A Survey of Strengths

They say it's better to know your strengths
and work on those as opposed to working on you weaknesses.
Because, you know, then
you work toward becoming the best in certain fields
as opposed to being average in everything.

This comes to mind because a sociologist
came to my Directing I class earlier in the week.
She asked us to take this survey online
as part of her research.
It was basically measuring your strengths.
Well, me and my curious self,
I said, sure I'll take it.

The questionnaire was 125 questions
and there 24 character strengths.
I'll list all 24, but I'll only comment
on the top and bottom 5 I scored as.

1) Humor and playfulness
You all could tell this just from reading my blogs
or talkin to me in person.
Any opportunity have to joke around, I will take.
I don't like to be serious.
It's a downer.

2) Kindness and generosity
Well, yes. I am kind.
And yes, I am generous.
If I have it, I will give it to you,
even if I don't want to,
even if I know I'll be broke til you pay me back
[and that's only if you say yourself that you will]
I enjoy to give and spread happiness.

3) Fairness, equity, and justice
I'm a young black gay man with a speech impediment.
How can I judge anyone? haha.
Sure, I'll judge you from first glance,
but I'll always give you the opportunity
to present yourself and I'll make my finally judgments from there.
Also, taking sides? We off that. haah

4) Forgiveness and mercy
You can do wrong by me.
You can hate me at some point.
I can hate you at some point.
But at the end of the day,
I'll still want to hold on to the relationship we share.
I'm not a grudge holder.
I only return the energies I get from you.

5) Modesty and humility
Nigga, I'm illest writer of all time.
OF ALL TIME! haha.
Naw, I'm humble. I often think I'm crap as a writer.
I'll idolize those around me.
It isn't until someone gives me my props
that I will put on an act of arrogence.

6) Curiosity and interest in the world
7) Citizenship, teamwork, and loyalty
8) Judgment, critical thinking, and open-mindedness
9) Honesty, authenticity, and genuineness
10) Gratitude
11) Hope, optimism, and future-mindedness
12) Zest, enthusiasm, and energy
13) Perspective (wisdom)
14) Social intelligence
15) Appreciation of beauty and excellence
16) Spirituality, sense of purpose, and faith
17) Caution, prudence, and discretion
18) Capacity to love and be loved
Actually, can I cut in here?
This saddened me. Haha.
This the kind of shit make a nigga feel like he'll be alone forever. :-(
Whatever, I'll find the one,
and they'll warm my harden heart.

19) Creativity, ingenuity, and originality
I was confused by this.
I like to think I have quite a few ideas.
I just don't vocalize them.
I think I just answered the questions wrong.
Then again, they say no idea is original. [kanye shrug]

20) Industry, diligence, and perseverance
21) Love of learning
Sure, I go to school.
But don't mean I like to learn.
I won't go out of my way.
I don't watch the History or Discovery Channel.
But I think that's part of my appeal.
I accept my ignorance, and I put it on display.
[Secretly, I hope to learn something with every blog I post.]

22) Leadership
I am no leader.
This is no surprise.
I do not have that kind of confidence.
I will follow and throw in my ideas.
But I can only be the front man if I stand alone.
Otherwise, I'll fall back and let you shine.

23) Self-control and self-regulation
As my best friend's mom says,
"You have no shame."
And to a degree, I don't.
If you put something in front of me that I want,
I will go for it. I simply can't resist.
I am still a man of earthly urges.

24) Bravery and valor
See Leadership

So, that seems to be how I break down.
I learned a lil about myself.
And though I do have the urge to
become more of a leader and have more self-control,
I'll hold off and focus on becoming
more forgiving and modest.
"It's just, just what we do."
Word.

If you want this survey go to Google,
type in VIA Inventory of Strengths Survey
and click on the first link.

Outside My Age Group

I find it incrediblely hard
to connect, yet alone talk,
to anyone ten years older than me.
It's always been a struggle for me.

I mean,
it all started when my parents told me
to respect my elders.
This didn't just include like grandparents and such,
but pretty much anyone older than me.
Since then, I have found it hard to open up to "my elders."
This is partly because I was told
"If I don't nothing nice to say, then don't say nothing."
And I really have anything to say
that I would be comfortable discussing with someone older.

I mean,
I feel like I'm always being judged when I do.
I, of course, call them Mr or Ms [insert last name].
It's just my nature.
I'm respective.
[secretly, I'm not.]
See, that's exactly what I mean.
When I talk freely, I get reckless.
And I don't need them to see me in that light.
Most older folk see me as good kid,
and I'd hate to ruin that.

