Monologue For Young Adults 3: Secession (4/31)

[This is an installation in a series I began in 2017. Each stands alone as its own piece.]

Monologue 1: Housing --  Monologue 2: Green Thumb

So like… how married are we to this whole “United” thing? Cause in theory it’s cute, but in practice… I just don’t see it, just like how I’ll never see every state cause I value my life. In my mind, the divide is already there. Three nations: The west coast and those four corner states, that big ol dusty midwest and the filthy south, and finally us up here - the OG 13 states, minus and adding a couple states. Shut up, I know my constitution or whateva.

 I’m just saying, I’ve noticed the trend. The people of the coasts and the people of the swamps and dustbowls are built different. Hell, each state’s basically already doing what it wants to anyway. At least my idea of keeping them all together in three pieces is better than the chaos of fifty tiny nations making treaties amongst each other like Europe.  People already ran away from that system once.  

What’s keepin us together? Honestly? Resources? Oil? Ugh fuckin oil; I’m tired of dinosaur juice. Let’s go back to buying fuel for horses. Which would probably come from farmers in the Midwest. But if they hold food hostage, they’re just as fucked up as we thought. Honestly, I’ll miss Chicago, Atlanta, and Houston the most. Oooo, and New Orleans. Shit, ok. Definitely gotta establish some sort of embassy system for the decent metropolitan areas trapped in Reagania.  

What? Oh, now, I would never name them - I don’t wanna take away their agency or nothin’ -  but obviously the middle would name themselves after Reagan. They don’t like being too current and love to cherry pick history, so it just makes sense. The west could be cool and go with Portlandia or like Big Reno, but they’d be surprisingly boring and go with Western United. That’s why it’s up to us in the east to be original and go with Freedia. Listen, if we can convince the queen of bounce music herself to move up here, that’s just a plus.

Word

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PSA: More Than Just the Presidency

By this point, I suspect all of us have voted early or know who we're voting for President of the U.S. tomorrow. If not, my lanta, how are you still on the fence this close to the election? Sorry, I'm working on my "undecided-shaming;" God's working on all of us.

This 18+ month long election year has been physically and mentally draining on many of us as it pulled our focus to the presidential election. I'm here to remind you all to brush up on your local politics like you're about to cram for a final exam the night before by going over the candidates for other offices and the questions being voted on in your community. If you search online, you can easily find the sample ballot for your area. The more informed and ready you are for the election tomorrow, the faster you can get in and out to prevent long lines and restless citizens from going back to work before they actually vote.

You may be reading my little public service announcement and thinking, "Pish-posh, I'm a democratic; I'm just gonna vote down the line for my party." Well, friend (or associate), I hope you at least voted in your party's primary back in March/April. However, I'd still recommend against blind voting. If you do even a little last minute research, you might find the Green or Libertarian (or dare I say, even the Republican) candidate is more aligned with your beliefs. I'm just saying, it doesn't hurt to look; it does hurt the country if we allow the wrong people to make terrible decisions for our future.

On a similar note, please refrain from selecting every woman you see on the ballot in the name of feminism. Yes, we need more women in positions of power, but just as not all men are fit to lead, not all women can rise to the occasion. Responsible voting is key, especially this season.

If you don't have the opportunity to look up the questions on the ballot ahead of time, please still read them. Most ballots will give a synopsis of what each Bond Issue or Charter Amendment is looking to accomplish. Many of these questions have to do with funding, affordable housing, loans the city want to take out, and what businesses can and can't do in your city.

Though I am based in Baltimore, I want this to reach as many people as possible. I apologize for being non-detailed in this post. However, know I love and respect you all (but I respect you less if you vote for a man and his running mate that will take away my rights and the rights of others).

Remember to plan your election day experience accordingly. Polls are open from 7am to 8pm in Maryland. Some open or close an hour earlier or later in other states. Remember that there may be long lines. Stay as stress-free as possible. Buy your necessary vices tonight; find your small or large viewing party. Plan to call out Wednesday is you foresee Tuesday night going a certain way. Have a safe and happy Election Day. I'll see you all on the other side.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a big exam tomorrow to study for.

