, and don't let Chance try to tell you otherwise. This album is so good, that even as an independent artist, he received a Grammy nomination for it. Though very feature heavy, Coloring Book still allows Chancellor to flourish as the skillful lyricist and raspy singer he is. Why do you think he only used Kanye for the hook of his album's intro? He only needed the cosign; also he might not have been able to afford the verse since he stayed true to himself and gave this album out for free. With topics ranging from losing friends, loving his daughter, Peter Pan, and asking people for gas money, this gospel-delic rap album is like food for the soul. If being this positive in your music is wrong, I don't wanna be right. Where's my choir robe?!
Hit Single:
Angels (feat Saba)
Standout Tracks:
Summer Friend (feat Jeremih & Francis & the Lights)
Same Drugs
You Can Skip It:Blessings (2) - only because Chance decided to confuse me when my iPod is on shuffle
2) Solange's A Seat at the Table
Release Date: September 30
Runtime: 51:43
And the award for "Blackest Album of the Year" goes to... pop vocalist, Solange Knowles! When you have a track titled "F.U.B.U." it's hard not to acquire that accolade. Solange's soulful voice has grown into its final form as she gives us the best album of her career. A Seat at the Table invites all into the conversation of what it means to be black in America and trying to prosper through the forgotten art of the interlude. Featuring short accounts from her parents and multiple from rap mogul Master P, Solange follows up each one with a song so good it leaves you wondering whether the chicken or the egg came first. The-Dream, Sampha, and others lend their producing talents while Tweet, Raphael Saadiq, Kelly Rowland, and Andre 3000 hide behind the backing vocals of many of the songs. (That's right, Tweet's back and she don't plan on leaving!) This album, most of all, is about self-love and -care, and if you don't understand that, Master P and I will get the Avon Lady to pop the trunk on you.
Hit Single:
Cranes in the Sky
Standout Tracks:
Mad (feat Lil Wayne)
F.U.B.U. (feat The-Dream & B.J. the Chicago Kid)
You Can Skip It:
Scales (feat Kelela) - only because it's a grower (not a show-er) and reminds you that the album is almost over
1) Beyoncé's Lemonade
Release Date: April 23
Runtime: 45:49
Gurl. Duh. Like, c'mon. You should have guessed this as soon as Big Freedia came on the single version of "Formation" and "told ya'll, I did not come to play with you hoes. I came to slay, bitch." Beyoncé is one of the best singers and entertainers of our generation. She knows when to innovate and change the game, and she did that by premiering her album as an hour long visual special on HBO. It inspired both black women and Jay-Z reaction memes.
Her vocal game is still as tight as ever. Starting from her opening pseudo-ballad about suspicions to her hopeful outlook for the future on "All Night," Beyonce gives us another honest look inside her life as she explores infidelity, her relationship with her father, and finding strength in a world that wants to break you down. The impact this album has transcended blackness; even white men recognize the greatness that is Lemonade. The slander Beyonce spews over "Sorry" and "Don't Hurt Yourself" is wonderful. The charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent she shares on "6 Inch" leaves people in awe. Her Cajun country song still has haters in their feelings.
It's at times like these I wonder when will Beyoncé ever stop forcing me to place her on top of my list. But then I think again and I am thankful for the opportunity to have her grace me with her presence once again.
Hit Single:
Formation
Standout Tracks:
Sorry
Love Drought
You Can Skip It:
Forward (feat James Blake) - only because it features the fewest Beyonce vocals; shout out to James Blake the Porcelain-Skinned Gawd
Honorable Mentions
Blood Orange's Freetown Sound
Bon Iver's 22, A Million
Frank Ocean's Blonde
Lady Gaga's Joanne
Radiohead's A Moon Shaped Pool
Young Thug's Jeffery
Yup, this was one good ass year for black music. Or maybe it was just a very good year to embrace my blackness? Either way, it's been lit, ya'll. If you'd like to check out my past lists, you can check them out here: 2015, 2014, and 2013. Til next year, stay boppin.
Word
[I made an Apple Music Playlist of all the Standout Tracks here. Enjoy.]
In years past, though I claimed this to be my biased list, I compromised a few positions for albums I didn't quite enjoy but were critically acclaimed. This year, I'm returning to my selfish, hilarious roots and basing my ratings on three factors: how well the artists stick to their thesis statement (first 1 or 2 tracks), lyrical/production level, and the percentage of tracks I actually like. Prepare thyself for the best (and worst parts) of my favorite albums.
Release Date: December 9
Runtime: 44:32
From the first listen, I wanted to hate on 4 Your Eyez Only. My fake disdain for J Cole isn't as adamant as it is for Drake (Views actually is trash, tho), but that doesn't stop me from making the "this album is audio NyQuil" jokes. People have been giving him props for dropping an album with no features, but then who's the lil girl on Ville Mentality, huh? However, after talking to a friend, I listened again and realized it's another solid album from Jermaine. He comes with the same lyrical talent we expect from him, still not ashamed to shy away from record label mandated club bangers. The album works for its chill appeal. I still think he used the Exchange (Bryson Teller) sample a little too soon, but the track grows on you. Also, who knew he had a wife and daughter? This album is fairly family oriented. I guess that's what we get for sleeping on the best rapper since Dr. Seuss.