But,
I am attempting to open up a lil bit.
I'm slowly talkin to my mom more about some things.
And a couple teachers and admin can get me to open up.
However, I still have that guard up.
I guess I just have to wait til I get older.

Oh, and as far as
talking to those younger than me...
yeah, I just dumb it down for them.
I don't care what they see me as,
as long as they have respect for me.
Ya feel me?
Haha.
Word.

Spectacular Spectacles

I've worn glasses since two months before I turned 6.
I am near 21 in June.
That's damn near 15 years of something on my face,
something I often forget,
I suppose because I've just got so used to them.

I remember when I was a kid.
My mom picked out my glasses.
She picked ones that wouldn't break easily;
I mean, I was just a kid.
I had those stereotypical big round shits.
The kind that make a mug look geekishly smart.
But I was cute back then,
some would say I looked like a kid of Will Smith's,
so I rocked them with ease. Haha
And I never slept with them on.
It was too hard for me to sleep that way.
Needless to say, I still broke them,
but they never really snapped in the middle.
I usually bent them way outta shape
or the screw would pop out somehow.

My mom had a little home kit to fix specs,
but sometimes we had to go back to Pearle Vision and get em fixed.
We always went to the same one,
so the people there always greeted us.
One of the ladies even gave me baseball cards everytime I came in.
[Granted I didn't know most of the players, but I appreciated them.
I wonder where they are now. Hmm...]

Eventually,
I started to pick out my own glasses,
I think that was around 6th or 7th.
Soon as I had the option,
I picked the good glasses,
Gucci, D&G, etc.
You know, the cool rectangluar kind.
The ones I have now are Prada.
Haha. I never did it on purpose though,
I was never big into labels, even now.
Those were just the ones that felt and looked the best on my face. Haha
And my mom always bought them for me.
I never really realize how spoiled I am.

But of course,
being the boy that I am,
I always treat them just like a regular pair of glasses,
and they get bent and scratched.
They break by the lense poppin out now,
but I know how to fix that myself.
It's always the right eye, too.
I wonder why.

Anywho...
I've had my Pradas for the last 3-4 years.
I usually get a new pair every 2 years.
It's def time for a new look.
And that new look is contacts...
at least that's what I'd like them to be.
Of course, I'd still like a pair of cheap glasses
so I could switch up from day to day.
It's just that so many people have told me I should try 'em
because they think I look fine without them.
Plus then,
I'd be able to rock shades without puttin them
over my normal glasses like I did as a kid
or just walkin around blind like I do now.
Tres chic. Haha.
Word.

Facial Hair & You

So....
I shaved again. Haha.
I had a fairly rough weekend.
Some of you know about it,
but in respect for myself
I can keep tellin the world all my business.
Anyway, shaving was a way of starting anew.

Now, I will tell you this:
part of my bad weekend was contributed to
me wearin my glasses to bed one night and breaking them.
[I'll blog about this tomorrow.]
Now pair my lack of glasses with a lack of facial hair
and you have one damn good disguise.
As Ludacris once joked, "I'm incognegro." Haha
I walked the hallways and passed by people,
and some of them had to do double takes.
I found it kind of funny.
Most people either noticed one or the other,
most didn't notice both.

In other words,
I think facial hair is a big descriptive factor.
It really styles a guy.
I noticed that most white guys are clean-shaven for the most part.
And this works for them.
Although that five o'clock or short stubble
can be very sexy and defining as well.
Others wear full on beards, which is considered manly,
I suppose because women don't usually grow them.
[keyword - usually. Haha]
On black guys, I usually see mustaches and goatees.
Those seem to fit us better,
which is the look I usually sport.
Asians... [stifles laughter].
For the most part, in my encounters with them at least,
I never see them with facial hair.
They may have a few stray chin hairs,
but nothing serious.
But when them mugs get older, ooo, watch out.
Mustaches down to the chest, what? haha

Now, some guys can't even grow facial hair.
I know when I first started to grow a mustache,
I was mad suped. [suped = excited] haha
I couldn't wait to I could grow a full beard like my father.
However... the hair on my cheeks still don't grow out.
But I still can't imagine what it's like for those who are grown
and babyfaced, and not by choice.
I wonder if they learn for facial hair.
Like I said, it's kind of a part of growin up and becomin a man for some men.
Even if they do chose to shave it off,
at least they know they have the option of growin it out.

Of course, there are several advantages to facial hair.
For one, it definitely makes you look older.
Two, it keeps you face warm in them harsh winter months.
Three, it really great for pondering.
Haha. OK, so I was on youtube one day,
and I saw this series of commercials
featuring James Lipton, the host of Inside the Actor's Studio.
The commercials started with some random guy or girl
having to make a decision about something,
and JL would come out of nowhere
take off his beard and place it on their face
so that they may ponder their decision.
I found it hilarious.

