Touch and Me

I'm not a very touchy person. Ask my friends; I give horrible hugs: leaving room for the holy spirit, never lingering for more than two seconds, occasionally hover handing. If I'm forced to hug outside my set parameters, best believe I'm squirming internally. If you're in my mental top 8, I probably won't touch you at all. We have an understanding deeper than physical contact.

It's hard to say where or when my aversion of touching originated. My family hugged me as a child, occasional kisses on the cheek, but my developing mind didn't think it was enough. Perhaps I watched too much Full House and Family Matters. Actually, I think I can pinpoint one factor. When I was four, I tried to kiss a girl on the playground and she slapped me. That was the day I also learned consent.

For the most part, I have no problem poking friends if I'm trying to crack a joke or make them uncomfortable. We all know I have no problem touching white people's hair. I just really prefer if they not return the favor. That definitely makes me a hypocrite, but my higher power is working on me. I honestly feel goosebumps popping up as I type (though it could just be the wind passing through my house).

Being so unfamiliar with touch in general, I'm able to take even the lightest brush against my shoulder the wrong way. In my mind, if you lay a finger on me, you either want to fight or make out. Obviously I know this isn't true, but you won't believe how long it took me to get rid of that black and white way of thinking. It's definitely gotten me in trouble plenty a nights in college. I'm honestly surprised I was never beat up.

There's a decent chance my preference is a result of my own psyche. Though I'm more open (especially through writing), I'm still a fairly guarded person. I won't come out and say certain things unless you ask the right question. Multiple walls and locks have been strategically placed in order to keep others at arm's reach. Perhaps I'm enclosed in a bubble like Jake Gyllenhaal so I don't fall apart on impact with another human being. But what if much like his character, I had been lied to. What if letting people close to you does more good than harm? Being vulnerable is gross, but perhaps it's necessary so you don't end up destroying yourself.

By no means is this an invitation to touch me at your disposal! However, I will be more open to natural interaction and won't spin move out of the way when you try to rest your hand on my shoulder. May my next group hug be the warmest feeling I've ever known.

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