Hit Single:
none
Standout Tracks:
Ville Mentality
She's Mine Pt 1
You Can Skip It:
Foldin Clothes - because Jermaine talked about almond milk and I almost caught an intolerance for him again
15) Tinashe's Nightride
Release Date: November 4
Runtime: 51:32
Known to some as Tennis Shoe, Tinashe finally releases an album to make those people call her by the proper pronunciation of her name. Do you remember that sensual R&B from the early to middle 00s that made you want to rub your breast in a circular motion even though you might not have had any? Nightride is more or less an updated version of that vibe. Though this album doesn't have enough singles to be a commercial success, this 23 year old gets over the sophomore album hump so that you can hump someone to her music. If you prefer to hear your partner breathe during those intimate moments, it's a great album to clean the house to as well. Just vibe out and let Metro Boomin and her other producers deliver Tinashe's flourishing pop-R&B vocals to you.
Hit Single:
Party Favors
Standout Tracks:
Sunburn
Touch Pass
You Can Skip It:
Ride of Your Life - because it will take you on the ride of a throwaway single RCA probably made her record
14) Regina Spektor's Remember Us to Life (Deluxe)
Release Date: September 30
Runtime: 60:14
Everyone knows I love my white women singer-songwriters. More than not, there's always at least one on my lists. This year's spot goes to the acclaimed OITNB theme maker Ms. Spektor herself. She really has a way with words; so many times I found myself pausing on a certain phrase, my favorite probably being, "'Enjoy your youth,' sounds like a threat, but I will anyway." Her pianist skills will make you want to sway in the wind like a tree. She'll lull you to sleep while planting thoughts of reflection in your head. (Though be careful, they are some tracks that can send you into a nightmare.) But hey, if that's not your jam, she even made a diss track, well as best a diss track a singer-songwriter could make. So it's one of the best of all time; I just wish I knew who she was spittin these bars at.
Hit Single:
Bleeding Heart
Standout Tracks:
Older and Taller
Small Bill$
You Can Skip It:
Grand Hotel - because she forgot to make is about Wes Anderson's latest masterpiece
Release Date: October 21
Runtime: 53:25
You ever wonder what if T-Pain made a comeback with less autotune and more rapping but still came with the oddly-soothing vocals? Well that's why this dude Does Real Ass Music. (Yes, that's what D.R.A.M. stands for.) I won't lie, when Drake stole D.R.A.M.'s Cha Cha shine last year, I feared he might not even reach the one-hit wonder success I foresaw for him. Luckily, D.R.A.M. doesn't let up, giving us one of the best songs of the summer (which is now Grammy nominated). This debut album is leaps and bounds better than his mixtape #1Epic, and it'll have you walking up to your crush with a slanted two-step as you rap-sing to them. My only critique is that he talked far too much about smartphone culture to not have named this album something more tech-related, but I'm a forgiving lover of music.
Hit Single:
Broccoli [feat Lil Yachty]
Standout Tracks:
WiFi [feat Erykah Badu]
Cute
You Can Skip It:
Misunderstood [feat Young Thug] - because it's too hard a track for an album called Big Baby
Release Date: February 26
Runtime: 73:55
It wouldn't be a "best of" list without an album with a really long title from a pop-rock band, but this title couldn't be anymore spot on. In fact, it wins the coveted "Thesis Award" from me. From their lead single "Love Me," I expected the 1975's debut album to be super angsty rock disguised as pop music. And maybe that album was, but this is their sophomore album and judging from NME's ratings they win the "Most Improved" award as well. Instead I Like It When... features many endearing tells of the heart and instrumental tracks perfect for NYU's and MICA's student art films, though there are still its fair share of electrical moments. Matthew Healy's lead vocals are more angelic than I predicted them to be, especially when backed by a choir. Clocking in at 73:55, it's one of the longest albums on the list, though with better editing it could have been higher on the list.
Hit Single:
Love Me
Standout Tracks:
Ughh!!!
If I Believe You
Loving Someone
You Can Skip It:
Paris - because it's an average "remember those times we had" track they could have kept for their B-sides
Release Date: October 7
Runtime: 36:53
So there's this one bar/venue I love in Baltimore called Ottobar that's basically a mix of hipsters, grunge rockers, and the occasional black people. If Phantogram performed nothing but this album, the show would more than likely sell out. If you close your eyes, you can easily imagine yourself in a dark room with strobe lights flashing as you dance with next to no rhythm without a care to half of these tracks. The other way I could best describe Three is as a giant bonfire that burns between your ears. Often I forget Phantogram is more than just Sarah Barthel, but when Josh Carter joins her vocally, I'm reminded of his wonderful production skills throughout the album. If you're looking for an album to hold you over til the next XX release, this is a more than a great alternative.
Hit Single:
You Don't Get Me High Anymore
Standout Tracks:
Cruel World
You're Mine
You Can Skip It:
Calling All - because it's hard to tell what it's a slut shaming or sex positive song, but you'll still want to dance to it
Release Date: November 11
Runtime: 60:16
I'm not sure if anyone ever expected another A Tribe Called Quest album, well with them disbanding a few years ago and Phife Dawg dying this year. However, the whole crew had been lurking in the shadows all year, cooking up one of the best hip-hop albums of the year. Still featuring verses from Phife, Q-Tip and Jarobi enlist the entire woke hiphop community to help them with this latest release, calling upon Busta Rhymes and Consequence the most. Some might call the two the unsung heroes of this album. Though, all the guests can be considered unsung as A Tribe Called Quest chose to make them all temporary members of the group and not list anyone as featured. If you love revived 90s hiphop and creative ways to talk about today's issues, you're going to love this album. You might even find a wild Outkast member hiding in the love below.
Hit Single:
We The People
Standout Tracks:
Space Program
Kids...