Word.

Hot Take Thursdays: Make Republicans Great Again

Two days ago, Ted Cruz announced he was pulling out of the Republican primary race for President. Yesterday, John Kasich followed suit, leaving Donald Trump as the party's last man standing. America is one giant step towards a nightmare becoming a reality. I hereby motion we nickname him Freddy Krueger for the remainder of his relevancy.

Part of me is upset Cruz and Kasich jumped out of Sauron's line of vision instead of being the human shields they were propped up to be; the other half of me is fine no longer living in suspense of a Trump nomination.  All of me is still in rage that America has allowed Trump to stay around as long as The Simpsons. But before he became the only elephant in the race, a thought crossed my mind - a conspiracy, if you will: the Republican party is trying to tank itself.

It's no secret the Republican party has been struggling throughout the 21st century as far as the presidency is concerned. First there was the wacky duo of G. W. Bush and Dick Cheney, so easy to poke fun at and criticize I was actually sad when their second term was over. John McCain nearly saved racists and bigots from America's first black president, but pairing a Golden Corral Platinum Member with the lunatic lady governor of Alaska was the equivalent of Cheney shooting them in the face. Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan were the sanest candidates the Grand Ol' Party produced in the last decade, but they too had flaws America just couldn't forgive.

For the past year, American citizens registered as Republicans have had to endure the kangaroo court that was the 12-part miniseries called the Republican Primaries. Individually, I believe they all realized they wouldn't be able to vote for any of the candidates come November 8. The decision then became which candidate would be the most entertaining while most certainly turning the GOP on its head and possibly setting it ablaze. The obvious answer was Donald J Trump. He has the most impressive resume as far as television credits and being a self-starter. He's a man Republican voters from 18 to 98 can build up and let tumble into oblivion without causing any psychological harm. They aren't monsters like him, after all.

Of course, the GOP tried their hardest to dissuade the public, but the decision had already been made. They held their private meetings under white cloaks and came to an agreement. Those that held out hope still voted for Ted Cruz, but their numbers dwindled with each primary state election.

Now the Republican party must wait to see if their plan to sandbag themselves will work, or if they've brainwashed themselves into believing Trump could actually be good for this country on the platform he's been championing.

Meanwhile, George Bush Sr cackles the way Dana Carvey taught him as he shakes Bill Clinton's hand and says to him, "Sorry for the eight year delay, but 32 years of straight Bushes and Clintons would have been too suspicious. Tell your wife, 'Happy Birthday' for me when the time comes." Bill doesn't say a word or smile in response. Instead, his security guard hands him the sax he played on the Arsenio Hall Show, and he riffs for the next 12 minutes while Bush Sr claps along. If you listen close enough, you can make out the morse code: J.E.B. doesn't have next.

Best wishes to all you republicans. May your not-so-secret plan to revamp your party work. Playing the game with no worthy opponent is far too boring.

Sincerely, an overconfident, over-hopeful Democrat and American citizen.


Word.

Talk'o Tuesdays: #71 Become more attentive of local politics

Good news, my dear friends (and associates). It's taken me five months, but I've finally crossed off an abstract objective from my list of 102 Tasks in 1002 Days. And it's politics related! Look at me actually attempting to be an adult and involved in the world I live in. Don't get crazy, it's not like I volunteered to help anyone campaign. We're all about baby steps here at Wacko, Incorporated. 

Last Tuesday, Maryland held all of its primary elections, including the city level. There was a week of early voting, but I hadn't done sufficient enough a job of researching the candidates for positions such as judge and city council to feel comfortable filling in those little bubbles. So many candidates, so little time. 

When it came to vote, I ended up leaving the judge and senate sections blank. Saying I was tempted to fill in a woman candidate anytime I didn't know anyone would be an understatement, but I realized that would have been like blindly voting for Hillary just because you want to see more diversity in politics. 

