My Totally Biased 15 Best Albums of 2015

Another year, another top albums countdown. 2015 has been a productive and lucrative year for many artists across the genres. While it may not be overly represented on my list, hip hop came back in a strong way, with most albums earning my favor. However, I love a good mix, and I think that's represented here.

This list will not include any mixtapes, EPs, or side projects like years prior, but you can browse through my separate post about them here. As always, I listened to plenty this year but not everything. If you disagree with my ranking or feel as if I short changed an album, add to my ego and rant in the comment section. A good list should always promote conversation.

15) The Game's Documentary 2.0
Release Date: October 9

After dropping an album almost no one cared about in 2012, I ruled The Game out of the industry. It wasn't until a month after the Documentary 2.0 released that I bothered to give it a listen. Let me tell you, I bopped the whole way through. It's been a while since New York has been the center of hip hop, and The Game is here to help Cali takes its place. Though the Documentary 2.0 is littered with features from the likes of Kendrick Lamar to Future to Q-Tip to Snoop Dogg, The Game keeps up and occasionally surpasses his collaborators. The production is nostalgic of albums from the mid-00s with samples from artists that influenced Mr. Taylor himself. It's the perfect album to restore your faith in hip-hop and in artists you thought would never be great again.

Hit Single:
100 [feat Drake]
Standout Tracks:
On Me [feat Kendrick Lamar]
Circles [feat Q-Tip, Eric Bellinger & Sha Sha]

14) Tobias Jesso Jr's Goon
Release Date: March 17

Hailing from North Vancouver, Tobias Jesso Jr delivers anything but a Goon of a record. Goon is more sweet and endearing than most other projects released this year, which is important because Jesso doesn't have the range many others in his field of possess. Although if you consider his field quiet, emotional rock, he's not too far behind. His timid nature calls to your inner loser high schooler as he sings about lost friendships and not being able to breathe without that one special person in his life. All the music is written and mostly played by Jesso himself, piano being an instrument he only picked up three years prior. He is clearly an accomplished musician making a name for himself with his first LP. Did I mention he also wrote a song with Adele on her new album? Try and guess which one.

Hit Single:
How Could You Babe
Standout Tracks:
Without You
Crocodile Tears

13) Miguel's Wildheart 
Release Date: June 29

Wildheart is an album I originally dismissed over the summer. For some reason, it didn't capture me like I wanted it to. Over Autumn, I gave it another listen, and the fly-kicking musician soared back into my heart. Still wanting to be our generation's Prince to the Weeknd's MJ, Miguel has soul and vocals many other male R&B singers fail to produce. With this in mind, Wildheart makes for a great... late-night workout album, preferably with a partner but not excessively. Much like Prince, Miguel is able to dabble in the rock genre as well by putting his own spin on it. Lenny Kravitz adds his talents to the album, if you needed a co-signer. With three solid albums under his belt, Miguel should have no problem remaining relevant for the rest of the decade.

Hit Single:
Coffee
Standout Tracks:
the valley
Simple Things

12) Courtney Barnett's Sometimes I Sit and Think, and Sometimes I Just Sit
Release Date: March 20

Courtney Barnett is from Sydney, Australia, and you can tell because she mentions Vegemite on her debut album's opening track. Don't be fooled into thinking this is her first time at the rodeo, for she has not one but three EPs under her belt. With perhaps one of my favorite album titles of all time, Sometimes I Sit and Think, and Sometimes I Just Sit is a vehicle Ms. Barnett uses for her witty, deadpan humor. You will undoubtable chuckle at a few of her lyrics. Her rock is clear and purposeful. She knows she's not perfect, and she yearns for you to admit it, too. And you should, because her lyrics a globally relatable. Life is full of moments that make you reflect, but sometimes you just sit and exist.

Hit Single:
Pedestrian at Best
Standout Tracks:
Elevator Operator
Nobody Really Cares If You Don't Go to the Party

11) Big Sean's Dark Sky Paradise
Release Date: February 24

Remember how I wrote off The Game? I totally did the same with Wale and Big Sean. While I'm still on the fence with Wale, Big Sean managed to land back in my good graces, and not just because Kanye West still believes in him. Big Sean's lyricism hasn't been this strong since his mixtape days. One could argue he finally found the balance between commercial and mixtape rap - the ex-girlfriend anthem I Don't Fuck With You being a perfect example. He in a way admits it when he raps about finally being able to provide for his family and live comfortably, revealing that the rap game is not all glitz and glamour. Perhaps its his honesty that finally propelled him into one of the best rappers of 2015. You can only front and act hard for so long before life comes at you fast. Just ask Rick Ross.