Mobius
You Can Skip It:
The Donald - because it's a reference to Donald Trump and we don't need to be reminded of him anymore than we have to be
Release Date: May 6
Runtime: 76:13
My favorite trance-inducing, alabaster prince has returned! There's just something about the way James Blake ramps up his tracks that gets me every time. In a year that was hard to see the brightside, he made me able to see The Colour in Anything. Okay, but all corny jokes aside, this is another great album about love lost and dealing with it and deciding if it's worth recapturing. His third album, it is by far the longest he's ever recorded. At times, you can almost notice how much of a task it was for him to stretch his emotions over 17 tracks, but he manages to pull you back in before he treats you with a guest spot from Bon Iver. It's like having two therapeutic sandmen battle over who wants to tuck you in; it shouldn't feel as comforting as it does but it just does. Feel free to body roll through your listening experience.
Hit Single:
Modern Soul
Standout Tracks:
Radio Silence
Two Men Down
You Can Skip It:
Meet You in the Maze - because by the end of the album, you get that he likes the accordion effect on his voice
Release Date: November 18
Runtime: 33:28
Have you ever wanted a 5'5" Hawaiian man to sing you sweet nothings in the style of your favorite 90s artists? Well, Bruno Mars has you covered. Even before he worked with Mark Ronson on "Uptown Funk," we all knew the little man was a hit maker, but this album takes his abilities to a whole new level as he gives us some of the best choruses of his career. Need I saw no more than, "Throw some perm on your attitude; girl you gotta relax. Let me show you what you got to do, you gotta lay it back!" This is honestly one of those albums you can throw on from start to finish and dance/lip sync the whole way through. He even gives you an interlude while channelling his inner Michael Jackson, allowing you a moment to throw your lovely on the closest flat surface. 24k Magic just makes me anxious for summer to return.
Hit Single:
24K Magic
Standout Tracks:
Perm
Calling All My Lovelies
You Can Skip It:
Straight Up & Down - because it's actually not that good to bump & grind to, though I don't know nothin' 'bout that...
Release Date: December 2
Runtime: 48:57
This is not a rap album; I repeat, this is not a rap album. This is the revival of psychedelic soul you didn't know you urgently needed. Is your mind blown like that .gif of Troy from Community? Donald Glover has long been a man of many talents, producing and singing being among them. There were many times when I found myself in disbelief that it was actually him singing on the track, as it feels like a soul collective coming together to deliver a sound they've worked on for months. With not a single rapped lyric on the album, "'Awaken, My Love'" is a collection of tracks that explores Gambino's more love oriented side as he uses the music of the ancestors to communicate those feelings. Upon your first listen, his techniques can feel a little forced, but once you surrender yourself to the funk, all will feel right.
Hit Single:
Redbone
Standout Tracks:
California
Zombies
You Can Skip It:
Have Some Love - because it's here that he tries his hardest to embody the spirit of the funk and it could be what turns folks away from the rest of the tracks
Release Date: February 14
Runtime: 66:39
Oh look, it's my (very) problematic fav. Doing my duty as a loyal fan and temporarily disregarding my role as a responsible citizen, I'll have to overlook Mr. West's past transgressions and give him his props. When The Life of Pablo first dropped, I called it my least favorite Kanye album, but even his worst is better than other people's best efforts. Even when he gives us disgusting lyrics about getting bleach on his t-shirt, I have to admire him for keeping us talking and giving us memorable lines. He gives us a vaguely hiphop-gospel album while reminding us he's still the cocky, vile human being he's evolved into. (A quick thanks to Chance the Rapper for the best verse of the album.) However, I'm most disappointed in Mr. West for giving us an incomplete album and disguising it as innovation by constantly "evolving" his album. With everything he's done recently, I'm not sure if I'll be able to listen to any future Yeezy albums, but I do know for a fact that I miss the Old Kanye.
Hit Single:
Fade (feat Post Malone & Ty Dolla $ign)
Standout Tracks:
Ultralight Beam (feat Chance the Rapper & 'em)
No More Parties in L.A. (feat Kendrick Lamar)
You Can Skip It:
Waves (feat Chris Brown) - because who hires Breezy to record a hook for them anymore; f**kbois, that's who
Release Date: January 28
Runtime: 50:56
Long my favorite billy goat, Rihanna has finally evolved past just one of my favorite online presences. With this album, she finally gives us an album instead of a collection of singles and filler tracks. It is by far her most cohesive body of work, and through her single chart toppings somewhat suffered because of it, "Work" more than made up for it. Many of the tracks feature a distorted sound that works great for her vocal abilities and flair. I finally found myself wanting to single along to her music. I knew this was one of my favorite albums when during the times I cancelled my Apple Music subscription, I felt the urge to listen to Anti. She also managed to beautifully cover one of my favorite songs of 2015 "Same Ol' Mistakes" by Tame Impala. By the way, if anyone has a mashup of both versions, please send it my way.
Hit Single:
Work (feat. Drake)
Standout Tracks:
Needed Me
Sex With Me
You Can Skip It:
Closer to You - because while Rihanna's vocals are definitely improving, piano ballads are still not her friend
Release Date: May 6
Runtime: 59:08
Kaytranada is not his high on the list because he's a queer-negro from Montreal; he just happens to be a queer-negro from Montreal and on this list. He's an amazing producer who's been giving us the best remixes via Soundcloud the past three years, and his debut album was long awaited. This is yet another album you can throw on from start to finish and vibe/drive/dance/clean/alltheabove to. Except for one instance, every track seamlessly flows into the next, whether there be a featured artist on it or not. Speaking of, Kay was able to pull in all of the best up and coming names like Goldlink, Anderson Paak., and Syd while pulling in some names we haven't heard from in a while. Ya'll, he made Craig David hot again. I cared about a Craig David song in 2016. If that doesn't signal to you how essential to music this young man is, I don't know what will.