Primary Day, there was no shortage of Parks and Rec level antics.  The day before I heard Catherine Pugh offered people (mostly black, this is Baltimore) fried chicken while she campaigned. (I still haven't forgiven myself for missing the opportunity to title a post "Chicken for Votes.") The day of, volunteers littered the block in front of the firehouse trying to convince me to vote for their candidate. Let me say, if you can be swayed to vote for someone seconds before you walk into the polling place, what are you even doing their, fam? The best kicker came an hour after I voted. Apparently Pugh's promise of jobs for her supporters fell through on Primary Day, and the upset citizens caused property damage outside of her headquarters. I love when truth becomes stranger than fiction. 

Being a frequent Twitter user and avid follower of the Black Liver Matter movement, I wanted to give DeRay a chance. However, he entered the race too late, he didn't have enough traction among the older generations of Baltimore, and he's still a little green behind the ears as far as politics go. I look forward to what he has to offer in the future, though.

I knew the two frontrunners were Catherine Pugh and Sheila Dixon, but I hoped that despite the overwhelming amount of democratic candidates Baltimore would be able to see one as the most viable option. I considered Elizabeth Embry as that option. During the debates, she seemed smart, dedicated, and knowledgable about what Baltimore needs - having been part of the system herself. And sure, she's a white lady trying to lead a majority black city, but I don't think race is important if you're dedicated to the job. Apparently, most of my friends thought the same. Who knew? Embry: the hope of young Baltimore. 

On the City Council level, I voted for Ryan Dorsey in my district. A friend of mine had been informing me of all his policies, and after looking at his main competition Jermaine Jones, I decided Dorsey the better option. 

Unfortunately, Tuesday night was not as joyous and optimistic as the day had been. After finding out Hillary and Trump had both taken Maryland and its delegates, I learned Catherine Pugh won the democratic nomination with 37% of the vote. It helped ease the pain when I learned Emory came in third with 12% and Dorsey won his primary bid. 

You may be wondering why I haven't discussed any Republican candidates yet. That's because they're nearly nonexistent in Maryland, a largely Democratic state. Baltimore is even more democratic, some City Council district races not even having a republican nominee - like my district. This means that any Democratic that won last Tuesday will most likely win the main election come November. 

According to WBAL's website and my own additional resources, only about a fifth of Baltimore residents showed up to vote for the mayoral primary election. It begs the question what the result would have been if we could have gotten even three-fifths of Baltimore to vote. Probably a more overwhelming turning out for Pugh. She's been in the game a long time. 

Speaking of Pugh, in my further research since Primary Day, I discovered she had her tires slashed the same day she won. I think I can learn to look forward to her mayorship. If her reign will be anything like her campaign, in the words of Joanne Prada, "[She'll be] a messy bitch who lives for drama!" I just hope Baltimore can survive the shitshow. 

With the primaries over - and most of the positions spoken for - many people will stop keeping up with local politics. I myself could use a break. However, I plan to keep an eye on as many of these politicians as possible. I want to be able to applaud their triumphs and shame their missteps. Besides, some of these people will run again in four years. I need to know how they handle failure and reshape their community as regular citizens. 

Until the next race, candidates. 

Word. 

WBAL Primary Coverage - http://www.wbaltv.com/politics/bookmark-this-2016-baltimore-primary-election-results/39172104

Joanne Prada's Twitter - http://www.twitter.com/joanneprada/

Catherine Pugh's Website - http://www.pughformayor.com/

Elizabeth Embry's Website - http://www.embryforbaltimore.org/

DeRay Mckesson's Website - https://www.derayformayor.com/

Ryan Dorsey's Website - http://www.electryandorsey.com/

And the President of 2020 is...