Hit Single:
I Don't Fuck With You
Standout Tracks:
Play No Games [feat Chris Brown & Ty Dolla $ign]
One Man Can Change the World [feat Kanye West & John Legend]

10) Donnie Trumpet and the Social Experiment's Surf
Release Date: May 28

Chance the Rapper is one of the best up-and-coming rappers and hands down the best independent artist in quite some time. However, Chance decides to step down in order to put on for his crew The Social Experiment. This album highlights the abilities of Donnie Trumpet, obviously the trumpeteer of the group. Chance - being the modest fellow he is - invites other artists like J Cole, Busta Rhymes, Janelle Monae, Jeremih, and more to temporarily join the ensemble. With Donnie in the forefront, this album manages to blend jazz and hip-hop effortlessly. Because of the jazz roots, tracks tend to blend together, but it allows the album to be a smooth wave for you to ride to shore.

Hit Single:
Sunday Candy
Standout Tracks:
Slip Slide [feat B.o.B, BJ the Chicago Kid, Busta Rhymes, & Janelle Monae]
 Just Wait

9) Father John Misty's I Love You, Honeybear
Release Date: February 10

From the moment I heard Bored in the USA on Letterman, I knew I would love Father John Misty's next project. I Love You, Honeybear does not fail to deliver. Through the age old genre of folk, the good Father tells us tales of love, regret, and intrigue as he sings about himself. Concept albums are great that way, you can sing about visiting someone's apartment in the third person. With sounds reminiscent of his Fleet Foxes days, he pokes fun at the way our generation interacts with each other in the least condescending way possible. Perhaps it's his smooth voice that weakens the blow. I'm not sure why, but I haven't listened to this album alone in a dark room inebriated yet. I'm sure it's only a matter of time until me and John Misty have our one-on-one time.

Hit Single:
Bored in the USA
Standout Tracks:
I Love You, Honeybear
The Night Josh Tillman Came to Our Apt.

8) Tame Impala's Currents
Release Date: July 17

The theme of letting a record play in full and grooving out to it seems to be a trend this year, Tame Impala's Currents being no exception to the rule. Even know, I can see my curly haired roommate dancing around with a wide grin on his face to this album. Currents is definitely a jam album balanced with a night drive album. I'll admit, I don't understand or even hear all of Tame Impala's lyrics, but the general gist and theme of self-evolution come through on every song. Perhaps this is due to Kevin Parker taking full control and handling everything from writing, recording,  performing, producing, and mixing. I suppose that's why he's so insistent on letting us know that's he's a man: his own man.

Hit Single:
Let It Happen
Standout Tracks:
Eventually
New Person, Same Old Mistakes

7) Natalie Prass' Self-Titled 
Release Date: January 27

Natalie Prass may be favorite new singer-songwriter. Her voice is angelic but not holier-than-thou. Her lyrics are piercing and enjoyable. With a nearly non-existent budget, Ms Prass was able to assemble a phenomenal band with the help of her friend Matthew E White. Together they create a sound that leaves me speechless. From being someone's fool to just wanting to be understood and believed in, Natalie Prass' debut album invokes a feeling of sitting by a landline and waiting for someone to call you back. It's an emotional journey that will occasionally call on you to twirl around the room. You know an album is great when the reprise is one of your favorite parts about the album. Encore. Encore, I say!

Hit Single: 
My Baby Don't Understand Me
Standout Tracks:
Why Don't You Believe in Me
Reprise


6) Disclosure's Caracal
Release Date: September 25

Two years ago, Disclosure released a debut album I severely underrated. Until this album dropped, I played it more than any other album from 2013. The British duo of brothers Guy and Howard Lawrence truly reignited my love for house music. Disclosure continues to drop beats that will get you dancing while inviting their favorite artists to sing for them including Lorde, Miguel, and of course Sam Smith. However, Caracal is an album that allows Howard to showcase his vocal range, especially on the album's bonus tracks (which I highly recommend). Each song on the album sounds different from the last, and in today's pop and dance music, diversity and uniqueness is a much sort after trait.

Hit Single: 
Omen [feat Sam Smith]
Standout Tracks:
Jaded
Nocturnal [feat The Weeknd]

5) Pentatonix' Self-Titled 
Release Date: October 16

Pentatonix is a five piece acapella group that soared to fame after winning season three of the Sing Off and carrying their notoriety by covering songs on Youtube. With their debut album, they finally branch out into creating their own pop songs. They make acapella less corny with their intricate arrangements and smooth blending of vocals. Although Scott Hoying is the group's unofficial frontman, every member gets the chance to showcase their gifts, even the bass singer and beatboxer. Let it be recognized that the rhythm section of Pentatonix deserves all the praise for creating dope beats without the use of a drum kit. I wouldn't suggest singing along to Pentatonix as you may get lost in their harmonies, but that doesn't stop me. There's a part for everyone. Oh, and in case you still want them to cover songs, you can be treated to a near perfect version of Shai's If I Ever Fall in Love featuring Jason Derulo. I know, I didn't know Derulo had it in him either.

