My Totally Biased 14 Best Albums of 2014

To be perfectly honest,
the music of 2014 paled in comparison
to the great works we received in 2013.
I mean, even Pharrell's album was a little lackluster.
Then again, so was Jay-Z's MCHG.

That said, some gems still managed
to shine past the bullshit.
So, once again, here are my picks for best albums.
I've listened to a lot this year, but not everything.
If you disagree or feel an album deserves some recognition,
hit up that comment section.

14. Mac Demarco - Salad Days

In his latest effort, Mac Demarco gives us synth and brooding lyrics for our dark days while delivering us hoppy guitar licks that make him sound like Jack Johnson's cooler little brother. Salad Days is a solid record that you can play through completely while riding around the city pretending Summer is still around. Also good for rooms you fill with smoke.

Hit Single:
Passing Out Pieces
Standout Tracks:
Brother
Chamber of Reflection



13. Spoon - They Want My Soul

With their 8th studio album, Spoon proves their longevity in an era that claims rock as we knew it is dying. Though this is admittedly my first experience with Spoon, if the sound of this album is like the band's previous work, the sound still works fantastically. The addition of Alex Fischel on keyboard and guitar truly helps round the group out.

Hit Single:
Do You
Standout Tracks:
Rainy Taxi
Knock Knock Knock



12. Ariana Grande - My Everything

As Mariah Carey's "youth" fades, Ariana Grande grows stronger. On My Everything, Ariana showcases her talent and auditions for America's Next Top Pop Diva. Overflowing with dance tracks featuring great rappers and producers, My Everything also provides ballads that allow our favorite Starbucks order to shine. Enjoy this when you want to belt pop songs alone in your room.

Hit Single:
Break Free [feat Zedd]
Standout Tracks:
Break Your Heart Right Back [feat Childish Gambino]
My Everything



11. Azealia Banks - Broke With Expensive Taste

Despite her problematic behavior on Twitter and during interviews, Azealia Banks released her highly anticipated debut album to positive reviews. Her lyrics hit hard over vogue and house beats as she continues to boast about herself. Although the album contains tracks she's released independently the past three years, it still provides a solid and enjoyable experience. Bad bitches do it.

Hit Single:
Chasing Time
Standout Tracks:
Gimme a Chance
Soda



10. St. Vincent - St. Vincent

If you desire songs about your place in the world with beats that'll make you shake a tail-feather, look no further than St. Vincent's self-titled record. The musicality of each track is throughly thought out to balance St. Vincent's dark lyrics with a sunny disposition. Slower tracks are no stranger here, either. Surprisingly, it makes for a great workout album as well.

Hit Single:
Birth in Reverse
Standout Tracks:
Rattlesnake
Regret



9. J. Cole - 2014 Forest Hills Drive

This December, everyone's favorite bedtime storyteller released an album that recaptured the fans he'd lost earlier in his career. No longer rapping exclusively about Sallie Mae (now Navient), J. Cole turns his attention to the events that followed Ferguson and reminisces on his time as a young'n in the late 90s/early 00s. J Cole has finally figured out how to be a conscious emcee that actually excites us.

Hit Single:
Apparently
Standout Tracks:
January 28th 
No Role Modelz



8. Nicki Minaj - The Pinkprint

Speaking of troubled rappers. When Nicki dropped "Pills'n'Potions" followed by "Anaconda," we all feared another troublesome album. However, the Pinkprint is anything but. While still attempting to appeal to 13 year old white girls and 32 year old trill n****s at the same, she does so with much more ease and grace. She also opens up and gets very personal. It's a nice change of pace for the current queen of hip-hop.

Hit Single:
Only [feat Drake, Lil Wayne, and Chris Brown]
Standout Tracks:
The Crying Game [feat Jessie Ware]
Favorite [feat Jeremih]



7. Jessie Ware - Tough Love

The phrase "sophomore slump" is not a word combination that computes to Jessie Ware. Tough Love is obviously about love that is tough, but who can't relate to that. The album gives us more of what we enjoy: touching lyrics and mid-tempo melodies. You can almost hear the nonchalant expression on Jessie's face in the studio as she hits a high note. Effortlessly good music is a rarity these days.

