Follicly Challenged

If you're my friend - and I mean my friend - then you know how I tend to study people. If I'm not talking, chances are I'm taking notes on you. I'm not being critical; it's just my way of noticing differences and evolutions. For some reason, balding has been on my mind lately.

With two bald grandfathers, I know the grim reaper is coming for my hair follicles.* But rather than stress, I'm enjoying my hair while I can. Just this past year I let my hair grow so long it reached the tip of my nose; I only cut it because it was annoying to manage. Now I'm constantly reminded of my cowlick that occasionally freaks me out. But enough about me, I'm boring. This is about my friends and how they graciously deal with hair loss.

Buford

Vegeta of DBZ fame

Buford is extremely worried about balding. Buford has a full head of hair, good hair at that. However, he's aware of the Vegeta-shaped tragedy that befalls many white men and worries a dagger of a hairline may prohibit him from the roles he yearns for. He is a man of the stage, after all, and unfortunately looks can make or break you. Luckily for him, he is wise beyond his years and started his hair growth regimen before any noticeable damage has been done. But if for some reason his lines of defense fail him, Buford can hold comfort in knowing that a shaved head suits him just fine.

Lamar
Lamar has been facing his ever-growing forehead since he was allowed to vote. The change has been gradual, and if you've been around him through the years you might hardly notice. Then Facebook presents a picture from six years ago as an "On This Day" notification and suddenly you have a frame of reference. It won't be long before Lamar hits 30 and sports the George Jefferson. Though he occasionally frets about it, he finds solace as a black man with a presentable face and full beard. It's only a matter of time until he opts for the Boris Kudjoe**, and I wait with bated breath for that day.

Calvin
Depending on the sun's position, you may have never noticed Calvin's hair. Not necessarily for the lack thereof, but because of its shiny blond nature. Also for the lack thereof. In recent years, Calvin has decided to keep his hair short, buzzcut short. I revel in his decision, for Calvin is one of the few white men I will allow to black in my hair as long as I may stroke his peach-fuzz like scalp. It's a rather calming sensation. I recommend you all find a confident balding blond man and do the same. May Calvin's hair never fully retreat from him.

Wallace
The award for my baldest friend goes to Wallace. Wallace went bald at a young age. Rumor has it he was one of the unfortunates who experienced hair lost in high school. Why would fate be so cruel as to leave such a promising young man so unblessed? Luckily, my young friend has a quick wit and is a master of deflection - skills one can only assume grew stronger the balder Wallace became. I've seen Wallace come for Lamar's hairline on numerous occasion in the wake of his non-existent one without a single comment on it. It is perhaps how unashamed he is that makes him immune to such jokes, much like a small chested woman who wears v-necks isn't bother by the term "itty-bitty titty committee." Of all my friends, I wish to bald with Wallace's grace.

Of course there are more friends with receding hairlines, but those are tales much like my own: not worth telling until the climax. Until then, I hope my renamed friends had a good laugh about this. I salute you all for your bravery. And remember, grease your scalps regularly.


Word.


*See "Man Seeking Woman" EP203. Great show, highly recommend.
**

Mmm, gotdamn gotdamn gotdamn