So You're 22 Now...

Having just turned 22 less than a month ago,
I find myself faced with the same problem day after day:
I keep seeing teenagers on the street and follow them with my eyes.
Eventually I'm gonna land myself in trouble.

I mean, I won't lie.
I often find myself still thinking like a teenager:
thinking in the moment, worrying about the future when it comes.
Something like that is hard to break out of
when you don't pay the majority of your own bills.

To me, liking a 17 year old when I was 20 seemed totally acceptable.
...not that I ever actually did it.
I'm just saying, I wouldn't have stopped myself.
It's only an age difference of three years,
and they'd be legal soon enough.
But now that I'm 22 (and back in Newark),
I find myself looking at 15 year olds,
and I instantly feel like a creep, a pedophile [pronounced in an English accent].

How the hell did I get older
and shoot for even younger suitors?
I can't even begin to comprehend this mess.
Usually, I like to go for older peeps.
That way I feel as if they're in charge.
[You should be seeing a trend by now.]
I suppose I've been eyeing teenagers lately because
1) I'm used to not worry about a person's age after living on a college campus for so long and
2) the lust for youth and irresponsibility still calls out to me in the dead of night.

22. Do you know how old I feel when I say that to myself?
Like I'm fuckin 30. Oh lawd, I'm going to be 30 someday.
See, that's it!
22, it means the rest of your life you have nothing to look forward to but your body breaking down, losing friends (between arguments, lost connections, and death), year after year of work, bills, a shitty economy, possibly no social security or retirement.
The shit is daunting, man.
What I wouldn't give to be 21 again.

Actually in retrospect, living on this earth as a 21 year old was very shitty.
I thought that was supposed to be my best year ever.
I think... I think that's it.
I was promised such fantastic times during my high school and college years,
but I've realized they were either terrible or wasted.

But, I have to remind myself that there's no way to go back.
I have to just learn from the shitty mess I've made of certain circumstances
and be ready for the ride that life has planned for me.
I mean, the bitch only moves forward.

So, here's to fucking the anxiety of becoming an old geezer.
Here's to welcoming the responsibilities of the world,
no matter how unwelcome they are.
May we venture forward together, helping each other along the way.
For alone, we may become overcome with depression.
Word.

P.S. If you're 18 and interested, hit a brother up.
P.S.S. I'm not serious.