Hit Single:
Say You Love Me
Standout Tracks:
Cruel
Kind of...Sometimes...Maybe



6. Tune-Yards - Nikki Nack

It's true: Tune-Yards have a very distinct sound that can be very hard to listen to initially, but I promise it's worth it. Merrill Garbus' voice is unlike anything on this planet and her extremely conscious lyrics are the social commentary we need. It also doesn't hurt that half the songs are perfect for hipster dance parties, but don't let that deter you. This is the best "grower not a show-er" album of the year.

Hit Single:
Water Fountain
Standout Tracks:
Real Thing
Sink-O



5. D'Angelo & The Vanguard - Black Messiah

After 14.9 years, D'Angelo has returned to save us from repetitive R&B in the form of a killer jazz-fusion album. Though none of us can clearly understand everything he's saying, that's what RapGenius is for. The emotion still pours out of every song. The production is crisp. And the sound is something that was desperately missing from 2014. Put this on under the conversation of Ferguson that interrupted your Spades game.

Hit Single:
none (this is Jazz, b)
Standout Tracks:
Really Love
Prayer



4. Sylvan Esso - Sylvan Esso

This eponymous debut is a great album that distributed the wrong songs as singles - or at least in the wrong order. This synth duo lays out a solid album that takes you for a night ride. Singing about topics from street harassment to rough times in the city, you feel the grittiness in Amelia Meath's pleasant alto. With a couple more outstanding songs, Sylvan Esso could have easier been higher on this list.

Hit Single:
Hey Mami
Standout Tracks:
Wolf
H.S.K.T.



3. SBTRKT - Wonder Where We Land 

A very haunting but energetic record, Wonder Where We Land starts off with the title track featuring SBTRKT's musical-biffle Sampha. The album's transitions may be its highlight but far from its sole attraction. The production level may or may not be over 9000. With additional vocal assistance from Jessie Ware, Raury, and A$AP Ferg, Wonder Where We Land soars above the competition.

Hit Single:
New Dorp, New York [feat Ezra Koenig]
Standout Tracks:
Higher [feat Raury]
Gon Stay [feat Sampha]



2.  Sam Smith - In the Lonely Hour

Before he received comparisons to Adele (or accused of being Adele's drag king alter ego), In the Lonely Hour was my most anticipated album of 2014. Obviously by its position on the list, it did not disappoint. Featuring the voice of an angelic baby after its first pack of cigarettes, Sam lays down track after track of heartbreak through different scenarios. This is the "mass appeal" album of the year.

Hit Single:
Stay With Me
Standout Tracks:
I'm Not the Only One
Like I Can



1.  Fka twigs - lp1

It was a tight race with Sam Smith, but Fka twigs blew 2014 out of the water. Matching the eeriness of other albums on the list, Fka twigs invokes the same amount of emotion as Sam Smith but with more diversity in her sound. Hailing from Gloucestershire, England, Tahliah Barnett gained attention thanks to her enchanting sound with ep2 last year, featuring the tracks Water and Papi Pacify. With her debut album, she introduces a sound that critiques can't clearly label. It's more than R&B; it's more than electronic and trance; it's more than alternative. It's her sound completely. Fka will have you body rolling, voguing, and fighting back tears without hitting anything above mid-tempo. Featuring themes of passion, jealous, and longevity, the aptly named lp1 is the best experience of 2014.

Hit Single:
Two Weeks
Standout Tracks:
Lights On
Video Girl


Honorable Mentions:
Flying Lotus - You're Dead!
Perfume Genius - Too Bright
Sza - Z
Caribou - Our Love


Welp, there you have it.
Support these great records and buy them from your local retailer.
Word.

Poems to Distract You

Here's two poems with no name

that I'm presenting instead of blogging.

Look forward to another post this Thursday.

Til then, enjoy.