Hit Single:
Glowed Up (feat Anderson .Paak)
Standout Tracks:
Lite Spots
Drive Me Crazy (feat Vic Mensa)
You Can Skip It:
Track Uno - only because Kay couldn't think of a better title
Release Date: May 13
Runtime: 57:14
Even though Chance proclaims he's "the only nigga still care about mixtapes," Coloring Book is an album, and don't let Chance try to tell you otherwise. This album is so good, that even as an independent artist, he received a Grammy nomination for it. Though very feature heavy, Coloring Book still allows Chancellor to flourish as the skillful lyricist and raspy singer he is. Why do you think he only used Kanye for the hook of his album's intro? He only needed the cosign; also he might not have been able to afford the verse since he stayed true to himself and gave this album out for free. With topics ranging from losing friends, loving his daughter, Peter Pan, and asking people for gas money, this gospel-delic rap album is like food for the soul. If being this positive in your music is wrong, I don't wanna be right. Where's my choir robe?!
Hit Single:
Angels (feat Saba)
Standout Tracks:
Summer Friend (feat Jeremih & Francis & the Lights)
Same Drugs
You Can Skip It:Blessings (2) - only because Chance decided to confuse me when my iPod is on shuffle
Release Date: September 30
Runtime: 51:43
And the award for "Blackest Album of the Year" goes to... pop vocalist, Solange Knowles! When you have a track titled "F.U.B.U." it's hard not to acquire that accolade. Solange's soulful voice has grown into its final form as she gives us the best album of her career. A Seat at the Table invites all into the conversation of what it means to be black in America and trying to prosper through the forgotten art of the interlude. Featuring short accounts from her parents and multiple from rap mogul Master P, Solange follows up each one with a song so good it leaves you wondering whether the chicken or the egg came first. The-Dream, Sampha, and others lend their producing talents while Tweet, Raphael Saadiq, Kelly Rowland, and Andre 3000 hide behind the backing vocals of many of the songs. (That's right, Tweet's back and she don't plan on leaving!) This album, most of all, is about self-love and -care, and if you don't understand that, Master P and I will get the Avon Lady to pop the trunk on you.
Hit Single:
Cranes in the Sky
Standout Tracks:
Mad (feat Lil Wayne)
F.U.B.U. (feat The-Dream & B.J. the Chicago Kid)
You Can Skip It:
Scales (feat Kelela) - only because it's a grower (not a show-er) and reminds you that the album is almost over
Release Date: April 23
Runtime: 45:49
Gurl. Duh. Like, c'mon. You should have guessed this as soon as Big Freedia came on the single version of "Formation" and "told ya'll, I did not come to play with you hoes. I came to slay, bitch." Beyoncé is one of the best singers and entertainers of our generation. She knows when to innovate and change the game, and she did that by premiering her album as an hour long visual special on HBO. It inspired both black women and Jay-Z reaction memes.
Her vocal game is still as tight as ever. Starting from her opening pseudo-ballad about suspicions to her hopeful outlook for the future on "All Night," Beyonce gives us another honest look inside her life as she explores infidelity, her relationship with her father, and finding strength in a world that wants to break you down. The impact this album has transcended blackness; even white men recognize the greatness that is Lemonade. The slander Beyonce spews over "Sorry" and "Don't Hurt Yourself" is wonderful. The charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent she shares on "6 Inch" leaves people in awe. Her Cajun country song still has haters in their feelings.
It's at times like these I wonder when will Beyoncé ever stop forcing me to place her on top of my list. But then I think again and I am thankful for the opportunity to have her grace me with her presence once again.
Hit Single:
Formation
Standout Tracks:
Sorry
Love Drought
You Can Skip It:
Forward (feat James Blake) - only because it features the fewest Beyonce vocals; shout out to James Blake the Porcelain-Skinned Gawd
Honorable Mentions
Blood Orange's Freetown Sound
Bon Iver's 22, A Million
Frank Ocean's Blonde
Lady Gaga's Joanne
Radiohead's A Moon Shaped Pool
Young Thug's Jeffery
Yup, this was one good ass year for black music. Or maybe it was just a very good year to embrace my blackness? Either way, it's been lit, ya'll. If you'd like to check out my past lists, you can check them out here: 2015, 2014, and 2013. Til next year, stay boppin.
Word
[I made an Apple Music Playlist of all the Standout Tracks here. Enjoy.]
December 15, 2016
Online Dating and Me
[This post is a follow up to last week's Missed Connections. It is also the one year anniversary of this self deprecating piece of trash. Enjoy them, if you'd like, before reading this garbage. Or just read this one; I don't know how much time you have before your boss comes back.]
I am seldomly a practicing homosexual. The past decade, I'd say I've tuned my skills 1.25 times a year. It's hard to tell if I'm genuinely disinterested in most guys, lazy, or just content with my current lifestyle; either way, my love life has always lacked total mutual attraction.
As far back as my elementary school years, I can remember that none of the girls I pretended to date were especially into me. They appreciated the attention, but they usually dismissed me as the silly smart kid. It wasn't until high school when I met my first girlfriend that I would become the one giving less than 100% to the relationship. Don't get me wrong; I took her on dates and made up for all the time our separate schools would take away from us. But I was never fully into her. Besides her being a little unbalanced emotionally at the time, I think we all know why it didn't work out between us. Before my junior year was over, I broke up with the girl who messaged me via MySpace.
