And the President of 2020 is...

And now, another actual monologue from my upcoming show You're Not My Step-Mother and You Never Will Be! coming to a stage near you this Neveruary.

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Listen, I love Kanye, adore him. He's a mastermind. Music as we know it wouldn't be what it is without him. So imagine what the States will be like if he actually runs for president in 2020. The entire world would never be the same!

Now, I hear you. Why would we want Kim Kardashian-West as our First Lady? Well, I'm personally hoping he divorces her, but don't allow her to dissuade you the same way Sarah Palin did. We can work around that package deal. I mean, wouldn't it be everything to have North and Saint West as the First Children. [gasp] Jay-Z could remix My President is Black again!

Stop giving me those crazy eyes! Yes, future President West is nuts. Bonkers. He's come after people when they weren't talking about him or his family. He's messed around with supporting Cosby. But look what he's been through. Such humble beginnings as an aspiring producer and rapper from the south side of Chicago. He made his way unto the Roc-A-Fella team. He survived a car crash that could have taken his life away. He survived the emotional trauma of his mother passing. He's almost done surviving his breakup with Amber Rose. No matter how big he gets, he's still an underdog. You want him to stay in his lane; the fashion industry wants him to stay in his lane. And granted, his latest collection seems like a ripoff, but that's the true sign of a businessman and mogul. He's literally doing better than selling water to a whale*.

All I'm saying is, I want Kanye to win more. He inspired me in high school. I wanted to be Kanye. In some ways I still do; I aspire to his levels of confidence and success. I want to see him go as far as possible. Because the farther he goes, the farther I can go. He's paving the way, and I shall follow him until I can make a path of my own!

That's how you sound when you talk about Trump, Trisha. Don't lie, you love his "humble" beginnings, too. You think if Trump can be as irreverent as he's been, as racist and unapologetic as he's been and succeed to the highest office in the land, so can you. You're pushing a man you know would be terrible for this country because you believe things will start going your way. He's convinced you to buy into his brand. He's spent close to two decades brainwashing you between all his scandals and time on television. And yes, he's entertaining. Damn, is he entertaining, but in the same way Jafar is entertaining, Trisha. In the same way that got Dubba Bush re-elected, Trisha. I'm sorry, but I just can't support that. Separate the character from the gotdamn person!

And if all you took away from this conversation is that I would actually want Kanye West to be my president, then you're denser than I thought.


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Previews start in my living room next month.


Word


*Jay-Z lyric from U Don't Know, Blueprint 1 era