Here’s the truth

I did love you

False, I lusted after you

Words are hard for me

You know my public school education

Never taught me what television really meant

But I longed for you

Lesbians, L words, libations

I was drunk on you

Like spiked punch

While you kicked and pulled

Until you were free from my gaze

I was like an owl

My eyes full of you

You must have felt invaded

As I tried to land on you

But you let me fall

Allowing me to see the truth

And the floor up close and personal

But just like the old lady who bangs her ceiling at me

I’m over you

My imagination of you

Overshadowed the shallowness you stand ankle deep in

Your personality is Quasimodo’s face

And I know I’m exaggerating

But I have to

You must be demonized if I’m going to find

Someone like who I thought I knew

~~~~

I break your bubblegum machine!

You old fool.

You old abandoner.

I break your bubblegum machine!

You encourager of my childhood.

You man-child.

I break your bubblegum machine!

You comic book reader.

You comic book giver.

You comic book sharer.

You comic book hoarder.

I break your bubblegum machine!

You job loser.

You world shutter-outter.

I break your bubblegum machine!

You poor example setter.

You poor self-nourisher.

I break your bubblegum machine!

You mama’s boy.

You mama mourner.

I break your bubblegum machine!

You brother mourner.

You brother hoarder.

I break your bubblegum machine!

You non-consulter.

You family shutter-outter

I break your bubblegum machine!

You niece and nephew enrager.

You violence inducer.

CRASH!

I broke your bubblegum machine.

Word

Batman: World's Best Psychiatrist?

So, I was watching one of the best action cartoons of all time,
Batman: the Animated Series, on Amazon Prime last night
and I came across the episode "Baby Doll."
Allow me to recap it for you as your memory of it may be hazy.

The episode follows a former child actress
who has a physical condition that doesn't allow her to age.
Basically, she's stuck looking like a 5 year old.
As she grew older, she wanted more adult roles;
however, no one took her seriously because of her condition.
She also struggled with romantic relationships because of this.
Eventually she turns her frustrations into a life of crime
and ends up kidnapping her TV family.
By the end of the episode, Batman tracks her down
and they run into a funhouse of mirrors.
While Batman uses the darkness and mirrors to his advantage,
he allows BabyDoll to have her moment
as she sees what she should look like as an adult woman in a mirror.

She proceeds to breakdown shouting that nothing is real as she shoots every mirror attempting to kill Batman. "Why can't you just let me make-believe?" she asks. Then she comes back to her "adult" mirror and shoots the woman she will never look like.
She cries as she tries to shoot her gun, but alas no more bullets. At this time, Batman walks up to her and simply consoles her.
She hugs his legs and says, "I didn't mean to."
End episode.

Besides that being an emotional ass episode,
it made me realize something about Batman,
something I truly appreciated about that show as a kid.
For the majority of the series,
Batman wasn't out to kick the asses of the criminals in Gotham.
He was out to rehabilitate them.
Yes, sometimes force was necessary, but non-lethal force.
He knew that every criminal - from petty thief up to the Joker -
did what they did for a reason, no matter how twisted the reason may be.

The reason why Batman never kills the Joker is because
while pursuing him in his early criminal days,
the Joker (then the Red Hood) fell into a vat of chemicals
that changed his appearance and drove him insane.
Mr Freeze's end goal is usually building a world in which
he can rejoin his wife, who is terminally ill and cryogenically frozen.
Harley Quinn suffers from a case of severe Stockholm Syndrome
and is stuck in an abusive relationship with the Joker.
You're beginning to see the trend here.

I mean, come on.
That's why more than half of Batman's "nemeses" end up in Arkham Asylum.

I remember one episode of Batman: the Animated Series
where he visits a drug lord
and reveals to him how his ways have affected his son,
who had become addicted to his father's own supply.
The guy basically shut up shop after that.

Batman has no need to kill.
His goal is never to punish criminals;
it's to help them become successful members of society again.
Yes, he adopted the bat to scare his enemies,
but underneath the Dark Knight is a ray of light.

I totally understand why movie studios decided
to take Batman in a darker, more brutal direction.