And now, another actual monologue from my upcoming show You're Not My Step-Mother and You Never Will Be! coming to a stage near you this Neveruary.

~~~

Listen, I love Kanye, adore him. He's a mastermind. Music as we know it wouldn't be what it is without him. So imagine what the States will be like if he actually runs for president in 2020. The entire world would never be the same!

Now, I hear you. Why would we want Kim Kardashian-West as our First Lady? Well, I'm personally hoping he divorces her, but don't allow her to dissuade you the same way Sarah Palin did. We can work around that package deal. I mean, wouldn't it be everything to have North and Saint West as the First Children. [gasp] Jay-Z could remix My President is Black again!

Stop giving me those crazy eyes! Yes, future President West is nuts. Bonkers. He's come after people when they weren't talking about him or his family. He's messed around with supporting Cosby. But look what he's been through. Such humble beginnings as an aspiring producer and rapper from the south side of Chicago. He made his way unto the Roc-A-Fella team. He survived a car crash that could have taken his life away. He survived the emotional trauma of his mother passing. He's almost done surviving his breakup with Amber Rose. No matter how big he gets, he's still an underdog. You want him to stay in his lane; the fashion industry wants him to stay in his lane. And granted, his latest collection seems like a ripoff, but that's the true sign of a businessman and mogul. He's literally doing better than selling water to a whale*.

All I'm saying is, I want Kanye to win more. He inspired me in high school. I wanted to be Kanye. In some ways I still do; I aspire to his levels of confidence and success. I want to see him go as far as possible. Because the farther he goes, the farther I can go. He's paving the way, and I shall follow him until I can make a path of my own!

That's how you sound when you talk about Trump, Trisha. Don't lie, you love his "humble" beginnings, too. You think if Trump can be as irreverent as he's been, as racist and unapologetic as he's been and succeed to the highest office in the land, so can you. You're pushing a man you know would be terrible for this country because you believe things will start going your way. He's convinced you to buy into his brand. He's spent close to two decades brainwashing you between all his scandals and time on television. And yes, he's entertaining. Damn, is he entertaining, but in the same way Jafar is entertaining, Trisha. In the same way that got Dubba Bush re-elected, Trisha. I'm sorry, but I just can't support that. Separate the character from the gotdamn person!

And if all you took away from this conversation is that I would actually want Kanye West to be my president, then you're denser than I thought.


~~~
Previews start in my living room next month.


Word


*Jay-Z lyric from U Don't Know, Blueprint 1 era

Hillary Dabbin for Votes

Likability shouldn't play this large a role in a presidential campaign, but unfortunately we tend to favor the candidates that can relate to us. Hillary Clinton and her team recognize this, and have been doing everything they can to capture the youth demographic. Luckily for many [sigh] millenials, we've been able to see through her bullshit.

By no means am I Hillary hater. I think she's a love lady and politician. But the way she's been campaigning towards the young adults of America is insulting. First there was the Vine.

It's like watching your mom trying to relate and keep you around, which ultimately pushes you away because you can't tell she's not genuine nor is she finding out what you're actually interested in.

But have no worries, kids. Hillary soon realized one of our super cool interests: dancing. And what dance is oh so popular right now? That's right, the whip and the nae nae. At least they were before she attempted the moves with Ellen Degeneres. It's almost as if she's trying to distract us from her actual platform. She's not talking to us.

That's when the unthinkable happened. Last night on Broad City, Ilana stumbled upon one of Hillary Clinton's campaign centers and joined the team. I appreciated the nods to the harsh critiques of Hillary ranging from sexist comments to demeaning questions. They were some jokes at her expense as well, but nothing we hadn't heard before. Then a moment happened that I thought was a dream. Hillary appeared before Abbi and Ilana, causing them to fangirl an obscene amount while Hillary stood basking in adoration. For the majority of the scene, the duo weren't even in the same shot as Hillary. It was only during Abbi and Ilana's awkward hug session with Clinton while she stared into the camera that I realized what happened: they'd been bought.

Granted, Abbi and Ilana have met Hillary prior to this episode in real life, and I have no doubt they are fans of her and possibly supporters of her campaign. But last night's episode of Broad City bordered on pandering from Hillary's appearance onward. Little about it felt natural. It's like the tone of the show shifted for five minutes. It made me feel sorry for the actresses more than anything.

Maybe this is being an adult: realizing that your favorite actors and tv shows have political alignments that differ from your own and learning how to properly react. I would like to think I would notice if the same was being done for Bernie - Lord knows I'd notice if it were for Trump - but I could possibly be blind behind my rose-colored glasses.

