PSA: More Than Just the Presidency

By this point, I suspect all of us have voted early or know who we're voting for President of the U.S. tomorrow. If not, my lanta, how are you still on the fence this close to the election? Sorry, I'm working on my "undecided-shaming;" God's working on all of us.

This 18+ month long election year has been physically and mentally draining on many of us as it pulled our focus to the presidential election. I'm here to remind you all to brush up on your local politics like you're about to cram for a final exam the night before by going over the candidates for other offices and the questions being voted on in your community. If you search online, you can easily find the sample ballot for your area. The more informed and ready you are for the election tomorrow, the faster you can get in and out to prevent long lines and restless citizens from going back to work before they actually vote.

You may be reading my little public service announcement and thinking, "Pish-posh, I'm a democratic; I'm just gonna vote down the line for my party." Well, friend (or associate), I hope you at least voted in your party's primary back in March/April. However, I'd still recommend against blind voting. If you do even a little last minute research, you might find the Green or Libertarian (or dare I say, even the Republican) candidate is more aligned with your beliefs. I'm just saying, it doesn't hurt to look; it does hurt the country if we allow the wrong people to make terrible decisions for our future.

On a similar note, please refrain from selecting every woman you see on the ballot in the name of feminism. Yes, we need more women in positions of power, but just as not all men are fit to lead, not all women can rise to the occasion. Responsible voting is key, especially this season.

If you don't have the opportunity to look up the questions on the ballot ahead of time, please still read them. Most ballots will give a synopsis of what each Bond Issue or Charter Amendment is looking to accomplish. Many of these questions have to do with funding, affordable housing, loans the city want to take out, and what businesses can and can't do in your city.

Though I am based in Baltimore, I want this to reach as many people as possible. I apologize for being non-detailed in this post. However, know I love and respect you all (but I respect you less if you vote for a man and his running mate that will take away my rights and the rights of others).

Remember to plan your election day experience accordingly. Polls are open from 7am to 8pm in Maryland. Some open or close an hour earlier or later in other states. Remember that there may be long lines. Stay as stress-free as possible. Buy your necessary vices tonight; find your small or large viewing party. Plan to call out Wednesday is you foresee Tuesday night going a certain way. Have a safe and happy Election Day. I'll see you all on the other side.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a big exam tomorrow to study for.

Word.

Hot Take Thursdays: Make Republicans Great Again

Two days ago, Ted Cruz announced he was pulling out of the Republican primary race for President. Yesterday, John Kasich followed suit, leaving Donald Trump as the party's last man standing. America is one giant step towards a nightmare becoming a reality. I hereby motion we nickname him Freddy Krueger for the remainder of his relevancy.

Part of me is upset Cruz and Kasich jumped out of Sauron's line of vision instead of being the human shields they were propped up to be; the other half of me is fine no longer living in suspense of a Trump nomination.  All of me is still in rage that America has allowed Trump to stay around as long as The Simpsons. But before he became the only elephant in the race, a thought crossed my mind - a conspiracy, if you will: the Republican party is trying to tank itself.

It's no secret the Republican party has been struggling throughout the 21st century as far as the presidency is concerned. First there was the wacky duo of G. W. Bush and Dick Cheney, so easy to poke fun at and criticize I was actually sad when their second term was over. John McCain nearly saved racists and bigots from America's first black president, but pairing a Golden Corral Platinum Member with the lunatic lady governor of Alaska was the equivalent of Cheney shooting them in the face. Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan were the sanest candidates the Grand Ol' Party produced in the last decade, but they too had flaws America just couldn't forgive.

For the past year, American citizens registered as Republicans have had to endure the kangaroo court that was the 12-part miniseries called the Republican Primaries. Individually, I believe they all realized they wouldn't be able to vote for any of the candidates come November 8. The decision then became which candidate would be the most entertaining while most certainly turning the GOP on its head and possibly setting it ablaze. The obvious answer was Donald J Trump. He has the most impressive resume as far as television credits and being a self-starter. He's a man Republican voters from 18 to 98 can build up and let tumble into oblivion without causing any psychological harm. They aren't monsters like him, after all.

