How Can I Help You?

Have you ever seen a friend in a bad situation,

and you wanted to help

but you have no idea what to say?

The problem is we see they're dealing with a problem

but we don't know how to relate

because we've never been through it

or it's just a touchy subject in general.

Personally,

I keep quiet.

If you just start throwing generic statements their way

like "Everything's going to be ok"

or "It's not the end of the world"

or even "You're not alone"

the person might catch an attitude

and move away from you,

strengthening the wall they built between them and the world.

What I will do is observe them.

Sounds creeper-ish, I know,

but this way you can see how they're reacting.

(Not reacting is still a form of reacting).

You can't just approach them when you first notice something's wrong.

Yes, you can ask but don't get too involved in it

unless they start to vent to you.

That's when you have to pay attention to the details.

Try not to seem bored, even if you are.

The person's problem could be hella cliche,

but to them it's unique because it's their problem.

Judging from what the person says,

decide what to say.

For me, there are two options:

flowery and real.

Flowery is along the lines of the examples of what not to say,

but it still holds a little more weight.

You repeat things that they said and reassure them that'll get through it

and that you're there for them.

Real is the straight up truth.

It can sound mean as all hell when it comes out,

so you have to make sure the person can handle it.

The truth will be obvious;

it's just something the person is ignoring

but that's why they're venting to you: to hear it.

In other cases,

the person might not reach out for help at all.

They'll try to rough it out.

I tend to leave these people alone.

If they want to talk,

they know someone will listen.

Until then, just let them be.

Pry at your own risk.

Anyway,

that's just my opinion on the matter.

What about you all, my dear friends [and associates]?

How do you approach a situation like this?

How would you want to be approached?

You know I love it when I hear back from you.

Dwell on it, and get back to me.

Word.

Suicide Joke

I was up early this morning attempting to study
when my 1 of my best friends hit me up on AIM.
And part of our conversation got me thinking about something.
Here's the short portion that inspired today's post.

SNUFFY (7:22:29 AM): smh
C G Wacko (7:22:56 AM): hey. hey!!!
C G Wacko (7:23:01 AM): don't you ever
C G Wacko (7:23:03 AM): ever
C G Wacko (7:23:10 AM): ever ever ever ever ever
C G Wacko (7:23:15 AM): shake your head at me
SNUFFY (7:23:21 AM): SMMFH
C G Wacko (7:23:21 AM): not even your damn head
C G Wacko (7:23:27 AM): or fucking head!
C G Wacko (7:23:30 AM): grrrr
C G Wacko (7:23:38 AM): nor motherfucking head
C G Wacko (7:23:47 AM): no one wants to see your dick anyway
SNUFFY (7:23:55 AM): hahahahaha
C G Wacko (7:24:04 AM): #suicidejoke
C G Wacko (7:24:30 AM): suicide joke - a joke made at the expense of both the joker and jokee
SNUFFY (7:24:40 AM): lol

You see, "Snuffy" and I
have had this running joke since high school about him banging my mom.

I think he's even made songs about it.

At first, I tried to ignore it,

then I tried to make jokes about me banging his mom...

but his mom is no one I'd like to bang [sexuality aside, haha].

So, I decided to just go along with it

and see how far I could go before I made him laugh.

It's become a sort of competition between the two of us now.

In fact,

I've noticed that's most of my humor.

I'll take a lot of jabs at myself,

because who doesn't love a humble dude.

I will often throw in a few suicide jokes as well.

These are usually about either blacks or gays.

What are some examples I can draw up...

Let's say I see a black person with fried chicken.

I'll say, "Stop being a sterotype."

Then I'll pretend to reach in so I can eat a wing.

OR

Let's say a gay friend is talking about guys they like.

I'll say, "You're such a hoe, stop tryna be like me."

This I'll say with as straight a face as possible [pun not intended].

(sidebar: contrary to what my friends tell you, I am not a ho.

Does a ho have an 18 month dry season? No, I don't think so. haha)

But what are the risks of the suicide joke?

