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| source: dreamstime.com |
🎵 Am I the only writer that still cares about a blog post? 🎵
I swear I'm not trying to blow you; I just need to clear the dust off this thing.
No promises, just vibes. Can you believe it's been exactly 15 years since my very first Wacko Monologue on this day and three years since my last earnest post? I mean, sure, I've kept up with my yearly album reviews and posted a few rough drafts, but I haven't addressed you directly since I came here whining about all the men I've lusted after. Breaking news: I'm still out here being a simp, son.
I've been... surprisingly regular during these winter months, but still nothing steady. That's... I may or may not explore my heated fellowship [word to Durand Bernarr] patterns in a later post, but for now I'm here to complain about being single and not knowing what I want.
About a month ago during a work training, I came across another black gay - as I often do in my line of work. He was slim, goatee'd, a cute cardigan'n'shirt wearing nerd. It was like watching someone cosplay my college persona but in his late 30s. He looked like he had his shit together. Twas a very relatable queer moment of "do I want to fuck him or be him?" As with most gays, the answer was both. Later during the training, I had the pleasure of roleplaying a scenario with him, allowing me to learn he was from out of town and partnered. (Not like the latter has stopped me before, but again, that's a post for another time.)
To my close friends and associates, my infatuation with this man may be surprising given my track record of artistic, autistic, skinny white men with talent and varying levels of emotional availability, but I'll insist into I'm blue in the face that 🎵 I AIN'T GOT NO TYPE, BAD BITCHES IS THE ONLY THING THAT I LIKE🎵 Well, okay, maybe's that's not true. While I'm open and willing to try almost anything, if I'm going to try to lock someone down, I've realized I'm constantly looking for either a Cardigan Wearing Tamer or a Crust Punk?
Was it a crust punk, per se? If you were to ask me, it's a guy who's a little alternative, definitely rough around the edges, fun to be around, and maybe a lil smelly but not to the point that it's a problem in public. A fixer-upper in a way, but not completely. My longest relationship definitely fit this description, and we had an amazing time. It only ended because I realized he wasn't someone to fix and his pessimism was just who the world nurtured him into.
If I'm being honest with myself, I'm a Crust Punk sun, Cardigan Wearing Tamer moon, Indecisive rising. I contain multitudes, but I'm immediately drawn to those I can be a hooligan with. Yet I crave to fix people... or have them fix me. Okay, fix isn't the right word; let's say motivate. Compatibility and enrichment shouldn't be mutually exclusive, so why do I feel as if they are?
Let's rewind a little bit: apparently I want to be motivated but I also yearn to be the motivator. Clearly, I know I could be a better, more functional, more "adult" person, but that's lame and I don't wanna do that. Do I have to become what I desire in order to attract it? Or can I find someone to grow and mature with at my rapidly increasing BIG age.
There are two things I know for certain at this moment: I don't have the answers and I want a man who can do both. I want a crust punk with makes decent money and knows how to clean up. We share interests while having new shows and hobbies for each other to try. And most importantly, we push each other.
Though, can one person be everything? If I'm honest, I've dreamt of and perhaps unknowingly tailored myself to become a third for another couple. Being a guest star could mean I pop in and out as I please, or there's the possibility I could become completely folded into their lives. Many call it messy, and sure it's work, but I've seen successful non-monogamous relationships - rather the third be linked to both or just one partner. But who's to say I can't craft that sort of dynamic from scratch? I could find a cardigan wearing husband and pick up an unpredictable crust punk boyfriend along the way. Don't call me greedy; I'm just problem solving.
As an aspiring daddy - or rather fulfilling the role that was prescribed to me in my mid 20s - I barely provide financial stability for myself, yet alone others. (Though, this may be more of a Millennial v Boomer issue than individual problem.) I also failed to push the creative muses in my life to pursue their passions, likely because I had issues motivating myself. I'm proud to say I'm moving in better directions in both avenues, recently being promoted (as small as it was) and nearly finishing a project with support/applause from multiple close friends. Maybe this preparation will allow me to fully embrace the opportunities to come.
That said, if you know any artsy guys looking for someone to share responsibilities, please send them this as my CV. Having a direct referral works better than online submissions in all aspects of life. Just act fast. Knowing me, I'll return to my fuckboi ways soon. Unless they're interested in the Hotation to Main Ho fast track. Also willing to apply myself.
Word.
