One of the worst parts about getting older, I've discovered, is watching your friends couple off. Maybe it's the increased maturity levels or perhaps people recognizing what they want, but more of my friends are dating than ever before. Sure I'm happy for them, but that doesn't mean I'm not bitter. These people used to have all the time in the world for our joint shenanigans. Now I have to wait in the wings until the 27 minute love scene is finished before I can have my moment on stage.
While I secretly want to break up everyone on Earth, I realize how insanely selfish that is. However, this doesn't stop me from showing distain anytime someone displays PDA. But I play my part. I give couples their space until I can join in their game of double dutch. There is no shame to my third- and fifth-wheel game, because two friends are better than none.
You would think with all the energy I put into being jealous I would attempt to find someone to date. I don't know how you came to that conclusion; it's wrong. I've been single for the entirety of my twenties - my, that was daunting to type and reread - and I've managed just fine. Having to care about someone else's emotions full time seems draining. [Remember how selfish I am?]
Then I think about having someone to care about me full time. Someone to always laugh with. Someone to tell me about their day. Someone to argue with and then run back to. Someone to hold me at night. Someone to disgust people with how cute we all. Then I go on Grindr and lose hope of every finding that because of slim pickings and vanity.
Perhaps I've conditioned myself to be content with singleness. I suppose it beats constantly whining. It's funny. I thought being gay would excuse me from the standard demands of dating expectations, but my mother and sisters have been bugging me about dating and having children just the same as if I subscribed to heteronormative culture. Sometimes I wish I did.
But that's life, I suppose. You're self-sufficient by choice or necessity until someone comes along and allows you to unload all of your baggage upon them while you hold theirs and you're both happy. I still don't totally grasp the concept, but I admire those who inspire me to believe it exists.
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