Hillary Dabbin for Votes

Likability shouldn't play this large a role in a presidential campaign, but unfortunately we tend to favor the candidates that can relate to us. Hillary Clinton and her team recognize this, and have been doing everything they can to capture the youth demographic. Luckily for many [sigh] millenials, we've been able to see through her bullshit.

By no means am I Hillary hater. I think she's a love lady and politician. But the way she's been campaigning towards the young adults of America is insulting. First there was the Vine.

It's like watching your mom trying to relate and keep you around, which ultimately pushes you away because you can't tell she's not genuine nor is she finding out what you're actually interested in.

But have no worries, kids. Hillary soon realized one of our super cool interests: dancing. And what dance is oh so popular right now? That's right, the whip and the nae nae. At least they were before she attempted the moves with Ellen Degeneres. It's almost as if she's trying to distract us from her actual platform. She's not talking to us.

That's when the unthinkable happened. Last night on Broad City, Ilana stumbled upon one of Hillary Clinton's campaign centers and joined the team. I appreciated the nods to the harsh critiques of Hillary ranging from sexist comments to demeaning questions. They were some jokes at her expense as well, but nothing we hadn't heard before. Then a moment happened that I thought was a dream. Hillary appeared before Abbi and Ilana, causing them to fangirl an obscene amount while Hillary stood basking in adoration. For the majority of the scene, the duo weren't even in the same shot as Hillary. It was only during Abbi and Ilana's awkward hug session with Clinton while she stared into the camera that I realized what happened: they'd been bought.

Granted, Abbi and Ilana have met Hillary prior to this episode in real life, and I have no doubt they are fans of her and possibly supporters of her campaign. But last night's episode of Broad City bordered on pandering from Hillary's appearance onward. Little about it felt natural. It's like the tone of the show shifted for five minutes. It made me feel sorry for the actresses more than anything.

Maybe this is being an adult: realizing that your favorite actors and tv shows have political alignments that differ from your own and learning how to properly react. I would like to think I would notice if the same was being done for Bernie - Lord knows I'd notice if it were for Trump - but I could possibly be blind behind my rose-colored glasses.

In any case, I appreciate Hillary's enthusiasm. I just don't think she's spent enough time marketing her policies to young voters in a way that they will understand and respect her. Perhaps this is because she knows what she wants to accomplish won't appeal to young voters. Perhaps she's done more than I realize; I'm only but so educated on all of her rounds. My only hope is that if Hillary is our Democratic nominee this election year she stops shucking and jiving for our votes and relates to us a personal level. ...or at least hire a running mate who can.


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Black Erasure

First things first, happy Stay Woke Awareness Month, or as it's more commonly known Black History Month. Sorry I took a week or so off, had to recuperate and refocus. See, I've noticed the amount of softballs and fluff pieces I've been producing. In an attempt to give you all better content, I'm here to present to you a theory that's so apparent it's hard to believe: white America is trying to wipe black America out of existence.

Now, I don't mean every single white person. No, don't be silly. This is directed at the powers that be - the Man or Council of Supremacy, if you will. You have to understand, they're just trying to hold on to the past. They arranged things just the way they liked it, and they intend on keeping it that way. Why give up your seat upon the throne to share a slice of cake when you can eat it?*

How are George Washington's Wooden Dentures taking us out one by one? Allow me to lay these conspiracies upon you, my dear brothers and sisters [and cousins].

The most tragic and apparent injustice against people of black descent are the countless instances of police brutality and fatality. One would have thought the lesson would have been learned from the Rodney King case, but history does tend to repeat itself. Luckily, social media exposes more corrupt and malicious police officers than ever before. Unfortunately, the incrimination rate of these officers is not as high. It is constant insult to injury for nearly every instance. In the grand scheme of things, this makes sense. Why would the White Shadow wish mass genocide upon us like the KKK? We were more useful to them as broken people. They wish to tire us mentally.

They start out small, almost microgressions. For the past 50 or more years, the American sports industry has been dominated by black players - an amazing result of slave breeding that's worked in our favor. However, in the NFL, the majority of quarterbacks are white - because, you know, leaders are white. Russell Wilson is the only black quarterback to have appeared in the Super Bowl as of Super Bowl 49 [or XLVIII]. During the 2015 season, we have been graced by the magnificence that is Cam Newton, but he's been faced with adversity as people call him a thug or worse. Apparently dabbing in the end zone is a terrible offense. They find anyway to disgrace a black quarterback, but will defend a white quarterback until they're backed into a corner. Sure, some cases have been dismissed at accusations, but in most environments being accused of rape should destroy your career.

Sports aren't the only public arena black people are discredited. By now, we've all become familiar with the phenomenon that is #OscarsSoWhite. The clear disrespect that Sylvester Stallone is nominated while Michael B Jordan and Ryan Coogler remain neglected for their work as lead actor and director, respectively, is ridiculous. In fairness, I haven't seen the movie. It's just amusing that the prominent white actor in what could very easily be considered a "black movie" is the one being recognized for his talents. But you know, when you're an old white men sitting on an academy award committee you truly want to see yourself represented in the media because you've never had the opportunity before.

I'd like to wrap up my first militant post of 2016 with a nod to Michael Joseph Jackson. You've faced plenty of adversity in your life: abuse from your father, vitiligo, the Pepsi incident, child abuse/rape claims, monkey ownership, etc. However, you were a wonderful and impactful black man. Very proud of it, if memory serves correctly. So allow me to formally apologize for the casting of Joseph Fiennes in a fanfic about you, Elizabeth Taylor, and Marlon Brando fleeing a post 9/11 New York City - for both the white actor portraying you and what's sure to be a clusterfuck of a film. Also, I'm sorry for the whiteface Flex Alexander donned in that one television movie. Maybe we should just leave you out of films.

The problem of whitewashing characters is all too real. I'm glad no one has tried to hide behind the thin vail of colorblind casting only to be asked why the cast looks like a box of Rice Krispies. Shout out to the colorblind casting of Hamilton and their sold out run into the Fall.

There are more examples I could mention, but we have a whole month of awareness to get through. I sincerely wish the best for all of you. Don't allow the media to tell you your worth or lack thereof. Black, white, and every other ethnicity, we are all amazing. There's room for us all; don't allow the human manifestations of Scrooge McDuck and Foghorn Leghorn to erase you out of existence.

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*I don't know how idioms work, you guys. Help!