Hit Single:
Can't Sleep Love
Standout Tracks:
Ref
Light in the Hallway

4) Adele's 25
Release Date: November 20

The Queen of Having-You-All-in-Your-Feelings has returned! Adele took some time off to mother her child and denied us 23, but 25 will most definitely do. During my first listen, I felt Adele was sticking to her old tricks, and the album fell flat for me. Then I realized I was grading Adele against herself too harshly. 21 is a masterpiece of an album. Will it ever be recreated? Only time can tell, but 25 is wonderful in its own right. The one thing this album has that lacked from 21 is a dance track (shout out to Max Martin) that could be considered the upbeat sequel to Someone Like You. Adele's still good for belting over a good stomp-clap beat as you try to match her range. Just reserve yourself for the slower songs and don't let that tub of Ben & Jerry's keep you from achieving greatness as you annoy your neighbors with your offkey singing.

Hit Single:
Hello
Standout Tracks: 
Send Your Love
Million Years Ago


3) Alabama Shake's Sound and Color 
Release Date: April 21

Brittany Howard and the Alabama Shakes, as I like to call them, released the sophomore album and jumped right over that slump. From the harmonious xylophone that opens the album to the sing-weeping that closes it, Sound and Color is an experience. Bluesy rock has never sounded so good. Borrowing sounds found in pop and R&B and translating them to their own genre help backup Ms Howard's strong alto. There are times I found myself doing the MJB bop to a few of their songs. The themes of the album are eclectic and representative of a band yearning to have themselves heard. This adds to Ms Howard's soul that attracts me so. I know it's taboo, insensitive, and dehumanizing for gay men to say they have an inner black woman living inside them, but I would love if I had an inner Brittany Howard living inside me. I'd be way better at karaoke, that's for sure. The Alabama Shakes are clearly aiming to keep rock alive in a world dominated by pop princesses.

Hit Single:
Don't Wanna Fight
Standout Tracks:
Give Me All Your Love
Over My Head


2) Kendrick Lamar's To Pimp a Butterfly
Release Date: March 15

Kendrick Lamar is the best rapper out right now. There I said it. I'd argue he'd beat Kanye or Jay-Z in a battle, but he's too smooth and focused to involve himself in rap beef. Utilizing funk, Mr Lamar brings us another classic album to enrich and uplift the black community while continuing his storytelling, this time about his struggles with Lucy. Keeping his features to mostly singers, Mr Lamar hits us with bar after bar of greatness, leading the charge to making California the epicenter of hip hop. My only critique is that the album can be a bit dense at times. I admit, I have to be in the mood to receive Kendrick's message. I know it's great, but it's more of a three hour movie in a way. I can enjoy it immensely, but it's tiring to devote myself completely to it. That's not to say the album doesn't have singles. I've seen plenty of black mosh pits form when Alright comes on in the club. Tying everything together with an evolving poem that transitions into an interview with one of the greatest rappers of all time truly elevates To Pimp a Butterfly into one of the best hip hop albums of all time.

Hit Single:
Alright
Standout Tracks:
King Kunta
The Blacker the Berry


1) Jazmine Sullivan's Reality Show 
Release Date: January 13

I'm starting to recognize a trend among my favorite albums of the year. What can I say, I love black women who can sing and move me. However, I'll try to steer away from this in the future? Probably not. What will be will be.
That said, Jazmine Sullivan released the best album of her career, though you wouldn't recognize that from her album sells. I attribute that to poor marketing: the lead single and first song on the album is Dumb featuring everyone's favorite washed rapper Meek Millz. Getting pass the over produced single, the rest of Reality Show is a masterpiece. Ms Sullivan presents R&B at it's best as she sings about love and all of it's different forms. Knowing self worth is important, she remembers to sing about empowering yourself and not letting yourself fall to the wayside. Ms Sullivan can give you a dance track to reignite your passion for rollerblading then turn around and give you a smooth ballad capable of rivaling the best singers in the industry. Don't sleep on Jazmine Sullivan any longer and watch her prosper. I guarantee you'll be a fan.

Hit Single:
Forever Don't Last
Standout Tracks: 
Brand New
Stanley


Honorable Mentions
Dr. Dre's Compton
Future's DS2
Sufjan Steven's Carrie and Lowell
Unknown Mortal Orchestra's Multi-Love
The Weeknd's Beauty Behind the Madness

If you're all caught up with this year, go head and take a peak at my 2014 and 2013 lists. You can never have too much music in your life. Here's to more jams in 2016.

Word

Speaking Queerly

In an effort to enrich and educate myself, I've recently decided to look into the plethora of documentaries Netflix has to offer. Not wanting to overwhelm or bore myself on first impact, I chose one with a title I assumed I'd relate to.

