Check Out My Package

The doorbell rings.

Who the hell can it be?

I didn't take a sick day off work to be bothered.

Go to the door and who is it other than the UPS man.

I would forget about that stuff I ordered online last week.

...wait. What did I order last week?

The man in brown hands me the clipboard.

I know the deal:

sign here

initial here

sign again here.

He snatches it back as soon as I lift the pen

which flies along by the chain attached to the board.

Rude bastard, I think

until he hands me three big boxes.

Overwhelmed, I shut the door as his hand opens.

Probably for a tip. Fuck that.

I spent enough on these boxes, I'm sure.

I scout my living room for the nearest sharp object

and spot my keys on the coffee table.

I got to town on the smallest box,

damn near deconstructing it.

It's a book.

A book? I can't even remember the last time I read.

Must have been an impulse buy.

I toss it to the side as I open the next box,

with less aggression as I only slit the tape down the middle

and rip it open with cutting the two side.

I reach inside and pull out a hat.

Immediately I take it out its bag and place it on my head

as I run towards my bathroom mirror.

Look at me. I'm so damn dapper.

Just call me dapper Dan.

Remember there's more to the box

I return to pull out a plaid shirt and blue jeans.

Seem like a nice match together...

but not with the hat.

I must have just bought the hat cause I knew it belonged to me.

With it still topping my figure,

I move my attention to the last remaining box.

Bigger than the first

but smaller than the second.

I cut all the sides this time.

It's like a grand finale.

I drop the box as soon as I open it

and let out a sound of pure joy:

a mannish squeal if you will.

I fall to my knees and pick the box back up

and remove the innards.

It the complete DVD collection of one of my favorite TV shows.

I don't remember buying this one.

Perhaps I sleep-purchased this.

But then I notice a note attached to the back of the DVD case.

"From an admirer" the envelope reads.

I can't even bear to open it yet.

I can only relish in the air that my new possessions offer up.

I even grab the book and flip the pages so I can smell the newness.

It was a good day to stay home.

Word.