Two year laters, MySpace would strike again, as a stranger messaged me from what I can recall as the first time. The attention he gave me was very welcome, and before the summer was over I had my first boyfriend. On our second date, I invited him over my mom's house to practice. It was during this session that he revealed that he loved me. I was 19, so I lied and said the same back. A week after, I returned to college and realized he was much more into me than I was into him. Not wanting to string him along, I broke it off with him by revealing how untruthful I had been. It wasn't a clean break, from what I remember, but eventually I turned into enough of a jerk to ward him off.
Since those two relationships, no one else has been interested or crafty enough to trap me into a relationship. Sure, there have been dates and hookups sprinkled between now and then, but nothing that stuck. The closest someone came was a guy from Montreal.
How did I end up talking to a fellow from Montreal, you might ask. Well, the internet is again a wonderful thing, and homosexuals have several apps and websites to choose from. I don't feel like disclosing what kind of website it was, but it wasn't a fetish website. (It was basically a fetish website.) He gave me enough praise and attention to reel me back in after he would start to creep me out and/or become more invested in me than I was him. He kept saying I should move to Montreal to be with him, but I never seriously entertained the thought. I did eventually, however, see him when I traveled to Canada with a group of friends last year. We spent two nice nights together. If I lived in the providence of the French, there's a chance we might have actually started dating. But I knew myself well enough to know long distance wouldn't work. So once again, I activated my jerk factor until he left me alone. (He's currently reaching out to me again. What can I say, attention is ok.)
Hopefully you've noticed the trend, because it took me until last year to figure it out. My pattern seems to be to crush on guys that I don't think I can obtain (straight, in a relationship, out of my league), so I wait for someone to come to me. The problem then becomes that I'm generally uninterested in those attempting to court me. I haven't fully determined why this Venn Diagram doesn't intersect yet, but something tells me I'm a self-saboteur.
Part of me has always thought I'm not ready for a relationship, be it either financially or emotionally. Even though I developed a fairly positive value in my worth, it's still hard for me to see it as a product others would purchase from my merch store. So what is it about me that refuses to sell when someone wants in?
There are most recent tales I can recount from the past few months, but for the sake of time, let's return to my adventure with Puma from last week.
Puma messaged me a couple days after I sent him a message asking how he liked Baltimore in Conservation. His response lacked next to no awkwardness. This must have communicated to my subconscious that he was ready for all of my anxiety, so I revealed how "nervous" I was to the point of sounding like an idiot. We traded messages for about half an hour before things died down because I felt I had sabotaged myself enough. The validation of him responding back to me was enough. Since that interaction last week, I've thought of him on and off, but nothing that warrants me reaching out to him again.
I really wish I could unlock whatever last block that's keeping me from a successful dating career. A psychiatrist would help, but who has money for that? And I always mean to discuss this pattern with friends, but I usually forget about myself as I listen to their weekly recaps. My good friends (and associates), I beg for your help on this one. I don't want to write another piece about how single-but-fine-but not-really I am this time next year. Help me break the cycle. Or just start having kids, so I can distract myself with becoming more of a gay uncle.
Word.
I am seldomly a practicing homosexual. The past decade, I'd say I've tuned my skills 1.25 times a year. It's hard to tell if I'm genuinely disinterested in most guys, lazy, or just content with my current lifestyle; either way, my love life has always lacked total mutual attraction.
As far back as my elementary school years, I can remember that none of the girls I pretended to date were especially into me. They appreciated the attention, but they usually dismissed me as the silly smart kid. It wasn't until high school when I met my first girlfriend that I would become the one giving less than 100% to the relationship. Don't get me wrong; I took her on dates and made up for all the time our separate schools would take away from us. But I was never fully into her. Besides her being a little unbalanced emotionally at the time, I think we all know why it didn't work out between us. Before my junior year was over, I broke up with the girl who messaged me via MySpace.
Two year laters, MySpace would strike again, as a stranger messaged me from what I can recall as the first time. The attention he gave me was very welcome, and before the summer was over I had my first boyfriend. On our second date, I invited him over my mom's house to practice. It was during this session that he revealed that he loved me. I was 19, so I lied and said the same back. A week after, I returned to college and realized he was much more into me than I was into him. Not wanting to string him along, I broke it off with him by revealing how untruthful I had been. It wasn't a clean break, from what I remember, but eventually I turned into enough of a jerk to ward him off.
Since those two relationships, no one else has been interested or crafty enough to trap me into a relationship. Sure, there have been dates and hookups sprinkled between now and then, but nothing that stuck. The closest someone came was a guy from Montreal.
How did I end up talking to a fellow from Montreal, you might ask. Well, the internet is again a wonderful thing, and homosexuals have several apps and websites to choose from. I don't feel like disclosing what kind of website it was, but it wasn't a fetish website. (It was basically a fetish website.) He gave me enough praise and attention to reel me back in after he would start to creep me out and/or become more invested in me than I was him. He kept saying I should move to Montreal to be with him, but I never seriously entertained the thought. I did eventually, however, see him when I traveled to Canada with a group of friends last year. We spent two nice nights together. If I lived in the providence of the French, there's a chance we might have actually started dating. But I knew myself well enough to know long distance wouldn't work. So once again, I activated my jerk factor until he left me alone. (He's currently reaching out to me again. What can I say, attention is ok.)