But removing the camp stripped away his humanity in a way.
His only humane moment seemed to occur when he tried
to help Harvey Dent/TwoFace remain on the right path.
Or when he constantly tried to win Catwoman over to his side
instead of turning her in like the criminal she was.
Hmm... maybe they did manage to keep his humane side intact.

Man, if a guy like Batman can handle intense situations like
that without resorting to lethal violence,
I wonder why the standard police force in our country
can't be more tactful and understanding
while performing their civil duties?
The world may never know...
Word.

Black White Kids and White Black Kids

"New blacks" and select white people
have been under fire lately,
mostly for saying they live in a post-racial America
or that race isn't the problem.
As tweeter/blogger Crissle has said,
"Words mean things."
I understand what they might be trying to say,
but they're stating it in a completely false way.
Culturally, we may be heading towards a post-racial society,
but we are far from achieving it.

What I do believe is that the mixing of cultures
has affected today's youth in such a way
that they no longer sees divides among each other.
They feel free to be themselves, try new things, explore.
That's how you get black kids into goth or punk,
but they're not "real black."
That's how you get white kids trying to twerk and rap,
but they're "appropriating black culture."
[Do I think appropriating black culture is a thing? Yes.
Do I think most white people do it consciously? No.
Are managers and producers profiting off it? Absolutely.]

What I'm saying is I don't hate Miley Cyrus
for wanting to twerk with a big ass.
I don't think Macklemore and Iggy Azeala are the worst;
they're fans that think they're the only good rappers are.

For as long as I can remember,
black and white culture have been affecting me.
White people are always on TV and the radio,
so that's how they get to black kids.
But for a solid five years or so in the 2000s,
black recording artist ruled top of the Billboard charts.
At least 60% of the songs heard in clubs now
are either by black singers, rappers, or producers.
So it's no surprise that eventually white people
will like it and emulate it.

While we have Mac Miller in one corner,
we have Odd Future in the other.
We have FKA Twigs and the Weeknd
making music that is so different and Alternative,
but people often label them as R&B or "Alter-R&B."
Why do black singers always have to be R&B or Pop?
Look at Macy Gray.
If she isn't Alternative, I don't know what is.

It is clear to me that in 2014,
we have a melting pot of identities,
and my generation and younger
have not felt shy about switching it up.
Shit, a bunch of black teenagers in a metal band
were just signed to Sony and have a documentary in the works.

I know I've used music as sole reference in this post,
but to me, music is culture.
It's the most frequent influence in our lives.

We are a generation of just "trying to be ourselves."
Drake is a product of his environment.
Jaden Smith is a product of his environment.
Robin Thicke is a product if his environment.
(You know he had black nannies playing soul music;
that's how he ended up sounded like that.)

But as we become more integrated with each other,
it's important to remember we still have a long way to go
until we are all actually equals.
There are still old people, middle age people
stuck thinking in a way of oppression
that have taught their children to do the same.
That's why race is still an issue.
That's why he have to remind each other of what we are.
That's why we can't be blissfully ignorant.
Pretending to not see the problem is not dealing with the problem.
And that's why "Black-ish" is a terrible show.

I'm joking. I still haven't seen it.
[I will say I liked it better when it was called "My Wife and Kids."]
But a show like that will either help show how kids today are progressing,
or it'll be a mockery and sweep all of
Black America's real problems under the rug.

All this to say, let people be who they are
as long as they aren't hurting anyone or being offensive.
Be respectful to one another and help each other prosper.
You know, judge each other not "by the color of their skin,
but by the content of their character."
Word.

How to: Live in a City Without a License

As far back as I can remember,
I have never had a desire to drive a car.
A relative once told me that when I was 6,
someone left their car door open
and I tried to drive away in it.
I'm almost positive they were talking to the wrong nephew.

Between the poor skills I display at arcade racing games and my constant drowsiness as a passenger, I am spooked of the driver's seat.