What's the best look for you, men?
Ladies, what kind of facial hair do you like?
Men, are you strong enough to handle a women with a little stubble on the top of her lip?
[Pause: why is that so taboo anyway? I guess it's cause facial hair is so connected to manliness like I said earlier. So any guy seeing some of that on a chick makes them think of a dude and then the whole homophobia thing kicks in... Poor ladies. Your standards are set so high.]
Anyway, your facial hair grow.
Grow manly beards that lumberlacks grow.
Get them messy and invite birds to nest in them.
Ok... that's OD, but you get the picture.
Haha.
Word.

Smart, Dumb vs Dumb, Smart

smart, dumb -> thinking you have intelligent thoughts but usually just make an ass of yourself as you don't know what you're saying or doing. Also, doin something crafty/sneaky but getting caught by making a foolish mistake
dumb, smart -> intelligent and knowledgable but lacks common sense. Also, is not always in the loop or says of the wall shit. But truly, they know what they're doing.

These are just how I define them.
Allow me to provide an example for each of them.

Today,
Spike Lee visited my school for a MLK convocation.
It was nice, and he really captured the crowd.
After his lecture it was time for the Q&A section.
For the most part things rolled smoothly:
there were simple questions and well-thought out questions.
Halfway through the Q&A portion of the night,
this black dreadhead gets up to the mic.
He has on a button-down, hoodie, and jeans on,
so to me he seems like one of those concious dudes.
Yeah... that's the appearance he gave off,
and when he first openned his mouth,
he seemed to be goin in the right direction...
but he just started rambling,
taking forever to get to his question.
And when he finally got to the question,
it was all misworded to the point that
Spike Lee didn't even know how to answer it,
but it attempted and brushed the kid off and moved on to the next person in line.
The lad stepped away from the mic,
only to return after two more questions had been asked.
He attempted to ask his question again,
but he took forever to spit it out again,
providing all this unnecessary backstory.
The crowd had long been tired of his antics.
Spike told the guy he didn't have an answer to his question.
To which the guy responded with a "Fuck this shit" or something to that affect
and was quickly escorted out of the room.
..."Smart, dumb niggas and shit" as Ghostface would say.

Now,
there is no greater example of a dumb, smart nigga than me.
I mean well, I know good and right just fine,
but you will often catch me playin the fool.
That's why I'm quiet when people first meet me;
I'm tryna hide that I don't know everything.
I mean... I know damn well I need to improve my spelling and vocab,
but I sure nuff ain't do shit to fix it yet.
I'm not very informed in current events unless Yahoo! news or Twitter tells me about it.
I cannot create cohorent arguments on the spot,
but I can tell you all about something on paper.
I'm also one of those dudes to be slow on catching a joke.
"This dumb, smart nigga" as my best friend once called me. Haha

And that my dear friends [and associates]
is the difference between smart, dumb and dumb, smart.
Needless to say,
I'd gladly be dumb, smart over smart, dumb
because at least then I know when to shut the fuck up.
Word.

Gaydar & Me

So...
I was at this meeting
and the topic of the night was
Gaydar: does it exist and how does it work?
A lot of people...
well, most everyone believed in it.
Quite a few people said it wasn't always there it.
It kind of developed,
either by finding out there were gay themselves
or having a current bf/gf tell them they were gay.
Often times, they can walk right in a room and just tell.

It seems there have been actual studies on the subject as well.
It's in the walk and eyes.
Like... the strides people talk when walking,
how they sit,
how often they look someone in the eyes.
I think, if I remember correctly,
for the eye thing it goes:
gay men, straight women, gay women, straight men.

I, myself,
yes; I believe in gaydar.
Now... do I have it?
Not in the slightest.
I mean shit,
it took me a year to come to the full conclusion that I was gay/bi/whatever.
[I'm starting to like the term my friend came up with "free spirit" more and more each day.]