Do I Sound Gay? follows one man's journey to drop his gay-cent through a series of vocal lessons as he asks celebrities and people around the world what it means to sound like a homosexual. A section of the movie focuses on heterosexual men who are mistaken as a friend of Elton because of how they speak, going on to mention that some men pick up their phonetic sounds and inflections from the women around during their childhood: mostly s- and (x)h- words. The subject of the film also reveals that he and plenty of other gay men he knows received speech therapy as children. I clutched my pearls, for I too received speech therapy.

This documentary had been in my queue for at least a month, but an exchange earlier that day made it stand out. I went for lunch with a couple of my friends last week. On the ride over, "Johnny" told me three of his friends would be meeting us.* One was a lady named "Annalise," another named "Lance" with a timid demeanor, and lastly a queer fellow by the name of "Roger" with a beard and glasses. I know all these things because they were described to me as such. I'm not saying Johnny was trying to drop hints, but Johnny was dropping hints. Good, because my gaydar usually sucks.

However, there was one problem with his descriptions: both Lance and Roger showed up with glasses and a beard. I should also mention I'm terrible with names, so I didn't remember which name was attached to the gay character. I just shook both of their hands as I was introduced to them. Then Roger began to talk. I'm not saying he sounded gay, but he sounded gay. Luckily, Lance was quiet, so I was allowed to focus all of my attentiveness on Roger. Roger was indeed the homosexual. And that's where that story ends because I try not to hit on friends of friends when I first meet them, because what, all gay guys are immediately attracted to each other? I have to at least pretend to break stereotypes.

Occasionally, for people like Roger, escaping stereotypes are more of a concern. When people automatically think or know that you're gay, there's no limit to the assumptions that can be made about you. It's a shame, really.

Yet, secretly, I've always wanted to sound gay. During my ten years as a self-realized homosexual, no one has ever assumed I was gay when they first met me. Sure, if they stuck around to hear what I talk about they can figure it out, but no one immediately thinks I look like a three dollar bill. Because I don't look or sound gay, I'm always worried that other gay guys won't pick up that I am. I have no idea if Johnny informed Roger of my sexual orientation like he had me, and I won't bother to ask. You have to leave some mystery for yourself, no matter how nerve racking it may be.

I suppose the "sounding gay" situation is a glass is greener type deal. I wonder if there are phrases that could butch-up someone's voice, because I definitely use "yaaaaas" and "gurl" to soften myself up. We do what works for us.

Word



*For some reason, I hate using my friends' names on my blog. Probably for the better: this is my life on display, not theirs. Or maybe I got in trouble once during the early years? ...no, yup, definitely got in trouble one time.

Spoiler Wars

If you're reading this within four hours of me posting it, I'm most likely still in the movie theatre watching Star Wars: A New Hope. Er, I mean The Force Awakens. I hope you were brave enough to click on the link. Apparently people are afraid of this phenomenon called spoilers. Personally, I don't get the big whoop.

Spoilers supposedly ruin the ending, major plot point, or major plot twist of a movie, show, or book. I say poppycock. Sure, the mystery is gone, but I don't think the pleasure is sucked out of the experience. You still get to enjoy the journey of the story. You know, the journey-is-better-than-the-destination type of deal.

Besides, with a movie like Star Wars, nothing could be ruined with those wonderful effects. That's like saying Avatar could be ruined if you knew he dies at the end. [Honestly, I forgot the plot of Avatar. I just remember it basically being Pocahontas from John Smith's view point.]

If you do believe in spoilers, I'm sorry. I hope you've done well in your quest to avoid them until you're able to plop in a comfy seat with overpriced popcorn. May the odds be ever in your favor. Live long and prosper. And party on, Wayne.

Word.

102 Tasks in 1002 Days

What do you do when you fail to keep up with your posting schedule and you promise people something vaguely special to compensate for it? You dig through old posts and try to pull at their nostalgia, that's what.

Originally, I thought about reviewing my most popular short stories and rants - kind of a Behind the Music deal. Then I thought that would be too vain. If I'm asked to produce such a series, I wouldn't feel so self-conscious about it... [insert over-exaggerated wink here because emojis are words now]

Some of my oldest friends and associates may recognize this post. Five years ago, I aimed to complete 101 tasks in 1001 days and document my progress. I failed at both, but just because you haven't finished a task in the time you allotted yourself doesn't mean you have to give up on it.

So here's my second attempt. I added a 102nd task because that's how sequels work. I'll be using this to add some structure into my life. Lord knows I need it.  Last time I did this, I included goals that were a bit too abstract. Reprehend me if you catch me trying to pull a fast one. Feel free to follow along or to create your own. I'll try my best to post every time I complete a task.