Of course, I've been told that actually driving
is different from both of those experiences,
but you don't really cure someone's anxieties
by telling them "everything's going to be okay."

So as a 25 year old member of society
and an official two-year resident of Baltimore,
I feel authorized on how to help you
live in a city without the use of a personal vehicle.
Whether you're a scaredy cat like me
or you're just in between cars
because your old one was a piece of shit
and you don't have the funds/credit for a new one,
this guide is for you.


1) Work within a 7-mile radius of your place of residence
Listen, getting to work is a hassle when you have a car.
Now you have to figure out a way there,
and the less you have to travel, the better.
If you have the option or opportunity to work from home,
now would be the time to take it.
If not, it's time to move on to tip 2.


2) Become familiar with your city's bus system
Save the environment,
carpool with strangers near you!
The bus is not filled with scum;
the bus is full of your new friends.
Just don't talk to them,
they hate being bothered on the way to work.

If you live in a respectable city,
there will be a bus stop no less than 2 blocks from you.
With the help of the internet,
you can find whether that bus will take you directly to your destination
or if you'll have to get off at some point and transfer to another bus.
While switching buses can be annoying, it's not much trouble...
as long as the busses are on time,
which if you're in any respectable city they won't be.
Just learn the CPTimes of your bus and have change handy, you'll be fine.
If you still find taking the bus beneath you,
move on to tip 3.


3) Live with or date a person with a car
When carless, the more roommates the better!
Shift your begging as frequently as possible
so that one person alone isn't burdened
by your inability to navigate the road alone.
This should work well if you roommates
have similar schedules to yours.

If you happen to be living with a jerk
or other carless freaks,
it's time to latch on to a stranger with a car.
Hopefully you're good a dating,
keeping a person interested,
and having them sleep at your place all the time,
because you will need the skills.
Don't make it seem like they're your chauffeur
in exchange for rent money;
it should be more like in-house bartering.
Eventually, however, like all lousy couples,
you will break up and have to find a new way of getting around.
Well, that's why there are more tips, friend.


4) Befriend a Lyft/Uber driver
Don't take taxis/cabs.
They've been known to rip decent folk off
with their perilous "flat rates."
Be a true citizen of the 21st century
and help gentrify the neighbor with Lyft and Uber drivers.
With use of the app, you can see who's picking you up,
their ETA, and what kind of fancy car they drive.
That's right, no more mystery cab smells for you!
Sometimes the drivers even have candy!!!
And their rates aren't too shabby either.
However, if you don't trust strangers
in 1-on-1 situations, perhaps this next tip will do the trick.


5) If available, use Citibike and/or Zipcar
Have a license but no car? Use Zipcar.
You rent it for an hour, a day, park it back
in a Zipcar location, and you're done.
No license but like exercise? Use Citibike.
Pedal your way across town and get there eventually.
Don't know how to ride a bike?
Neither of these services are available in your town?
Well... uh...


6) Become comfortable spending time at home 
Who needs a social life, right?
Home is where the heart is
and home is where you'll stay.
Because, let's face it,
you're not gonna walk somewhere.
What is this, 1920?
Who are you, your grandparents?

No, just relax at home.
You're in the city.
There's a liquor store down the street
and Netflix calling your name.
If you still crave human interaction,
this would be a good time to test how popular you are
and see if you can get people to come to you.
Then, shit, seems like you just got a new chauffeur.
Word.

Morality Role Call

There's a lot of malarkey and tomfoolery afoot this week,
so I'm going attempt to address as much of it as possible
without out rambling, ranting, or turning this into a "thinkpiece."

In the past few weeks,
I've noticed majority holders (whites/straights/men)
look at for the "How" in problems.
How did the officer get away with shooting an unarmed man?
How did those nudes get leaked?
How did she get raped?

I'm not sure if it's true for all minorities,
but I prefer to look for the "Why."
Why did the officer shoot an unarmed black man?
Why did someone leak this celebrities nudes?
Why did she get raped?