Hopefully you've noticed the trend, because it took me until last year to figure it out. My pattern seems to be to crush on guys that I don't think I can obtain (straight, in a relationship, out of my league), so I wait for someone to come to me. The problem then becomes that I'm generally uninterested in those attempting to court me. I haven't fully determined why this Venn Diagram doesn't intersect yet, but something tells me I'm a self-saboteur.
Part of me has always thought I'm not ready for a relationship, be it either financially or emotionally. Even though I developed a fairly positive value in my worth, it's still hard for me to see it as a product others would purchase from my merch store. So what is it about me that refuses to sell when someone wants in?
There are most recent tales I can recount from the past few months, but for the sake of time, let's return to my adventure with Puma from last week.
Puma messaged me a couple days after I sent him a message asking how he liked Baltimore in Conservation. His response lacked next to no awkwardness. This must have communicated to my subconscious that he was ready for all of my anxiety, so I revealed how "nervous" I was to the point of sounding like an idiot. We traded messages for about half an hour before things died down because I felt I had sabotaged myself enough. The validation of him responding back to me was enough. Since that interaction last week, I've thought of him on and off, but nothing that warrants me reaching out to him again.
I really wish I could unlock whatever last block that's keeping me from a successful dating career. A psychiatrist would help, but who has money for that? And I always mean to discuss this pattern with friends, but I usually forget about myself as I listen to their weekly recaps. My good friends (and associates), I beg for your help on this one. I don't want to write another piece about how single-but-fine-but not-really I am this time next year. Help me break the cycle. Or just start having kids, so I can distract myself with becoming more of a gay uncle.
Word.
December 7, 2016
Missed Connections
Last week I had the privilege (thanks to a great friend) of attending two very black and very queer events: a screening of the movie Moonlight and Baltimore in Conversation. I've been wanting to get more involved in Baltimore's queer community for some time now, and these were great opportunities to do so. Unfortunately, the way my anxiety and awkwardness is set up, I didn't get very far.
Through Johns Hopkins hosting a screening at the Charles Theatre, I was able to see Moonlight for free, but not before I took advantage of the free food they were providing. I showed up with my roommate an hour before the movie started (which is the time Hopkins put as the start time so that everyone would so up early/on time, or so I want to believe). As we snacked on the light dinner provided, I noticed glances from the other black gays in attendance and immediately realized I was sitting with a group of all white women. I felt judged, but I didn't mind the company I was keeping that night. It did, however, keep me from interacting with any of them.
Feeling defeated on my first objective of the night, I pocketed my popcorn voucher (a PrEP business card with a smiling black face on it) and filed into the movie theatre. Before the film started, we were joined by one of my roommate's black classmates, who took a liking to me quickly and insisted that the black man photographing the event take a pic of our whole group.
If you haven't seen Moonlight yet, go see it; it's a great coming of age story despite the protagonist not being a straight white man. I almost teared up but found something to laugh at instead, because I am who I am. After the movie, a panel was going to discuss the themes of the movie. I knew I should have stayed, but I was growing restless and just wanted to retreat home. Zero for two on my "connecting with the community" list, if you're keeping count.
The next night, I stepped back out into the night and walked a mile and a half to MICA where the latest installation of Baltimore in Conversation was being held. BiC's mission is to give voices to queer people of color and to have their stories be told. Two trans voices were to be featured that night. I visited BiC's Spring gathering and was impressed with the stories that were shared and wanted to find my way into their group.
I arrived to the scene before my friend who had invited me arrived, so I waited outside in the cold like any logical awkward person would. After receiving [let's call her Meg]'s text, I joined her for another light dinner we were both afraid to get stuck in our teeth, which is right when we were asked to give our thoughts on the night in front of a camera. Following her lead, I fought through my nerves and fears about my speech impediment and gave clear and semi-insightful answers to the interviewer's questions. By the time we wrapped up, I felt a +1 confidence bonus surge my body.
Minutes later, Meg introduced me to one of the organizers of the event, the same tall, muscles-bulging-from-his-shirt Nigerian man she introduced me to at the last event. This time I was going to impress him... until he asked me for my business card and I didn't have one to trade with him. -6 to my confidence, resulting in my lack of desire to find him again as he moved on to socialize with other people. Someday I'm going to get the hang of this networking thing.
Having taken all the L's I thought I could take in two days, I followed Meg and our other friend to our seats before the show began. Meg asked me if I met Puma at the Moonlight screening, a fellow she thought I would like who help organized it, and I replied that I must have missed him.
Baltimore in Conversation is very focused on community building, obviously, so before and between every "act" they ask the audience to speak with people they don't know. Surprisingly, I managed to do this on my own at the Spring event. Though I didn't have the energy for it this time, I prepared myself to fake it until I made it. That was until I turned around to talk to the guys sitting behind us and Meg introduced one as Puma. Upon seeing his face, it all registered to me and I quickly turned around in embarrassment.
It turned out Puma and I matched on Tinder about a year ago. We had a short conversation that fizzled out, but he messaged me again earlier in the week randomly. I didn't see it until the morning of BiC and decided not to respond to it because I had nothing clever to say. It would also turn out that I had seen Puma at the Moonlight screening: once as the smiling black man on the PrEP popcorn voucher and again as the man taking my photo.
My being told me to turn around and make conversation with him, to bring up everything so it's just out and not awkward, to cease the opportunity in front of me, but instead I quietly introduced myself to the three men behind me and sat in silence for the rest of the night.