Of course, the GOP tried their hardest to dissuade the public, but the decision had already been made. They held their private meetings under white cloaks and came to an agreement. Those that held out hope still voted for Ted Cruz, but their numbers dwindled with each primary state election.

Now the Republican party must wait to see if their plan to sandbag themselves will work, or if they've brainwashed themselves into believing Trump could actually be good for this country on the platform he's been championing.

Meanwhile, George Bush Sr cackles the way Dana Carvey taught him as he shakes Bill Clinton's hand and says to him, "Sorry for the eight year delay, but 32 years of straight Bushes and Clintons would have been too suspicious. Tell your wife, 'Happy Birthday' for me when the time comes." Bill doesn't say a word or smile in response. Instead, his security guard hands him the sax he played on the Arsenio Hall Show, and he riffs for the next 12 minutes while Bush Sr claps along. If you listen close enough, you can make out the morse code: J.E.B. doesn't have next.

Best wishes to all you republicans. May your not-so-secret plan to revamp your party work. Playing the game with no worthy opponent is far too boring.

Sincerely, an overconfident, over-hopeful Democrat and American citizen.


Word.

And the President of 2020 is...

And now, another actual monologue from my upcoming show You're Not My Step-Mother and You Never Will Be! coming to a stage near you this Neveruary.

~~~

Listen, I love Kanye, adore him. He's a mastermind. Music as we know it wouldn't be what it is without him. So imagine what the States will be like if he actually runs for president in 2020. The entire world would never be the same!

Now, I hear you. Why would we want Kim Kardashian-West as our First Lady? Well, I'm personally hoping he divorces her, but don't allow her to dissuade you the same way Sarah Palin did. We can work around that package deal. I mean, wouldn't it be everything to have North and Saint West as the First Children. [gasp] Jay-Z could remix My President is Black again!

Stop giving me those crazy eyes! Yes, future President West is nuts. Bonkers. He's come after people when they weren't talking about him or his family. He's messed around with supporting Cosby. But look what he's been through. Such humble beginnings as an aspiring producer and rapper from the south side of Chicago. He made his way unto the Roc-A-Fella team. He survived a car crash that could have taken his life away. He survived the emotional trauma of his mother passing. He's almost done surviving his breakup with Amber Rose. No matter how big he gets, he's still an underdog. You want him to stay in his lane; the fashion industry wants him to stay in his lane. And granted, his latest collection seems like a ripoff, but that's the true sign of a businessman and mogul. He's literally doing better than selling water to a whale*.

All I'm saying is, I want Kanye to win more. He inspired me in high school. I wanted to be Kanye. In some ways I still do; I aspire to his levels of confidence and success. I want to see him go as far as possible. Because the farther he goes, the farther I can go. He's paving the way, and I shall follow him until I can make a path of my own!

That's how you sound when you talk about Trump, Trisha. Don't lie, you love his "humble" beginnings, too. You think if Trump can be as irreverent as he's been, as racist and unapologetic as he's been and succeed to the highest office in the land, so can you. You're pushing a man you know would be terrible for this country because you believe things will start going your way. He's convinced you to buy into his brand. He's spent close to two decades brainwashing you between all his scandals and time on television. And yes, he's entertaining. Damn, is he entertaining, but in the same way Jafar is entertaining, Trisha. In the same way that got Dubba Bush re-elected, Trisha. I'm sorry, but I just can't support that. Separate the character from the gotdamn person!

And if all you took away from this conversation is that I would actually want Kanye West to be my president, then you're denser than I thought.


~~~
Previews start in my living room next month.


Word


*Jay-Z lyric from U Don't Know, Blueprint 1 era