I'm a firm believer that asking why attacks problems at their root.
If we understand why things are happening,
we can recognize these problems before they even occur
and address them properly like the civilized society we claim to be.

For instance, while it is important to reprimand the police force
for abuse of power and find ways to stop them from doing so again,
why do they feel they can abuse their power?
Why do they feel it's appropriate to target people of color?
Why do they think they can get away with murder
with no proof of justification?
Why must black children be told to not draw attention to themselves
and not give the police a reason to stop them
instead of being able to trust those placed there to "protect" them?
These are but a few of the root questions that need to be addressed
in not only the Michael Brown case, but every case
that has featured the unjust killing or arrest of a person of color.
Because this shit happens too frequently
in all parts of this country for this to be coincidence.

Recently, a few celebrities' nude photographs were leaked,
the most notable celebrity being Jennifer Lawrence.
For some reason, people began throwing shame at JLaw.
(Or, if you're a simplistic man, you just locked yourself away for an hour.)
But why? Why do people care that much?
Ms. Lawrence took those pictures in privacy,
for her pleasure and whomever they were taken for.
She didn't leak her own pictures.
She and many others were hacked. [Damn iCloud.]
Shame the hackers. Shame those that seek to exploit her.
Shame those that share the pictures without her permission.
Slut shaming needs to stop.
A person has a right to do with their body as they please.
If you're going to call them anything,
call them promiscuous or comfortable in their own skin.

Along the same lines,
rape is not funny.
It is also not the victim's fault.
Why are women told not to dress so "provocatively?"
Why are men not instructed to behave themselves,
take no for an answer, and not rape anyone?
The old way only suggests: "Don't be the one rape; let it happen to that other girl."
And why are male rape victims told to man-up and keep quiet?
That's a whole different issue about masculinity that I don't have steam for.

It's very obvious that I don't have all of the answers.
But I am willing to ask all of the questions
in the hopes of building a better society and making people think.
America likes to think ourselves better than other countries,
but a few of those "bad guys" just scolded us
for the inhuman treatment of the folks in Ferguson.

Listen, I know you want to think the United States only has a few problems,
but it has many. Some problems you might not even grasp fully.
But if you choose to ignore those problems
instead of learning about them, you're part of the problem.
I repeat, you're part of the problem.
Be a better person than our parents and grandparents.
Stand up for others' rights and protection in this country.
It's the moral thing to do.
Word.

Far Away from a College Computer Lab (The Reboot)

This is my first post since I've turned 25.
I started this blog when I was 19.
I'm obviously in a very different spot in my life.
This blog was initially a way for me to get out
my opinions or to vent about frustrating situations
because I didn't know how to vocalize them.

Somehow, I've become a talkative person
(as long as I have two good friends around me).
I rarely hold back my tongue unless I need to respect someone.
It's a odd sensation that not even
a 21 year-old Charles could have seen coming.

As I became more outspoken, the less I blogged.
I joked last year on April Fool's Day
that the Wacko Monologues had reached its last chapter.
In a way it had, and all the posts that followed were just epilogues.

But, as per usual, whenever my blog is absent for too long,
friends I haven't talked to in months
- friends I didn't even know read this thing -
told me how nice it was, complimenting me on my style.
My ego is a very easy thing to stroke.

In the past year, I've watch various college colleagues
prosper online and beyond:
be it through self-starts, established blogs, or poetry readings.
While I have been working on my own secret projects,
I feel as if I've been absent for too long.
I want to throw my hat back in the ring.
I want to reestablish my brand.
I want to remain relevant.
The ego-thing comes back into play.

Consider this a reboot of the Wacko Monologues.
It may pertain less to my personal life,
but reporting on issues or hot topics
won't be without my somehow sought after insight.
While I will attempt to withhold my creative writing,
there's no doubt I'll self-publish a few scribblings.