So you can imagine how hard this makes dating for me.
Especially on a small, very hetero-minded campus like Loyola.
My strategy has been to ask them if they were gay/bi and then just let things go from there.
Hmm, let's see.
There was the kid freshman year whose shirt I put on and then hit on while I was drunk, who got mad and stop talking to me for a month before we talked again, soon after I hit on him again. We no longer talk.
There was the kid sophomore year in a writing class I asked over facebook, and he said he wasn't. That became awkward as soon as I openned that reply. Least he was cool about it though.
And there was a kid junior year (this year) I asked one night when I came back home still a lil drunk saw him working the student desk, sat with him, watched a movie, got some music from, and then posed my infamous question to. The answer was no. I waited a few more minutes and retired to bed.
Now... of course there were two guys who did answer yes... but nothing happened... and that's all I'm goin to say about those encounters.
[Those who somehow might know who I'm talkin about, don't you dare share with your neighbor.
That's for me, you, and the victims of my awkwardness to know]

Haha. I'm also reminded
of how me and my best friend from K through 4th grade
turned out to be gay when I found him on facebook years later.
Funny how we both gravitated to each other at such a young age. Haha

I mean... I've never thought of myself as an obvious gay.
Like, you know,
somebody who you'd look at and say, "Oh, he's gay. Obviously."
But to those with gaydar,
I suppose I am.
My friend spotted me out
during my summer orientation
when he worked the desk to my two-day resident hall
when I only walked past him with my tunnel vision on.
He invited me to chill with some of his friends
and he didn't even let on that he knew until
a little later that summer on AIM.

Short story long,
gaydar is a funny thing I believe in and desperately want.
Word.

Day for a King

So...
today is Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s official bithday.
He would be 71 today.

Now... I'm not gonna bother with any of history.
We should all know that from elementary school
when he had to write reports on him
every Black History Month.
No, I'm here to discuss a couple other things.

First up...
why is his birthday celebrated on the 3rd monday of January?
What, ya'll couldn't change his name like Kunta to Toby
so ya'll changed is birthday?
See, the "Man" always...
Naw, I'm playin. Haha.
I think it's because it's a federal holiday..?
I'm not sure, so don't hold me to it.
I guess dudes just wanted to make sure they got that day off, kna'mean?
Like, "Aw, Dr. King. Good looks on the day off, my nig."
Of course callin Dr. King a nigga, even in the positive sense is wrong
cause he never supported the use of the word...
unless you count that one Boondocks episode. haha

The second issue I wanted to talk about:
So, I was doing a lil research,
tryna find if I could actually find why his birthday is celebrated on the 3rd monday,
and as usual I checked wikipedia first.
Now pause.
Did ya'll know that not all the states celebrated his day for a hot minute.
It became an official U.S. holiday in 1983 and was observed for the first time in 1986.
All 50 states ain't recongize til 2000.
Ya'll. That's a decade ago.
I don't know, something just got to me about that.
I know he wasn't like an elected official or anything but still.
Give the man his shine.
He was the voice of a generation
and the hope for those that would follow.

Also,
did ya'll know Stevie Wonder's song "Happy Birthday"
was created to help the campaign to make MLK Day an official national holiday?
That's what Wiki says. Haha
.....
Shit, lookin at the lyrics now,
yeah, Steve definitiely is talkin bout Dr. King.
I mean, we only sing the chorus at black birthday parties, I'm sorry. haha

Anyway,
I'll bring this post to an end.
Have a pleasant and prosperous weekend, my good friends [and associates].
Be productive and don't do nothing dumb that would shame "us."
Word.

The 21st Century Idiot Box

I forget who said it first,
but television is with doubt an idiot box.
You sit in front of it and become carefree.
For the most part,nothing is required of you.
You don't need to analyze anything.
You may answer along to shows like Jeopardy or Cash Cab,
wonder who the killer is on CSI: Miami,
attempt to memorize quotes said on Jersey Shore,
but it is nothing substancial.
Your imagination retreats and slowly dies
as the televison screen presents images so you don't have to.

It is easy to say that his generation
and perhaps the one priorhave been raised on TV.
However... the threat of TV is declining...
...as the hold of the internet increases.
More and more of our time is spent online.
We browse social networks;
we hold conversations and video chats from miles away;
we shop;
we market ourselves;
we watch television shows and movies on demand.

The internet is becoming one stop, do it all place,
As a result,
I believe the computer screen to be the new idiot box.

Now,of course I am just as guilty.
And as my friend's mother would say to me,
"You have no shame."
But it's hard to resist.I mean...
I was one of those kids who was raised on TV.
I only read books when I got my TV privileges taken away.
It's a mystery how my imagination remained intact,
even more so why I'm so interested in writing.

In any case,we need to revert to more primitave days.
We need to return to the original idiot box:
a cardboard box.
You remember the days of getting a gift in a big box and only playing with it,
turning it into a home/spaceship/office/jungle/other endless possiblities.
Perhaps then we'll become more active and involved again.
Word.

Amatuer Photographer

I've always been a guy of the arts.
You know,writing, drawing, acting, singing, dancing.
I'm not that good at all of them,
but I like to think I hold a fair amount of skill.
In addition to those, though,
I've always been intrigued by photography.

