Why Are All the Good Ones Girls?

It's no secret that many-a
girl best friend and fag hag alike
have fallen in like, lust, or love
with a gay man in their life.
Why wouldn't they? We're awesome.

But I'm here to reveal to you all
that this hopeless attraction is a two-way street.

Now, I suppose I can only speak for myself since
attempting to put on for my entire orientation would be foolish,
but there have been many girls to turn my head.
I suppose it's why I tried to convince myself I was bi for a while.

You see, I kissed my first girl on the cheek when I was 4.
Granted, she slapped me,
but that didn't stop me from picking a girl out to be mines
in every grade until high school when I went to an all boys' preparatory.
Even then I had a big titty fling [as my friends called it]
and my first actually girlfriend [whom I broke up with]
before exploring my sexuality.

Then there was my freshman year of college.
For the first month I engaged in a flirtatious relationship with a female
before coming out as bisexual.
Funny, I actually expected her to stick around.
She didn't. At least not in a romantic way.

Later that school year I dry humped a girl.
Yeah, that's right. I typed it.
Looking back on it,
I'm pretty sure I was imagining a guy the entire time.

Sam is the best, but not the one I made out with.

But my semi-bizarre dating past behind me,

I still find myself attracted to certain female friends based purely on personality.
I'm sure these girls know who they are.
They're funny, off-beat, charming,
have peculiar laughs, and are open and honest with me.
They're the type of girl that a queer
would make out with when he's drunk.
[That may have happened with one of them. Maybe]

With all this attraction to girls
and my lack of luck with guys
the past 3 and 1/2 years
you'd think I'd try being bi again,
but it just isn't me.
Sure, I like to play in a girl's hair,
fondle her boobies,
and dance with them in the club.
But I still enjoy talking to them about guys.
I just prefer a guy's touch.

There's a term someone used to
describe attraction rooted by personality in the absence of physical attraction
that I'm sure would really drive my point home,
but alas the Google search engine has not helped me rediscover it.

To all you hetero fools that I can't have,
learn to appreciate your women.
One of these days you just might catch
her making out with her gay best friend
who's just been acting a role all this time.
You're just lucky it isn't me.
Word.

2/5/11
Panromantic. That was the word I was looking for.

Learning the Doremi

I've always been interested in music.
Been attempting to sing all my life.
Been in choirs here and there.
I've even wanted to learn the piano
a couple of times in my life.
Yet I've never taken a music class... until now.

I'm only three 50 minute sessions
into the fundamentals,
but I feel as if I've learned so much already.
I suppose it's because it's a brand new field of study.
With english, writing, math, science, history, etc.
the class builds off concepts you already understand,
occasionally covering things you already know.
Taking an actual music class that teaches you
the values of notes, pitch, rhythm...
I feel like the kid in kindergarten eager to learn all over again.

For instance, today we were asked to bring in a song
so that we could begin to identify different rhythms and note patterns.
Being the stan I am,
I chose Welcome to Heartbreak by Kanye West feat Kid Cudi.
I expressed my limited knowledge of the 808
and continued to learn more about the song.
What's there not to love about that?

Now, I won't lie to you.
I've always faked the funk like I knew music in and out,
as if I knew what a D flat sounded like
or when a song was written in G minor (like Welcome to Heartbreak).
I suppose part of me felt the need to pretend I understood
since most people believe I'm fairly knowledgeable about music.
It'll be nice to actually know what I'm agreeing with
when someone says Keri Hilson is flat.

With this class, however, comes a new danger.
I already feel myself wanting to become a know-it-all douche,
seeking to express every bit of new knowledge I have
and explain every song that plays to anyone willing to stand me.
This would lead to my inevitable being bitched out by someone
who's musical knowledge surpasses a level that I can't even imagine.
I would like to avoid this.

That said, if I ever try to act like I know more than you,
put me in my place so we can just go back to enjoying the music.
It'd be greatly appreciated.
Word.

2012/Hiding Myself

The fact that someone asked me for blog advice today
means it's time for me to make my return.
Did you miss me?

I won't lie, I thought about ending this blog.
As always, I'm sitting on a mountain of topics
that I keep dwelling on to discuss with you all,
but I've convinced myself that no one cares about the Monologues anymore.
But by my friend reaching out to me,
I feel as if there are some of you secretly yearning for my next post.
So, here it is.

Forever alone, New Years Edition

I'm aware I'm late, but happy new year.
We haven't seen each other yet
so it's still acceptable to say.
You may not be aware of this but 2011 was the year from hell for me.
My lack of blog posts may have tipped you off to that as well.
How do I expect things to be different in 2012?
Well... I don't. I just plan to make changes in how I approach life itself.

I've been lacking a sense of
motivation and drive lately.
I'm lighting a fire back under my ass.
Persistence is also a word I'm implementing this year.
I have to find a job.
I have to find a place to live.
And if not, I have to become comfortable with
the idea of "delay not failure" as my mother puts it.
But, I'll discuss what I mean by that as the year progresses.

Every year, I wait until midway through January to
decide on a resolution, if any, for the new year.
This is about the time that most people start forgetting
they even made a resolution in the first place.
And even if I didn't make one,
it's not like I'd live my life without purpose or something.

My resolution this year is to stop hiding aspects of myself from people.
You see, often when I'm around certain groups of people
I play up one or two personality traits and hide the rest.
Some people may recognize this as being "fake."
Obviously, that isn't my intention,
rather it's to please people, to not offend them.
Yes, my friends (and associates),
I am a people pleaser.

However, I've discovered as of late being so depresses me.
It makes me question who, if anyone, I can be myself around.

You might be asking what aspects of my personality I hide.
Well, it depends, but usually it's either my flamboyancy or "hood" mentality, however small that aspect may actually be.
I suppose it's because the two are sort of opposites of each other.
It's why being a gay black man can be so hard,
but I'll get into that later (if I haven't already written a post about it.)

So what does this mean exactly?
For some of you, it means a more in your face and wacky Charles.
For most, it means feeling more uncomfortable around me as I talk about boys openly.
And for a select few, it means no change at all because I already feel comfortable around you.
That's my resolution in a nutshell.

Lastly, I'd like to shout out EllaThought.
She's a fellow blogger and has been mighty consistent.
Great quality blog you should be sure to check out.

Well, until the next one, fellows.
Word.