I've never been patient enough for major publications.
And if you're wondering [you probably aren't]
what happened to my 101 Tasks in 1001 Days...
I never finished. I honestly forgot about it myself.
But if - nay, when - I complete another task,
I'll still write about it.
Who knows, maybe I can get
a book published in the next year [task 4].

So, when can you expect new posts?
Every Tuesday at 2pm on the dot.
Will I actually keep up with this schedule?
I plan on it. I work from home; I have no excuse.
Will there ever be blogs on other days?
If I feel so compelled, yes. I'm still beating myself up
for missing the majority of the Michael Brown coverage.
But tensions are still hot from the following events,
so I'll end up writing about it eventually.
Will you still sign out of each post like you used to?
I don't see why not.

Word.

The Debut of Nia Salem

It started off as a bet.
No, a dare.
A blood-oath!
Okay, it was more of a brainwashing obsession.

Years ago, before there was such a phrase as "It Get Better," a semi-popular 90s talk show host
received the opportunity to create a new reality show.
Well, not so new that it wouldn't be compared to America's Next Top Model,
but so good that it would surpass its relevancy in the queer community.
This show, of course, is RuPaul's Drag Race.

With each passing season,
the show has gained notoriety,
from gay and straight fans alike.
The transformation of a man into a woman
really seems to intrigue straight audiences,
the straights in my house being no exception.
In fact, a fantasy league was created
for the season this year.
But when that finished,
and only the finals were left for us to watch
- the Superbowl of Drag, as some have called it -
there seemed to be a new energy in the house.

Within a week we planned our own drag night.
Yes, straight men and women, gays, and lesbians
all dressing as the opposite gender.
[The term for a woman dressed as a man is drag king.]
But we couldn't just make a night of it.
Like all things in our house,
it had to become a competition.
No prize. Just honor and glory.

I couldn't have been happier about it.
For two years, I've wanted to dress in drag
for Halloween or other costume parties.
Sadly, I never struck up the gull to try.
But with a group of us all trying it for the first time,
it was easy not to back out.
I mean, we had a month to prepare.

One week before the competition,
one of my roommates and I finally
managed to drag ourselves to the mall.
Procrastination isn't just a college sport.

Allow me to thank God for Payless Shoe Source,
because a size 12 footed man could only hope
to find a size 13 heel in a hopeless place.
I consider myself lucky to have had the option
between two pairs of basic heels.
My size 10 roommate, however,
was blessed with variety.
I loathed him so as he slipped his tiny foot
into a sparkly strapped heel.
My envy only subdued as I worried
what the cashier would think when we checked out.
That's when she walked up the aisle
and handed us a coupon for 20% off.
Needless to say, check out was judgment free.
She even threw in heel guards for a dollar.

Wig shopping was also fairly easy the next day.
My size 10 roommate found a small shop that sold $20 wigs.
$20 wigs, I know. They must have been so ratty.
And most of them were.
That's because the wig shop was actually a hair boutique,
but we found nice pieces to feminize our manly faces.
The owner only paused fixing a lady's updo
to receive payment and wish us a good day.

My shopping with size 10 ended there.
It turned out he already had a team (his high school friends)
helping him with padding, dress, and makeup.
If it hadn't been clear before,
it was obvious he, nay, she - Cherry (Aki) Chopstick -
would be my greatest rival, the Gray Oak to my Ash Ketchum.

Cherry is his drag name, if you hadn't figured it out.
Drag names are occasionally puns,
because puns are a drag queen's best friend.
However, my drag name is just Nia Salem.
I actually created the name in my teens a year after my other alter egos
because I felt a need to add a female character in the bunch.
Nia came from Nia Long.
I was never really that big into her work, I just thought it was a cute name.
Salem (pronounce Sa-leem) came out of nowhere as far as I can remember.
I think I just wanted it to be a pain to pronounce so I could correct people.

Four days before the competition
and I still only had a wig and shoes.
I looked at myself in the mirror and patted my gut.
A corset was definitely in order if I was gonna pull any look off.
I took to Amazon, found one that was my waist size,
and ordered it Prime, like the boss I am.