In a sense,

you're degrading yourself.

You're broadcasting to the world:

hey, I don't think shit of myself.

People will also hear you disrespect yourself

and then think it's cool if they do the same to you.

I.E. : If you joke about how fat you are,

people will start calling you fat as well.

Do you really want that?

Now, I'm not saying we shouldn't use suicide jokes.

I'm a man of comedy, myself.

I'm just saying use them in moderation,

and be able to jab back

when others make jokes at your expense.

Don't let them see your weak side,

cause then they'll walk all over you.

Word.

Medusa Speaks

Here's another product of an in-class writing exercise.

We had to take a mythological creature

and write a story in the form of a confession or speech.

I first thought of doing one of the seven dwarves,

then Beast from Beauty & the Beast.

Finally, I decided on the Loch Ness Monster,

but that felt too typical.

So I stay on the reptile track and chose Medusa.

Keep in mind, this is a rough draft.

I just like sharing my early work with you all.

Enjoy.

You don't know what it's like to be lonely

until you've spent a year,

at the very least,

in my shoes.

You would be a miserable hermit too

if you had snakes growing from you head.

Well, that and if people turned to stone

every time they looked at you.

I mean,

it's not as if I was born this way;

I've known a man's touch,

which makes this forced celibacy even harder.

Talk about a chastity belt.

Sure, my parents were strict,

but I never thought they'd talk a master of the dark arts

into plaguing me with this burden.

It's too bad.

I didn't want to turn them into stone,

but they had it coming.

I only regret it because I was unable to pay the taxes

to stay in the house.

Would you hire a chick with snakes growing out of her head,

even if she was as fine as me?

Now, I've tried everything to get rid of them.

I tied a bag over the top of my head;

the snakes just poked through that.

I dipped my head in scolding hot water;

their skin just toughened.

I clipped them off with shears;

they just grow back, twice in numbers.

Finally, I just gave up.

I left the village before the town folk decided to kick me out.

I might have given up hope with the snakes,

but I still needed some sort of companionship.

Their hissing was not enough.

So, I tried blind dating.

Like... literally.

I put up flyers telling men to come to a location

with blindfolds over their eyes.

As sketchy as that sounds,

men actually showed up.

They must have been desperate.

Well, they were all just as curious

as they were desperate.

Before the halfway point during any date,

I would turn my head

only to return my gaze to a statue

of a man with one eye peeking

from under his blindfold.

I almost reprinted the flyer

asking for blind men to apply.

Luckily, I'm not that dumb.

After about a baker's dozen of failed attempts,

I decided to take shelter in the deepest woods,

where I would only create stone woodland creatures.

Hmm. Possible business venture?

I'll keep you posted.

Word.

Suit Up!

Are any of you familiar with the TV show

How I Met Your Mother?

...You don't. Hmm... Well.

It's a pretty funny show,

but I asked you that because of this:

there's a character on the show

[played by the impeccable Neil Patrick Harris]

who constantly wears a suit.

And he has a catchphrase of sorts

which is, you guessed it, "Suit up!"

a command instructing his friends to don suits.

Because, doesn't everyone just look better in a suit?

They just seem classier, you know?

Anyway,

a friend of mines at Loyola decided to plan a Suit Up! day.

There's supposedly an official one later in the year,

but why should there only be one day to get fly?

That day was today.

I partook in the activity.

I had on my black suit,

that had been tailored my senior year of high school,

and a black and purple striped shirt with a black tie.

Now...

I suppose I'll be honest.

I need my suit re-tailored. Haha.

Yeah... all eat and no work-out

is starting to affect how I fit in clothes.

Go figure.

But this is a topic for a later post.

Back to the matter.

Yeah. I saw a few other kids observing,

but for the most part,

people were still dressed regularly.

This is for two reasons, I'm sure.

1) Some kids just plum forgot.

It happens.

Some kids invited to the Facebook group didn't even watch the show.

and 2) It's 70-72 degrees in Baltimore today,

and my, is the sun shining brightly today.