Start Date: Friday, Decemeber 18, 2015
End Date: Saturday, September 15, 2018

1. Have a complete manuscript for a novel
2. Complete a second manuscript
3. Find a publisher
4. Finish 2nd and 3rd episodes of TV pilot
5. Attempt to get it produced
6. Learn how to direct
7. Visit the West Coast
8. Complete a writing challenge
9. Complete a reading challenge
10. Learn how to tread water and swim laps
11. [sigh] Learn how to drive
12. [longer sigh] Buy a car
13. Pick up and retain Spanish and/or French
14. Decide if you want to attend grad school
15. Completely pay off your student loans? One can dream
16. Visit the Caribbean
17. Visit a non-European country
18. Produce more visual art
19. Devote a day to photography
20. Learn how to ride a bike
21. Attend DC/ATL Pride
22. Watch a Broadway Show
23. Become more vocal about social justice
24. Invest in stocks and learn how they work
25. Master the Adobe Suite
26. Live somewhere with a balcony [the dream!]
27. Attempt to ice skate
28. Become featured on a major website
29. Learn how to sing better
30. Find more queer spaces to meet people
31. Find an exercise routine you enjoy
32. Use Just Dance as a cardio program
33. Take a vacation alone
34. Learn 50 new recipes [7/50]
35. Learn how to bake
36. Learn better chopping and cooking techniques
37. Live somewhere with a kitchen bigger than a walk-in closet
38. Watch the Oscar winning movies of 2016
39. Attempt to watch House of Cards
40. Find a job with a steady income
41. Allow someone else to host Friendsgiving [shudders at losing control]
42. Seek ways to improve your speech
43. Revisit a therapist
44. Become more comfortable with physical contact
45. Attend another music festival
46. Determine rather you're Team Apple or Team Android
47. Find own insurance plan because you're an adult now
48. Attend a Comic-Con or gaming expo
49. Reconnect with your uncle
50. Write a webshort or play for my friends to star in
51. Utilize the new camera
52. Utilize the crockpot you purchased because Cyber Monday is the devil
53. Visit New Jersey for longer than a week
54. Reconnect with friends in New Jersey and elsewhere
55. Attend a concert by an artist you don't know
56. Attend a stadium concert
57. Find an apartment to hang the artwork you purchased in
58. Determine your relationship with religion
59. Learn more about family's history
60. Watch the entire Queer as Folk series because queer studies
61. Attempt a vegetarian lifestyle for a month
62. Stay up to date with dance crazes to remain relevant
63. Develop a palate for wine
64. Develop a palate for whiskey
65. Attempt to brew your own beer because you're hip
66. Camp in the woods sans technology
67. Stargaze and name constellations
68. Watch more science-based shows like "How It's Made"
69. Revisit Canada [or retreat there, whichever comes first]
70. Vote in the next Presidential Election
71. Become more attentive of local politics
72. Sit in the park and record more findings
73. Try new sex positions [giggity] [0/5]
74. Work to complete your next crazy idea with Brett
75. Learn how to sew
76. Compete in a local drag night
77. Learn how to actually apply makeup
78. Fight for women's right and become the feminist you were meant to be
79. Stand up for friends when they can't themselves
80. Vocalize your opinions in conversation, even if they're wrong
81. Try to DJ [maybe a friend's wedding]
82. Relearn how to read and write music
83. Write a song
84. Learn how to play the piano/keyboard
85. Sing Erykah Badu/D'Angelo style at an Open Mic
86. Be someone's #MCM because your ego needs stimulus
87. Keep up with this blog 
88. Market yourself through social media [without becoming annoying]
89. Set up a retirement plan because you will make it into old age
90. Determine a better conversation topic than "So... what do you do for work?"
91. Determine if you want children and if you have a biological clock
92. Date a guy, maybe a girl. Who knows? ...probably a guy, though
93. Participate in community service because I'm a good person
94. Purchase Legos and relive my architect dream
95. Attend my 5-year college and 10-year high school reunions and have cool stories to tell because I am the most interesting man in all of Baltimore
96. Decide if you want to live in Baltimore or move elsewhere
97. Buy more dress shirts and cardigans because you love cardigans
98. Limit your Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr time to two hours a day
99. Talk about your feelings with friends more
100. Guide nieces and nephews through the next chapter of their lives
101. Add $20 to savings account for each task completed
102. Make a new task list when this one expires

Thanks for your future encouragement and support. If you want me to cook for you, I'd be glad to use you as a guinea pig. If I can successfully bake a turkey for three consecutive years, I can guarantee you'll gonna love the way my food taste.

Word

Sometimes I'm Single and I Weep, and Sometimes I'm Just Single

One of the worst parts about getting older, I've discovered, is watching your friends couple off. Maybe it's the increased maturity levels or perhaps people recognizing what they want, but more of my friends are dating than ever before. Sure I'm happy for them, but that doesn't mean I'm not bitter. These people used to have all the time in the world for our joint shenanigans. Now I have to wait in the wings until the 27 minute love scene is finished before I can have my moment on stage.