It arrived Friday.
Two days left.

When I woke up Saturday morning,
a look came to me.
I would wear one of my white collared shirts
under my corset with my bra exposed.
All I need was a skirt. And the bra.

My best friend was nice enough
to drive me back to the mall after she got off work.
I was foolish to wait until a Saturday.
H&M was swamped with basic bitches
far as the eye could see.
I didn't know how to approach any of the female clothing
without catching a bit of side eye.
I tired not to care, but social norms are hard to shake after 24 years.

Luckily, my friend noticed me panicking
and led me to Forever 21 across the hall.
As a man, I have never stepped into Forever 21.
The amount of linen pantsuits I saw was ridiculous.
Is that the hot new trend?
If so, it's gonna be an interesting summer in Baltimore.
But among all the pantsuits,
a dress I mistook as a skirt caught my eye,
which my friend informed me I could fold it into a skirt.
After agreeing an extra large was right for me
and awkwardly trying on a large bra over my clothes,
we headed to the register.
My luck continued as we found
enough makeup to beat my face with
while waiting in line.
I never realized Forever 21 was the Walmart of women shopping.
When we reached the front of the line,
my friend pretended the items were hers
as I paid for it, posing as her boyfriend or sugar daddy.
I prefer sugar daddy.
She's a good friend.

While a good friend, she did not want to compete as a man.
She preferred to be a drag queen because it was "more fun."
I couldn't dispute her.
However, by Saturday night, three competitors backed out.
Either because work was too hectic that they didn't have time to prepare
or they just wouldn't have their materials ready.
Clearly, they were disappointments,
but in the end, it just meant fewer people to take down.

Finally, Sunday arrived.

I shaved my body.
I looked like a baby without my fur,
but it was all in the name of drag.
Applying my own makeup was actually the best part of dolling up.
I felt like my face was an art project.
Did I use too much bronzer to cover up my five o'clock shadow?
Probably.
Was the white line down the bridge of my nose too noticeable?
Absolutely.
Was my eye makeup heavy?
Duh, I was becoming a drag queen.
Clown realness is the name of the game.
Did I make myself proud?
Ya damn right.



I was the last contestant to walk downstairs,
but that's how a lady makes an entrance.
I turned the corner to find my fellow drags in the "green room."
Two drag kings, three drags queens, and me.
Cherry Chopstick gagged when she saw me.
I was happy to hear her admit she liked my outfit better than her own,
but I knew she still planned to take me down.

There were three challenges that night:
1) The Runway
2) The Dating Game
3) The Lip Sync
Scoring would be left up to the audience,
a crowd of our friends and family.

Because the order was alphabetical,
I would be the last to perform in the first and last challenges.
Perfect if you ask me.
I was hoping to close the show.

I have no idea how good or bad any of the other drags' runway went,
but when I exited the "green room" to walk that catwalk,
I turned it out.
I stomped the ground with a vengeance
and dropped it low at the edge of the stage
as Yonce by Beyonce played.
I slayed.

The Dating Game was my downfall though.
Thinking on the spot to answer dating questions
with witty responses and puns can be challenging.
I held my own, and made the crowd laugh,
but Cherry clearly had the advantage.
I went backstage knowing she was likely in the lead.

With only the lip sync left,
I knew it was it time to turn it up.
Whether the performers ahead of me were good or not,
all that mattered was that I close the show out right.
So when Damaged by Danity Kane played for me,
I gave it my all.
So must sweat.
But I knew when it was all said and done,
I impressed them enough.

It took our host a while to tally up all the scores,
so all six drag kings and queens danced
to one last RuPaul song before the winner was announced.
In third place was Billie Holidaze, one of the drag kings.
The fourth through sixth placers were announced,
leaving only Cherry Chopstick and myself.
Only 3 points separated the winner from second place.
We held each others hands in true pageant style.
......

And yes, I won!
I couldn't have been happier.
Well, I would have been happier had I beat Cherry by a larger lead,
but there's always next time.
Because there will most likely be a next time.
Too many people were upset they missed their opportunity for us not to do another.
Besides, I own heels, wig, and a set up makeup now.
I can't just lay Nia Salem to rest.
Word.