I had to keep a tissue in my pocket to wipe away beads of sweat.

Haha.

You know I keep it 100% with ya'll.

But I still got compliments on my suit.

I also got a lot of, "Why are you so dressed up?"

"Suit Up! day," I replied.

"No, really," they said back.

Haha.

Again, why do we need a reason to dress so nicely?

Then again,

I guessed if we dressed nicely more often

it wouldn't be as special.

It just becomes part of the norm,

and I suppose it's always nice to dress differently on rare occasions.

Oh, and just to let you know,

I'm out of the suit now.

I'm about to go off campus on a trip to the aquarium with a group of kids.

No need to be suited and booted to sea fishies. haha.

I'm keeping this shirt and tie though, my nigga.

Shit is fly. Haha.

Word.

Personal Day

You know,
there are just some days
when you don't feel like doing a damn thing.
You don't wanna go to work.
You don't wanna go to class.
You don't wanna talk to nobody.
You just wanna sit back
and enjoy your day.
And there's nothing wrong with that.

You just have to know when's the right time to do it.
You can't just take off when you got a test
or when people are depending on you.
It has to be one of those days
when you know you can get away with it
and you can feel like it's gonna be a slow day.

Also,
if you do take off,
and people might expect to see you,
i.e. like a teacher,
you best lay low.
Don't be walking around in the open
where someone can easily spot you
and go "runtelldat" on you.
If your teacher or boss does spot you,
don't try to run.
Just go over and talk.
Maybe explain or come up with a lie.
And not a blatant lie.

On said personal day,
really just take time to do you.
Don't do anything that might stress you.
Usually when I take a day off,
I don't do much but chill with my friends.
Maybe blog. Haha.
Word.

Stuck on the Brain

Have you ever not been able to do tasks
because you just can't stop thinking about something?

It could be over someone you like,
a dispute,
hiding a secret,
hunger [haha],
it could be anything.
Whatever it is,
it's got you on halt for the most part.

You can say your going to do something,
have every intention of doing it,
even prepare to do it,
but you can't start it.
If somehow do manage to begin,
you won't finish,
at least not then.
Your mind will always wander to what's prevalent.
[hooray on spell prevalent right on my first try.]

Unfortunately,
the only way to move past it is to confront it.
Tell the person you like them.
Patch things up after the argument.
Reveal the secret.... if appropriate.
Feed yourself.
Do whatever you need to do so you can get on with your life.

Let's see if I'll take my own advice this time.
I doubt it, but I'm still growing and learning.
We'll see.
Word.

Oh... That Was Due Today?

I'm sure we've all done it.

Sometimes we get so many assignments or tasks

and we do most of them,

but we always forget to finish a crucial duty.

Now, sure we can remedy this

with planners and cellphone reminders.

But somehow we still manage to forget to do it.

So what do we do?

We BS our way through it.

If it's an assignment for a class,

you act as attentive as possible

and participate in what parts of the conversation you can.

If it's something big,

you be like,

"Oh, you know what?

I left that right on my desk.

Can I bring it by your office after my last class/meeting?"

Sometimes, you're lucky to find out something is due in two days

that you thought wasn't due for weeks.

...much like I just did.

If you follow me on Twitter, you know what it is.

When you find that out,

all you can is grind.

Make it work,

and make it look the best you can.

Mmm... I suppose it's important to say what happens when you get caught.

Well... obviously, you're gonna look dumb.

And unreliable.

And you may cop a F/incomplete or get fired.

So best watch your ass.

Know what teachers/bosses you can get away with forgetting things with.

This will help you manage your time

and understand which projects should come before others

and which can be ignored completely.

Now...

Go out and be productive, my dear listeners.

Don't be like me.

Stay on top of your shit.

Word.

A-Z Flash Fiction

Today in my Advance Fiction we did an exercise:

26 sentences, 1 of each letter of the alphabet.

My peers groined, but I immediately dove in.

I always find it easier to start writing when I have a prompt.

