Today on Maury...

These past few weeks
I have become completely fascinated by Maury.
It just amazes me how many paternity tests
they show can go through
and still keep me entertained.
That, my friends [and associates], is good TV.

However,
even though are multiple different stories that make their way to the Maury stage, there's still one I'm dying to see.
So instead of waiting for it,
I wrote a segment of my own.
I mean, come on.
I'm sure some of the people on that show are actors,
or at least I pray they are.
Otherwise, lawd have mercy.

Anyway, without further adieu, here it is.


Maury- This is Tabitha. (camera pans to a stone faced 20-something black woman) This is Gerbernisha, Tabitha's 3 month year old daughter. (chubby black baby with her tongue out, eyes closed, and a poof of nappy hair on her head appears on the screen behind Maury; the crowd "aaaw"s) And this is Jericho, the man Tabitha says is her child's baby daddy. (a skinny black man with a jean jacket and no shirt splits the screen with the child)

Tabitha- You damn right Maury, he da baby daddy. My lil gurl look jus' like him!

Maury- But he's the twist. Jericho's gay. (crowd is shocked)

Tabitha- He ain't gay. He was all in this pussy a year ago!

Maury- Why don't you tell us what happened? How did you end up sleeping with a gay man?

Tabitha- Well, Maury, Jericho had been my best friend since high school and he been in the closet. Well when we went to college he wanted me to pretend to be his gurlfriend so nobody would think he was gay. So I did. Then one night, Maury, we got drunk and he decided to jump up on this. A week later, Maury, I found out I was pregnant. Soon as I told that n***a he just wanna have nothin to do wit me! He wasn't even there when da baby was born, Maury! He a f**kin deadbeat!

Maury- I see. Well why don't we just bring the deadbeat out? Jericho, come on out.

(Jericho sashays out as the crowd boos)

Jericho- Wateva, wateva. Ya'll just mad cause I look fabulous and ya'll look like trash. Hey, Maury. (Maury sticks his hand out for a handshake; Jericho provides a passionate hug instead) How you doin? ...Ugh. Hi, Tabby.

Tabitha- N***a, you know that's your daughter! You betta step up and take care of yours! I don't care if you gay, bi, straight. Whateva. You gon' pay me!

Maury- Jericho, why are you denying Gerbernisha?

Jericho- Well for one, Maury, look at her name? Gerbernisha?

Tabitha- She gonna be the best Gerber baby eva. Just ya'll watch. (she turns to the screen) Yes you are, baybay. Yes you are.

Jericho- Second of all, Maury, yes I had sex with her, but I couldn't even get it up.

Tabitha- You lyin!

Jericho- Maury, I like boys! Pussy is scary, Maury. I took one look at that shit and almost fainted. I turned her around and hit it from the back. That's the only way I could get through it.

Maury- Why'd you even do it in the first place?

Jericho- I was drunk and horny, Maury. S**t happens.

Tabitha- Yeah, babies happen too, idiot. (crowd cheers)

Maury- Why is she saying you're the father, then? Do you think it's someone else?

Jericho- I don't know, Maury. I guess she just obsessed with me.

Tabitha- Obsessed?! Oh, I'mma show you obsessed. (she gets up to fight him. Jericho stands up and take his earrings out)

Jericho- What, bitch! I'm gay; I ain't afraid to hit no girl.

(security restrains both guests)

Tabitha- You lucky I ain't tryna act a damn fool in front'a Maury.

Jericho- Yeah wateva, bitch.

Maury- Jericho, I understand you brought someone here with you.

Jericho- That's right, Maury. My man is in the audience. Tyrone, stand up, girl!

(Tyrone stands up in the front of the audience and waves with all his fabulousness)

Tyrone- Maury, the only reason why that fag hag is claiming that baby is his is because she always loved him and could never have him! He's mines, bitch. Leave him alone!

(Tabitha launches toward Tyrone but two guards catch her, her hand nearly clawing his face)

Tyrone- Sit yo ass down, ho.

Maury- Jericho, do you want kids?

Jericho- Yas, Maury. I do.

Maury- So why are you denying this child?

Jericho- Because I want a baby, Maury, but not with her. I'm am ova her like no other.

Tabitha- (her hand in her head, hair a mess) Maury, can you just read the results. These faggot ass niggas is givin me a headache.

Maury- We just so happen to have the results ready. (producer hands results to Maury; crowd cheers) Before I open this I need to know, Jericho, if this baby is yours are you gonna take care of it?

Jericho- Yes, Maury. Of course. But from a distance. I'mma need someone other than her to drop the baby off at my house.

Tabitha- F**k you!

Jericho- You wish, bitch.

Maury- Jericho, in the case of Gerbernisha, you... are the father.

Tabitha- I told you!

Jericho- Naw, Maury. Naw. Bring out the real results!

Maury- These are the real results.

Tabitha- I told you you hit it from the front. Ooow!!! (hits her dougie)

Jericho- I can't, chile. Ugh! (storms off the stage)

(camera pans to Gerbernisha, she stares blankly at the camera with piercing black eyes.)


Word.