What's ironic about this last experience is that most guys on Tinder aren't real to me. Tinder almost feels like an egotistical video game only there to improve my self-worth. It's hard for me to talk to men there because it doesn't feel organic, and I often wished that I could just meet men in person through friends. Yet there I was, faced with just that situation, and I froze. I reverted back to my awkward self and doubted my conversational skills.
The only solace I can take is that I messaged Puma the next day. I doubt it'll even work but we'll s-- [typing interrupted by a Tinder notification]. Oh. Well, um, I guess I'll need to write a part two. Til then.
Word.
Through Johns Hopkins hosting a screening at the Charles Theatre, I was able to see Moonlight for free, but not before I took advantage of the free food they were providing. I showed up with my roommate an hour before the movie started (which is the time Hopkins put as the start time so that everyone would so up early/on time, or so I want to believe). As we snacked on the light dinner provided, I noticed glances from the other black gays in attendance and immediately realized I was sitting with a group of all white women. I felt judged, but I didn't mind the company I was keeping that night. It did, however, keep me from interacting with any of them.
Feeling defeated on my first objective of the night, I pocketed my popcorn voucher (a PrEP business card with a smiling black face on it) and filed into the movie theatre. Before the film started, we were joined by one of my roommate's black classmates, who took a liking to me quickly and insisted that the black man photographing the event take a pic of our whole group.
If you haven't seen Moonlight yet, go see it; it's a great coming of age story despite the protagonist not being a straight white man. I almost teared up but found something to laugh at instead, because I am who I am. After the movie, a panel was going to discuss the themes of the movie. I knew I should have stayed, but I was growing restless and just wanted to retreat home. Zero for two on my "connecting with the community" list, if you're keeping count.
The next night, I stepped back out into the night and walked a mile and a half to MICA where the latest installation of Baltimore in Conversation was being held. BiC's mission is to give voices to queer people of color and to have their stories be told. Two trans voices were to be featured that night. I visited BiC's Spring gathering and was impressed with the stories that were shared and wanted to find my way into their group.
I arrived to the scene before my friend who had invited me arrived, so I waited outside in the cold like any logical awkward person would. After receiving [let's call her Meg]'s text, I joined her for another light dinner we were both afraid to get stuck in our teeth, which is right when we were asked to give our thoughts on the night in front of a camera. Following her lead, I fought through my nerves and fears about my speech impediment and gave clear and semi-insightful answers to the interviewer's questions. By the time we wrapped up, I felt a +1 confidence bonus surge my body.
Minutes later, Meg introduced me to one of the organizers of the event, the same tall, muscles-bulging-from-his-shirt Nigerian man she introduced me to at the last event. This time I was going to impress him... until he asked me for my business card and I didn't have one to trade with him. -6 to my confidence, resulting in my lack of desire to find him again as he moved on to socialize with other people. Someday I'm going to get the hang of this networking thing.
Having taken all the L's I thought I could take in two days, I followed Meg and our other friend to our seats before the show began. Meg asked me if I met Puma at the Moonlight screening, a fellow she thought I would like who help organized it, and I replied that I must have missed him.
Baltimore in Conversation is very focused on community building, obviously, so before and between every "act" they ask the audience to speak with people they don't know. Surprisingly, I managed to do this on my own at the Spring event. Though I didn't have the energy for it this time, I prepared myself to fake it until I made it. That was until I turned around to talk to the guys sitting behind us and Meg introduced one as Puma. Upon seeing his face, it all registered to me and I quickly turned around in embarrassment.
It turned out Puma and I matched on Tinder about a year ago. We had a short conversation that fizzled out, but he messaged me again earlier in the week randomly. I didn't see it until the morning of BiC and decided not to respond to it because I had nothing clever to say. It would also turn out that I had seen Puma at the Moonlight screening: once as the smiling black man on the PrEP popcorn voucher and again as the man taking my photo.
My being told me to turn around and make conversation with him, to bring up everything so it's just out and not awkward, to cease the opportunity in front of me, but instead I quietly introduced myself to the three men behind me and sat in silence for the rest of the night.
What's ironic about this last experience is that most guys on Tinder aren't real to me. Tinder almost feels like an egotistical video game only there to improve my self-worth. It's hard for me to talk to men there because it doesn't feel organic, and I often wished that I could just meet men in person through friends. Yet there I was, faced with just that situation, and I froze. I reverted back to my awkward self and doubted my conversational skills.
The only solace I can take is that I messaged Puma the next day. I doubt it'll even work but we'll s-- [typing interrupted by a Tinder notification]. Oh. Well, um, I guess I'll need to write a part two. Til then.
Word.
November 17, 2016
Your Fav is Problematic: Interacting with Trans People
Hey, your fav blogger here. Three years ago, I vacationed in Ireland with the sister I share a dead father with as a way to rekindle our relationship. It was a fun trip. I nearly recapped every day of it in blog form but quit after two days when I decided the readership I received wasn't worth the hours I dedicated to each post. Because of this, I never really got to unpack this photo.
The Wednesday or Thursday of our weeklong tour of Southern Ireland, we finally hit the southernmost part of our trek. My sister and I were traveling with a tourist group made up of mostly elderly Asian sightseers and middle-aged white people with plenty of disposable income. Luckily there were four others in their 20s that liked to explore the nightlife. For the first time since our start in Dublin, we found a proper nightclub. Needless to say, my night was full of dancing. I'm not sure if it was the Irish beer (their mixed drinks are WEAK) or my feeling of anonymity, but I danced with a couple of strangers that night. However, for most of the night, my eyes were locked on the two pictured above.
