2012/Hiding Myself

The fact that someone asked me for blog advice today
means it's time for me to make my return.
Did you miss me?

I won't lie, I thought about ending this blog.
As always, I'm sitting on a mountain of topics
that I keep dwelling on to discuss with you all,
but I've convinced myself that no one cares about the Monologues anymore.
But by my friend reaching out to me,
I feel as if there are some of you secretly yearning for my next post.
So, here it is.

Forever alone, New Years Edition

I'm aware I'm late, but happy new year.
We haven't seen each other yet
so it's still acceptable to say.
You may not be aware of this but 2011 was the year from hell for me.
My lack of blog posts may have tipped you off to that as well.
How do I expect things to be different in 2012?
Well... I don't. I just plan to make changes in how I approach life itself.

I've been lacking a sense of
motivation and drive lately.
I'm lighting a fire back under my ass.
Persistence is also a word I'm implementing this year.
I have to find a job.
I have to find a place to live.
And if not, I have to become comfortable with
the idea of "delay not failure" as my mother puts it.
But, I'll discuss what I mean by that as the year progresses.

Every year, I wait until midway through January to
decide on a resolution, if any, for the new year.
This is about the time that most people start forgetting
they even made a resolution in the first place.
And even if I didn't make one,
it's not like I'd live my life without purpose or something.

My resolution this year is to stop hiding aspects of myself from people.
You see, often when I'm around certain groups of people
I play up one or two personality traits and hide the rest.
Some people may recognize this as being "fake."
Obviously, that isn't my intention,
rather it's to please people, to not offend them.
Yes, my friends (and associates),
I am a people pleaser.

However, I've discovered as of late being so depresses me.
It makes me question who, if anyone, I can be myself around.

You might be asking what aspects of my personality I hide.
Well, it depends, but usually it's either my flamboyancy or "hood" mentality, however small that aspect may actually be.
I suppose it's because the two are sort of opposites of each other.
It's why being a gay black man can be so hard,
but I'll get into that later (if I haven't already written a post about it.)

So what does this mean exactly?
For some of you, it means a more in your face and wacky Charles.
For most, it means feeling more uncomfortable around me as I talk about boys openly.
And for a select few, it means no change at all because I already feel comfortable around you.
That's my resolution in a nutshell.

Lastly, I'd like to shout out EllaThought.
She's a fellow blogger and has been mighty consistent.
Great quality blog you should be sure to check out.

Well, until the next one, fellows.
Word.