In any case, I appreciate Hillary's enthusiasm. I just don't think she's spent enough time marketing her policies to young voters in a way that they will understand and respect her. Perhaps this is because she knows what she wants to accomplish won't appeal to young voters. Perhaps she's done more than I realize; I'm only but so educated on all of her rounds. My only hope is that if Hillary is our Democratic nominee this election year she stops shucking and jiving for our votes and relates to us a personal level. ...or at least hire a running mate who can.


Word

Local Elections: Baby's First Mayoral Forum

Last night, I watched my first mayoral forum. As an actual adult - not three kids stack on each other's shoulders in a trench coat - it's my duty to stay informed and vote for the betterment of my community. Baltimore is the first city I chose to inhabit; I have to help improve it somehow.

I won't bore you with each candidates' platforms. There were more than ten of them, and I realized at the two hour mark that I've should have been taking notes the whole time. Luckily, most of the candidates have websites with detailed plans that I will be visiting later. However, since I didn't have anyone to livetweet the event with, here are some highlights in case you missed it.

After dealing with shitty internet blackouts from the only supplier in my neighborhood [*cough* Comcast *cough*] I can only assume was brought on my the torrential downpour last night, I was able to tune into the livestream of the mayoral forum on Youtube. Apparently forums aren't important enough to even televise on Public Access. They also aren't important enough to be held in City Hall as the candidates for mayor and their supporters gathered in a local church.

The forum started with a prominent young girl reading her proposed budget for the city after winning a contest. The crowd enjoyed the little future-mayoral candidate's enthusiasm. Once she finished, each candidate was given 60 seconds to introduce themselves. It should hereby be noted that a church tambourine was used to signify when time was up.

Candidates from all parties were in attendance: Democratic, Republican, and Green. Apparently, Republican candidates have a hard time becoming mayor of Baltimore - or even running - as the sole old, white Republican man consistently thanked the crowd for inviting the party to the debate and hoped they would pick him as the Republican candidate. Though there were two black men also in his party, he reminded me the most of an elephant.

During the question and answer portion, the forum showed me Parks and Rec was not far off in its depiction of local politics. Though mostly cordial and informative, the candidates occasionally picked fights with each other during their allotted 90 seconds of response time; the crowd laughed much like a studio audience would.

Standout moments:

• Dem. Sheila Dixon commented that 90 seconds was not enough time to properly answer a question as she was tambourine'd to place the microphone back on its stand. The man that followed her immediately dismissed her saying everyone had 90 seconds. The crowd lost it.
• Dem. Sheila Dixon also clutched her binder for the better part of the evening. For some reason, I deeply appreciated this. Perhaps it called back the humor that was "Binders Full of Women" years ago.
• Dem. Catherine Pugh and Dem. Carl Stokes displayed professionalism and cited their experience and Baltimore politics that clued me in as to why they're the early frontrunners and therefore have the most support in the form of front yard banners across the city.
• Dem. Elizabeth Embry - the sole white woman on stage - impressed me with how "woke" she seemed to be, forcing me to make a mental note to check her out later.
• Dem. DeRay McKesson - one of the leading voices of the Black Lives Matter movement - didn't fail to appear in his trademark blue vest, nor did he neglect to separate himself by saying he wasn't running behind a slogan, but a solid platform.
• Dem. DeRay McKesson, as expected, talked about police reform and how police lied about threats from gangs during the recent riot and the following events. He was then rebutted by police officer Dem. Gersham Cupid, saying he received threats himself. It was then that I decided upon a slogan for McKesson: A man in blue you can trust in.

I'd be lying if I said DeRay McKesson wasn't the deciding factor on my interest in local politics. He was a name I recognized and wanted to hear out. Thanks to him, I now have several candidates to read up on. Stay tuned for my review of the second and last mayoral forum before the election. I promise 100% more facts. Because facts matter.

Remember to exercise your right to stay informed and vote in the coming local and national elections in a city near you!

Word