As a gay man, I kept my sexuality hidden from my traveling companions but yearned to find a gay bar anywhere in Ireland. I didn't exactly know why, but I had a feeling the two of them were part of my tribe.
Everyone in my group, including my sister, went back to our hotel two blocks away before last call, but I stayed til closing. When I filed out to the parking lot, I saw the two I'd been spying on standing right in front of me. Filled with liquid courage, I walked up to them and introduced myself. I believe I still had my wits about me, because I asked them if they were trans before I asked if they were drag queens. They replied, "Yeah." I had found the extended members of my LGBT+ family in a strange land, and I did not hide my excitement.
Before I knew it, I asked them if they knew of any gay bars. Sadly, the nightclub was the closest thing to anything LGBT friendly in the area - or most of the Southern tip of Ireland - according to them. Disappointed to hear that, I kept my attitude up as I begged them for a photo to remember this occasion by. Immediately after it was taken, I departed, never to see them again.
For the past three years, this picture still haunts me. I honestly think I freaked them out. Possibly even offended them. It's not as if I asked to see their private areas or anything like that; even three years ago I had more sense than that (thanks to Tumblr). No, from my memories of that night, I don't think I treated them as humans. I used them for information and, even though I knew they were trans, treated them like drag queens there for my meet-and-greet entertainment. This was obviously not my intention, but that's not how offending people works.
I'll be honest. When I first learned about transgender people, I was confused. I think I was still subscribed to the "God doesn't make mistakes" narrative at the time. I've since grown out of it and think of trans people more as God telling us all that gender isn't what we think it is, but that's a post for another day when I have more time in my lunch break.
Luckily, since my experience in Ireland, I've met more trans people. I still feel weird around them because I want to make sure I give them the respect they deserve and use their preferred pronoun and not stare at them and a slew of other problematic things I occasionally have to shun myself for thinking. But I'm trying to learn and do better everyday, trying to undo whatever mental conditioning growing up in a black conservative community did to me. I'm almost positive it's working.
In the meantime, I'm continually sorry to the Irish women I may have offended that night, even if they thought I was just a lovable bloke looking for the craic*. I'm sorry to any trans person I may have met and said the wrong thing to. I'm sorry if I stare or look away completely. I'm just learning and doing my best to not be totally awkward. I hope you'll bare with me during this time.
Word.
* craic - a term for news, gossip, fun, entertainment, and enjoyable conversation, particularly prominent in Ireland. It is often used with the definite article – the craic – as in the expression "What's the craic?" [Wikipedia]
The Wednesday or Thursday of our weeklong tour of Southern Ireland, we finally hit the southernmost part of our trek. My sister and I were traveling with a tourist group made up of mostly elderly Asian sightseers and middle-aged white people with plenty of disposable income. Luckily there were four others in their 20s that liked to explore the nightlife. For the first time since our start in Dublin, we found a proper nightclub. Needless to say, my night was full of dancing. I'm not sure if it was the Irish beer (their mixed drinks are WEAK) or my feeling of anonymity, but I danced with a couple of strangers that night. However, for most of the night, my eyes were locked on the two pictured above.
As a gay man, I kept my sexuality hidden from my traveling companions but yearned to find a gay bar anywhere in Ireland. I didn't exactly know why, but I had a feeling the two of them were part of my tribe.
Everyone in my group, including my sister, went back to our hotel two blocks away before last call, but I stayed til closing. When I filed out to the parking lot, I saw the two I'd been spying on standing right in front of me. Filled with liquid courage, I walked up to them and introduced myself. I believe I still had my wits about me, because I asked them if they were trans before I asked if they were drag queens. They replied, "Yeah." I had found the extended members of my LGBT+ family in a strange land, and I did not hide my excitement.
Before I knew it, I asked them if they knew of any gay bars. Sadly, the nightclub was the closest thing to anything LGBT friendly in the area - or most of the Southern tip of Ireland - according to them. Disappointed to hear that, I kept my attitude up as I begged them for a photo to remember this occasion by. Immediately after it was taken, I departed, never to see them again.
For the past three years, this picture still haunts me. I honestly think I freaked them out. Possibly even offended them. It's not as if I asked to see their private areas or anything like that; even three years ago I had more sense than that (thanks to Tumblr). No, from my memories of that night, I don't think I treated them as humans. I used them for information and, even though I knew they were trans, treated them like drag queens there for my meet-and-greet entertainment. This was obviously not my intention, but that's not how offending people works.
I'll be honest. When I first learned about transgender people, I was confused. I think I was still subscribed to the "God doesn't make mistakes" narrative at the time. I've since grown out of it and think of trans people more as God telling us all that gender isn't what we think it is, but that's a post for another day when I have more time in my lunch break.
Luckily, since my experience in Ireland, I've met more trans people. I still feel weird around them because I want to make sure I give them the respect they deserve and use their preferred pronoun and not stare at them and a slew of other problematic things I occasionally have to shun myself for thinking. But I'm trying to learn and do better everyday, trying to undo whatever mental conditioning growing up in a black conservative community did to me. I'm almost positive it's working.
In the meantime, I'm continually sorry to the Irish women I may have offended that night, even if they thought I was just a lovable bloke looking for the craic*. I'm sorry to any trans person I may have met and said the wrong thing to. I'm sorry if I stare or look away completely. I'm just learning and doing my best to not be totally awkward. I hope you'll bare with me during this time.
Word.
* craic - a term for news, gossip, fun, entertainment, and enjoyable conversation, particularly prominent in Ireland. It is often used with the definite article – the craic – as in the expression "What's the craic?" [Wikipedia]
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