So this is what I came up with in class.

It's not the best, but I may revise it some day.

Enjoy.

A while ago, I lived in Nantucket.

Before I stopped lying, that is.

Carrie was the only one I hurt with my lies.

Damsels always seem to be that type.

Eventually she left me, but I don't care to tell you that story.

Fudge, now there's a topic that deserves discussion.

Godiva, best chocolate I've ever had.

Huge piles of empty boxes litter my studio apartment for months after I moved to New York.

Imagine me with a huge belly hanging over my belt with a slim body to lug it around.

Jim was the one with that burden, but it fit him.

"Keep ordering those chocolates, and I'll eat them all from you," he threatened.

Love: making men gain weight for the ones they care about.

Men in NYC always seem to pay me close attention me when I walk the streets.

Nantucket folk only stared and glared at me.

Once a pair of gray eyes batted at me, but they left long before I did.

Permitted by chance, I found them again.

Question: How do you get out of paying for your ex-wife's therapy bill?

Reply: Ask Jim McGreevey.

Secretly, I was glad Carrie still called me, even if only for money.

The conversations I had with her were mentally stimulating.

Unfortunately, I needed more than that stimulated.

Vivid description of how Jim fulfills that are details I'll also spare you.

What I will reveal is this: I'm happy.

Xanax couldn't make me happier.

Yesterday, someone told me Carrie overdosed.

Zoloft, contrary to popular belief, does make some people sad.

Word.

Just Browsing

Hmmm....

The teacher's talking about his life again.
No need to take notes on that,
but I will take note of the girl next to me.

Nice long blonde hair,
pretty tan skin.
She's dressed classroom slutty:
a white skirt that stops at the knee,
a light blue tank top,
no bra.
Speaking of bra...
boobs are proportionate.
Naw, she looks like too much effort.
I'd probably have to wine and dine her.
Probably has a man already, anyway.

There's the girl in front of me.
Cute little brunette number.
I doubt she's into black guys though.
She looks too suburban.

That one girl in the front row is kind of nice.
Hmm... kinda tall though.
She'd beat me in height with heels on.
Not a good look.

What about...
naw, too geeky.
Probably conservative too.
I'd probably offend her halfway into a conversation.

The girl in the corner?
Ahn, cute face,
but she's built like a dude.
Do I like that?
...

Oh look, someone just came back from the bathroom.
A red head.
I wonder if I got her pregnant
would our kid be a red-headed black kid.
Hmm... ginger nigger.
Hey, those have the same letters in them.
Weird.

Hey, that girl has a Ravens folder.
Cool.
You know, I hear more chicks are watching sports now.
They musta caught on that we're gonna watch Desperate Housewives with them.
Maybe I'll talk to her after class.

Wait....
That's right.
I'm meeting up with Nicole tonight.
Man, I gotta stop forgetting I have a girlfriend.


Word.

Ignorance is Bliss

First off,

hello there.

I decided to take a lil break last week.

It was my school's spring break after all.

I still found myself wanting to blog,

but I didn't know what to talk about.

That usually happens when I'm doin nothing with my life.

Anyway,

I finally have something to dwell on

since I'm finally around my college friends again.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation

where you could find out information

but desperately wanted to run away

so you wouldn't know what it was?

You know,

because knowing it would just upset you

or maybe you're just not ready to take on the responsibility of knowing it.

Sometimes not being aware of something is the best feeling in the word.

You're not bogged down with the dread it might contain.

Think about it.

When you hear about disasters or scandals,

you feel some type of way.

But usually when you avoid receiving the knowledge

you're walkin around pleased with the status quo.

Now, I'll admit.

I've been living blissfully because I've been avoiding certain bits of information.

But I really don't want to anymore.

I mean, yes.

Ignorance is bliss,

but knowledge is power.

Deep, right?

The more you know,

the more you can do.

You can access situations

and go about bettering them.

So, grow out of ignoring things right in front of you.

Learn how to deal with it.

You'll grow from it.

Trust me.

Word.