Gay, Black Man or Black, Gay Man

We all get categorized;
it's hard to help it.
Often society will place labels on us,
but what do we see ourselves as?

This is a question I've been asking myself for a while.

In all honesty,
it seems like I've been focusing more on the gay aspect
of my personality than the black side.

Of course I still make black jokes.
I wouldn't be me if I didn't.
And I still occasionally talk about black issues.
But if you've noticed, besides the Hip Hop Blocks,
I haven't talked much about them on the blog in a while.
I've taken this as a sign that I've become a bit more comfortable
with the differences between blacks and whites.
After 3 and a half years at a predominately white institution,
I would hope I've learned how to feel comfortable around them.

Am I completely at home around them? No.
But I think I starting to feel more displaced because of my sexuality.

In a recent tweet I said, "Sometimes I forget how heterosexual the world actually is."
I do. I often get lost in my own mind,
thinking about boys like the horny young homo I am.
Then I get snapped back to reality when my guy friends start talking about girls,
or when one of them uses the word gay or fag,
something I hardly minded before.
I guess I've just been noticing more of the prejudice against gay people lately.

On campus, I have my black friends and my white friends,
my guy friends and my lady friends.
I don't have my straight friends and my gay friends (unless you count Theatre kids).
For some reason,
I've found it difficult to relate to other gay guys.
One of the main reasons being I find myself always attracted to them in some degree,
mostly because I know they're gay and I figure why not try.
When you crush on as many straight guys as I do, you'd probably feel the same.
So, because of this, I don't have anyone to talk to about gay things.
At times my female friends, both straight and lesbian, will listen,
but on the same accord, I still don't feel like I can completely relate to them.

I won't even get into the whole difference between black and white gays.
That's a topic for another post.

At times, it even seems like black and gay are opposites,
in which I have to ask myself where my alliance lies.
I've always known I was black; I have roots and history in it.
I only realized I was gay 5 years ago.
I don't even know where to start to look as far as gay history and struggles.
It's all so brand new to me.
That's why I've become so much more fascinated  and invested in it.
Yet, it still feels like a constant battle to determine what part of me I express more.

I often tone down my "gay side" when I'm around people
I don't think will like it or make fun of me for it.
It's like I step back in the closet a little.
I just want to be able to talk about who I like freely,
dance around and so off feminine tendencies.
I just don't know how to act around people anymore.

Sigh.

No real outlet about anything will make you think about it endlessly.
...and this, my dear friends [and associates], is why I blog.
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