While I secretly want to break up everyone on Earth, I realize how insanely selfish that is. However, this doesn't stop me from showing distain anytime someone displays PDA. But I play my part. I give couples their space until I can join in their game of double dutch. There is no shame to my third- and fifth-wheel game, because two friends are better than none.

You would think with all the energy I put into being jealous I would attempt to find someone to date. I don't know how you came to that conclusion; it's wrong. I've been single for the entirety of my twenties - my, that was daunting to type and reread - and I've managed just fine. Having to care about someone else's emotions full time seems draining. [Remember how selfish I am?]

Then I think about having someone to care about me full time. Someone to always laugh with. Someone to tell me about their day. Someone to argue with and then run back to. Someone to hold me at night. Someone to disgust people with how cute we all. Then I go on Grindr and lose hope of every finding that because of slim pickings and vanity.

Perhaps I've conditioned myself to be content with singleness. I suppose it beats constantly whining. It's funny. I thought being gay would excuse me from the standard demands of dating expectations, but my mother and sisters have been bugging me about dating and having children just the same as if I subscribed to heteronormative culture. Sometimes I wish I did.

But that's life, I suppose. You're self-sufficient by choice or necessity until someone comes along and allows you to unload all of your baggage upon them while you hold theirs and you're both happy. I still don't totally grasp the concept, but I admire those who inspire me to believe it exists.

Word

Mental Health and Me

If you're a social media fiend like I am, you've probably noticed Buzzfeed instituted a Mental Health Week. The official Mental Health Awareness "Week" is October 2-10, but I understand. Mental illnesses are still occasionally dismissed as something you can just shake off, and the more opportunities we have to educate others the better.

I wouldn't say I'm without a doubt a "person suffering from depression," but I was prescribed medication to treat it for a while. So, if you don't mind being bummed out for a few minutes, I'd like to tell you about my first battle with depression. Maybe my second as well, but that one's a doozy and I might wanna save it for my memoir someday. We'll see if I can get through the first one without getting upset.

My senior year of college, I took my second psychology course. I withdrew from my first, so this was 101. I already felt bad enough being in a class of freshmen, but I wasn't the only senior who waited to fulfill all of their core class requirements. For this course, we were allowed extra credit in the form of participating in studies conducted by graduate students. I found psychology interesting, but I wasn't going allow my inability to focus during studying to prohibit me from passing.

I signed up for a graduate student's mental health questionnaire. I was assured the results would remain private, so I answered honestly. I had being keeping plenty of things pent up after losing two best friends over squabbles. I admitted to possibly feeling depressed and having thoughts of suicide. At the time I thought, hey, who doesn't think of climbing to the roof of the student center and jumping off so they don't have to deal with the stress of what to do after college.

Two or three weeks went by as I continued my secret life of unworthiness. The second Thursday of November I was called into the Counseling Center. I didn't even know where it was. After realizing it was located under the Writing Major Lounge, I met with a woman who told me the grad student I met with reported me as a possible threat to myself. I was upset but not by much. It was kind of a relief to have my thoughts out in the open. The dread came when she suggested I leave to seek treatment at a mental ward. Ok, she probably called it a psychiatric hospital, but toddlers don't hear "nap," they hear "no more fun for you."

I'm not sure why, but after three minutes of talking, I agreed to go to [hospital name redacted] for a weekend. I called my mother; I could hear her trying to restrain her shock through supportive words. My roommate retrieved my laptop, ipod, and a change of clothes and I was off.

Of course, I wasn't allowed to use my laptop or ipod while in treatment. "No outside contact or stress allowed," they told me. I didn't have the energy to tell them writing and music are how I stay sane. Luckily, I wrote a log of my stay in a tiny notebook. That information is definitely for the memoir. However, I will tell you an overview of my experience:

• The food sucked. 
• The other patients were varying levels of crazy. 
• Not being able to be goofy, as I am prone to be, for fear of being labeled crazier made me more depressed. 
• Everything seemed grayscale or sepia depending on the day. 
• My parents came and made me feel better, even my father who had never been overtly emotionally available in the past. 
• I met a kid who allowed me to forget about myself as I helped with what I assumed was an overdose, though I never bothered to ask.
• I stayed way longer than I planned because self-admitting yourself doesn't actually mean you leave whenever you want.

Apparently you had to submit a request 48 hours in advance and be deemed fit enough by the doctor(s). I didn't want to deal with the stress. Eventually, I was let out on Wednesday to discover I was missed by everyone. My roommate hadn't told anyone where I was. I don't remember if I told anyone either. I do remember I gave up drinking at the request of the school - much to my 21 year old dismay - and disguised it as a challenge I already set up for myself on this blog. ....it's right (here) if you want to read it.