I suppose you can saw it started in high school.
I had started working for the literary magazine as an Art editor,
but I sometimes reviewed photography as well.
I was still more taken in my visual art than photos,
but they still sparked something in my mind,
a wick that led to a stick of dynamite labeled "I Can Do That."
Junior year was the year it exploded
and I began taking pictures with my mother's digital camera.
Sometimes I would upload them and edit them with Photoshop.
Only if I wanted to play with the effects or lighting of a picture.
Usually I just let it be.

I took okay pictures, some of which turned out fairly well.
The last time I really shot photos was August 2007
when I was away in Edinburgh, Scotland for a Theatre Festival.
After that, I had to leave my mother's camera in Jersey
as I began college down here in Baltimore.

Since then,
I've been taking little photos on my camera phone.
Usually it's sunsets and other miscellanous things.
I just felt it necessary to keep up what little photography I did.
This past Christmas, though,
I'm happy to say my mother gave me my own digital camera.
It's not as good as the one she had,
but it's small and managable.
I went on a little walk last night to see how it handled.
I probably should have read the instructional booklet,
but where's the fun in that.
I got a couple of okay shots,
most of them came out blurrier than they seemed in the preview.
[kanye shrug]

I'm still hoping to get a hold of a real camera.
You know, the kind that you have to focus yourself,
the kind a few of my friends have,
who produce excellent photography.
Maybe I'll take a class on photography before I graduate.
Maybe.

Because...
a picture just might inspire a thousand words in me.
Word.

Run My Fingers Through It

I have an obsession with long hair on a woman.
Why, the other day,
I saw a friend who had been away for a semester abroad.
So I snuck up behind her and ran my fingers through her hair.
She freaked, of course, but then she realized it was just me.
I don't get too many opportunities to play with a girl's hair.

I mean, for the most part,
women don't like nobody in their hair
unless it's their hairdresser,
especially black women.
Their hair can be harder to take care of sometimes.
The other reason is that
maybe they don't want nobody to feel the tracks
from their weave or wig in their hair.

Now, me myself,
I usually can't tell if a girl has a weave or wig on
unless I already know what their natural hair looks like.
For the longest, I couldn't understand
why ladies would even do that to themselves.
It has to get hot under that hair-hat.
But then I realized that I was not alone in my fascination.
Most men like long hair,
be it just the visual,
or being able to stroke and grab the hair during times of intimacy.

Looking from the female perspective though,
I don't think long hair on a guy is attractive.
Well.... different lengths work for different men.
Usually blonde haired guys can rock the long hair surfer look.
Otherwise, buzzed or short hair is what attracts the ladies.
Long hair on a guy often makes them look feminine,
and women don't want to go to be with a feminine man...
well... most women don't.

I don't know.
Just my thoughts.
As always,
feel free to weigh in on the matter.
Word.

First of the Year, Icebreakers

First post of the year, playboi!
Hope you all had a great break like I did.
I wasn't really sure what to talk about
to bring in the new year.
That's part of why it's been so long since I've posted anything.
So... I think I'll just rant freely in this one.

Today was the first day back of classes.
I gotta say, I enjoyed all 3 I had today.
But they will definitely be full of work.
Why is that?
Why do the best classes, the ones that really interest you,
always involve the most work?
Hmm.. I guess it's because that way you're really learning and experiencing the class.

Oh, so I was in my Theology class today,
in the teacher is original from Holland and everything,
so he has a Dutch accent.
But tell me why he was tryna find everyones religious and ethnic backgroundduring attendance today as a form of getting to know the class.
He would guess from names and looks.
I mean, sure the class is talkin about different religions to Christianity, but still.
Now, my name is Charles Clark.
I had on this blue headwrap thingy.
He asked me my religious background.
I said Christianity, and he said oh,
obviously disappointed.
I guess he expected the only black kid in the class to be Muslim.
I think it's funny how immigrants get away with prejudices and making charactizing like that and American white people don't. Haha.

My Advanced Fiction teacher wanted to get to know us too.
There were only 6 kids in the class,
so he had us pair off and interview each other these sets of questions.
Some of the questions I thought could be prying a lil, but you know me.
One of the questions was what is your perfect world,
and I said, "one where everyone just speaks their mind."

I had my Directing class last.
Most of knew each other before the class,
since the theatre program at Loyola is only but so big.
So we talked about how we got into acting and why we wanted to direct.
For me, it was that I usually direct different little scenarios in my head.
Also I have a play I wrote a while back, and I wanna know how to direct it.
I mean, being a writer/director can have it's advantages, right?

Anyway, I think that's enough for now.
Til later, my dear friends [and associates].
Word.