I readjusted well enough for the first two months, though I refused to take my meds because I could already tell what feeling nothing - no high, no low - felt like, and I hated it. Then I started drinking again, because screw them I was finally 21. Then my second major depressive episode happened. This is the good one.

It was Spring Break. I stayed on campus to work because it was still technically winter and going home was my least favorite activity. One day on the job, I was asked to disassemble a desk we had to move, but I didn't know how to competently work a power tool. I tried for what couldn't have actually been ten minutes before my boss yelled at me and gave the task to someone else. Because I was depressed and alone, I drank way too much that night. I laid in bed the next morning not hungover but feeling utterly worthless. I had already shown up late earlier in the week and been warned that I was close to being fired. So I wrote a text to my supervisor requesting that he fire me because I was a piece of trash. I remained in bed until I heard a knock at the door. It was only then that I realized the school must have informed him back in November of my status. 

I opened the door and already knew that were going to tell me to take time off from school. They recommended it after the first episode, but I told them all I was graduating on time. It turned out I was putting too much pressure on myself; I crumbled. I left the same day realizing that mental illness was real.

To this day, I have moments when getting out of bed is a struggle. As I've alluded to before, even writing - an activity that brings me joy and relief - became a chore I'd rather ignore. Luckily, I'm much more vocal, so my stress isn't as bad. But everyday is a new struggle. I get by. I'm fortunate enough to have supportive friends and family. I don't need coddling. That usually makes me feel worse, as if I'm really sick. Which I am, but I don't need to be reminded. 

Mental Health isn't textbook. I believe everyone has something that works for them; it's important to recognize that. After keeping quiet about my illness for five years, I'm just doing my part to make life a little less taboo and a bit more manageable. Every little bit helps.

Word.

Thought I Knew and Divine Acidity

Today's another Monday Workshop where I revisit old poems and pretend they're good enough for public consumption. These two entries are oldies, but I believe they have potential. Enjoy.

~~~
Thought I Knew

Here’s the truth

I did love you

False, I lusted after you

Words are hard for me

You know my public school education

Never taught me what television really meant

But I longed for you

Lesbians, L words, libations

I was drunk on you

Like spiked punch

While you kicked and pulled

Until you were free from my gaze

I was like an owl

My eyes full of you

You must have felt invaded

As I tried to land on you

But you let me fall

Allowing me to see the truth

And the floor up close and personal

But just like the old lady 

Who bangs her ceiling at me

I’m over you

My imagination of you

Overshadowed the shallowness you stand ankle deep in

Your personality is Quasimodo’s face

And I know I’m exaggerating

But I have to

You must be demonized if I’m going to find

Someone like who I thought I knew

~~~

Divine Acidity

I tried falling asleep once

I nearly puked the bed

My body, he doesn’t act right

Not like I once knew it to

But I think, think it’s changing on me

Roughing me up

Fighting back after I’ve bullied it

Misused it

But how can I misuse something

I never received a manual for

The Bible never told me so

Was I actually supposed to pay attention in health class

My gym teacher taught me

And he could barely multiply

Up until the break of dawn

suffering because of past mistakes

Gluttony getting the best of me

Perhaps it is the deadliest sin

Who knows if I'll survive

Water don't fail me now

Drench this internal flame

May I be more disciplined in the future

But if I fail allow me the serenity

Of disorienting inebriation

To lull me to sleep 

Past the gates of hell 

~~~

Word

My Favorite Mixtapes, EPs, and Singles of 2015

Everyone and their cool aunt has an opinion on the best albums of the year, and I'm no exception. I, unlike most people, like to reserve that judgment for the last day of the year. However, there's been an overflow of good tunes this year, so I'm spotlighting a few of my favorites. This is by no means a fully inclusive list, only what I've come across during my travels. But feel free to yell at me in the comments anyway.


D.R.A.M. - Cha Cha

Being the reckless 20-something I am, I often go out on Tuesday nights. One Tuesday night this Spring, I visited the Ottobar and DJ played this jam. It hooked me hit there and then as I shazam'd it. For years, I've wanted someone to sample the Nintendo Wii Shop Channel music. D.R.A.M.'s bombastic charm is what carries the song, tho. His love to Cha Cha inspires you to do the same, even after Nintendo forced them to alter the beat once it gain notoriety. It was well on track to becoming the song of the summer.

Drake - Hotline Bling

Then everyone's favorite light-skinned Canadian slowed things down and hopped on the track. It sucked for the indie artist D.R.A.M. - receiving next to no shout outs from the 6 god - but it provided everyone else with the true song of the summer. Drake stayed true to his "save-a-girl" antics by sing-crooning. The magnitude of this record only escalated with the release of the video (where Drake cha-cha's!). Being the trendsetter that he is, Drake went on to influence others to mimic his dance moves and to release covers of his track.

Erykah Badu - But You Caint Use My Phone

Without a doubt, Ms Badu's cover of Hotline Bling (now called Cel U Lar Device) was by far the best I heard, as she even took the time to add a breakdown for all the losers trying to contact her. A month later, she revealed she had inspired herself to create a mixtape. We have since been blessed with But You Caint Use My Phone: a tribute to phone- and calling-centric songs. She begins with a nod to her live classic Call Tyrone and moves on to cover hits like Usher's U Don't Have to Call and New Edition's Mr Telephone. Smooth interludes and uncredited features accompany the mixtape. The most notable feature comes in the form of Ms Badu's ex - Andre 3000 - on the tape's last track Hello, a tribute to the Isley Bros' track Hello, It's Me. A 3000 verse never goes unappreciated, and it's clear the two still work well together.

Ellie Goulding - Take Me to Church (cover)

Hozier also motivated others to mimic his tune Take Me to Church. If you could find your way past Youtube and find Soundcloud, you would have discovered Ellie Goulding's cover. Enchanting is an understatement. Where Hozier's version is enthralling, Goulding's is mesmerizing. The addition of a semi-danceable beat (read: bass) doesn't hurt either.

Janelle Monae - Yoga (ft Jidenna)

Ms Monae will forever be my homegirl. Yoga is without a doubt a detour from her Cindi Mayweather storyline, but even the best storytellers need a break to stretch and have fun. Had she created an actual dance to go along with the song, it might have had the crossover appeal to become a bonafide song of the summer. It's odd that the line "Get off my areola" wasn't enough to do that. Jidenna's verse is nice as well. His song Classic Man almost made my list until I realized it was a fuckboy anthem in sheep's clothing.

Alessia Cara - Here

Kendrick Lamar once warned everyone to not kill his vibe. Alessia Cara wishes to abide and just go the hell home. Never have I heard an introvert anthem come across so well. (The Portishead sample doesn't hurt.) But even then, the song is more than that. It's about recognizing a space as not your scene and not wanting to put up with it anymore. It's an anthem for those seeking to not waste time. If only she had slipped a line about Tumblr in there.

FKA Twigs - M3LL155X

My love for FKA is no secret. I find her sound refreshing. With her third EP, pronounced Melissa, she channel's her feminine energy into an eargasm. The EP impregnates you with a monster you can't quite shake. The five tracks take you on a journey of sexual awakening, with a slight detour into the vogue lane during Glass & Patron. It just makes me yearn for more of her work.


Mac Demarco - Another One

Demarco is still new to me, so I'm a sucker for his smooth vibes. On the somehow not DJ Khaled inspired EP Another One, Mac sings through his gap teeth about a girl who might be the one. The beats are slick, and the guitar is pleasant. After watching a few interviews of his (the one on Complex with Shamir is particularly entertaining), I'm a bit more inclined to take Mac up on that cup of coffee.



Gallant - Weight in Gold

I won't lie, with the likes of Timberlake, Bieber, and Sam Smith running around, I totally expected Gallant to by a white guy from Vermont. Turns out he's actually a black guy from Columbia, MD. Either way, Weight in Gold is a beautiful song that's more chorus than verses, but what few lyrics there are hit hard as a relationship sounds like it's coming to an end. You'll find yourself losing yourself more and more in Gallant's high notes as the song progresses.

Adele - Hello

Speaking of emotional, Adele returned. Obviously she'll be on my best albums list, but where will she land? What makes Hello a great single is it's simplicity, allowing people everywhere to connect and sing along. Adele has grown as a person, and although she didn't know how starved we all were for her return, she managed to produce a song that reminds us of 21 while sounding fresh. This isn't Adele's best song, but her return to music after years of silence makes it a new stable in her catalog.

Missy Elliott- WTF

Speaking of comebacks, Misdemeanor's is in the building. With a song and video that are very reminiscent of Work It, Missy gives the people the dance-filled lyrics and energy they were looking for. Collaborating with her VA brother Pharrell was an obvious choice and a smart one. If we're lucky, maybe Timbaland will take a break from Empire and help Missy with her next album.

Kendrick Lamar and J. Cole's Black Friday(s)

Black Friday is usually a popular day for artists to drop surprise projects. This year, hip hop's rising greats Kendrick and J. Cole decided to rap on each others beats, A Tale of 2 Citiez and Alright, respectively. Both murdered each other's beats. J Cole rapped like he had finally woken up and reminded everyone while he's one of the best, while Kendrick took A Tale of Citiez to new levels. Cole hinted at a new project possibly being realized during Black History Month, but I suppose only time will tell.

If you expected What a Time to Be Alive on my list, sorry. It's not really my jam, but I do recognize it as an instant hood classic. May you all Jumpman to your heart's content. See you guys for my end of the year album review.

Word