Everything is black. That is until Theo busts in from the living room into the bedroom blasting Jay-Z’s apology track to Beyonce. An odd choice for a wakeup song, but I indulge him by pulling my arms from under the covers to wave them in the air like a wacky inflatable flailing tubeman.
“Yo, turn that shit off,” Fernando says with his back towards us. Theo responds wordlessly by jumping on his bed, bouncing along to the track. I can’t help but laugh as Fernando tries and fails to wrestle Theo off. “Why do you have this much energy in the morning? Shoulda never let you niggas crash on my couch.”
“Come on, get up! I’m hungry, but I’m not actually staying here. I ain’t tryna go down there by myself.” Theo was staying with our friend throwing the cookout this weekend, but when our host went home early from the bar last night Theo followed us back to our hotel room. I’m still not sure how his wife managed to book us a room at the Embassy for $54 a night, but I am eternally grateful to her. Wanting to take full advantage of this golden opportunity, I reach for my glasses on the nightstand and prop myself up. “See, Greg’s ready for this free breakfast.”
“Free for you. This included in our--”
“Yeah, yeah,” Theo interrupts. “You getting up or not?”
“I’ll meet ya’ll downstairs.”
“Yeah, ok,” I say over Jay-Z’s bars. “These beds too comfy. I think you need to drag him out.” Fernando immediately pops his head and glares at Theo with “don’t you dare” eyes, but he’s already in motion. Theo grabs his ankles and proceeds to pull. “Yaaaas! Drag him! Wait… oh shit, stop stop.” But by then it’s too late and Fernando’s on the hotel floor butt naked. “I always forget you’re a nudist when you sleep. Well, you’re up now. Put on some clothes, Tarzan.”
Fernando curses us out until we reached the breakfast bar in the lobby. Only the fresh pineapple at the start of the table is able to soothe him. From the look on his face, it seems to be a religious experience, like the juicer communion we all yearn for. He piles his plate with the fruit, barely leaving room for anything else. When we find a table to sit at, he immediately leaves to grab a bagel from the table in the corner. As I watch him throw his carbs in the toaster, I notice a white kid in a backwards red hat walk by. I gasp. “Theo, get yo manz.”
“Hey, if Fernando just wants fruit and carbs, I say let him rock. More meat for the rest of us. I know how much you love sausage.”
“That was a lazy gay joke, even for you. No, I’m talking about that kid over there next to him.” I point with a glass in my hand trying not to be too obvious, but I’m sure I failed.
“Is that…”
“A fucking Make America Great Again hat? Yeah. It’s my first time actually seeing one in person.”
“Mine, too,” Theo responds. “Damn, white people. They keep making me look bad. How long you think until Fernando notices?” And as if in a summer blockbuster comedy, it is at that moment Fernando and the kid both reach for the same packet of cream cheese. The kid immediately recoils his hand - out of fear or disgust, I’m not sure - and turns his head away, revealing the message on his hat. Fernando’s eyes bulge out in surprise. “Aw shit.”
“Ayo, my man, “ Fernando calls out. “What’s that on your head?”
It’s hard to hear the kid from so far away, but from Fernando’s over-expressive face, I decide to draw my own conclusions. “I think he just said, ‘You know what is, you fuckin’ beaner.’”
“Naw, that kid would be through the table by now. It was probably something more like, ‘It’s a hat you’d never be worthy of wearing.’ Yeah, no, he’d be through the table if he said that, too. Honestly, I’m just surprised that kid is down here by himself.”
“Especially in that hat. I mean, it’s not like it ain’t diverse down here. Actually I think we outnumber ya’ll right now. Don’t worry, I know your face so I won’t punch you by accident if a race war pops off right now.”
“Much appreciated.”
Without noticing, Fernando’s already back at our table but without his bagel. He doesn’t look too upset. “Hey… ya’ll see that kid over there in the MAGA hat?” We nod. “Well, he’s down here by himself, so I invited him to eat with us. I figured this could be a teaching moment… but then, I remember I’m fuckin’ tired. So if ya’ll could entertain his questions, that’d be great.” Before we could respond “Bruh!” he turns around and walks back to retrieve his bagel as the kid comes walking our way.
“Five bucks this kid’s name is Timmy,” Theo whispers.
The kid sits down and doesn’t say a word to us. He just starts eating his bagel, the only thing on his plate. I decide to break the tension, “Well, hello there, you… preteen?” I look at Theo begging him to take over, but he’s not biting. “I’m Greg. This guy that looks like you is Theo. What’s your name?”
“Tommy,” he responds.
“Gotdammit,” Theo slams his hand on the table, startling Tommy. “I was close, though.”
“I know,” I say. “Who would have guessed he’d be the loud one?” Tommy laughs, letting me know he already knows a few stereotypes. “So, what’s up with your hat?”
“It’s my dad’s. He’s upstairs asleep. I’m wearing it so it’s like he’s down here with me.”
“Ah. If that wasn’t such an awful hat that’d be kinda cute.” I notice he’s starting to feel uncomfortable, so I change the subject. “Umm… hear any good music lately?”
“I’ve been listening to the new Jay-Z.”
“Whatchu know about Jay-Z, youngblood,” Theo said finally jumping in. “And more importantly, how’d you listen? I feel like your dad ain’t exactly the Tidal having type.”
“My mom put it on my phone. She likes doing things that make my dad mad. I just like listening to music. His beats are pretty dope.”
“Your mom’s pretty cool. Where’s she at?” I ask.
“She’s in New York. It’s my dad’s weekend, and he decided to show me the first state. I think I’m supposed to be learning something,” Tommy says as he eats the last of his bagel. “I should get back upstairs, though. He told me to bring him back some eggs and a coffee.”
“Oh, ok. Well it was cool talking to you, Tommy. Before you go, what’s your favorite track off that Jay’s new album?”
“The loud one. The one with him apologizing and stuff. It’s my mom’s favorite, too.” He walks to the breakfast bar. Fernando finally returns to the table.
“I’m mad you actually stayed away that whole time,” I call out. “That kid wasn’t that bad, honestly.”
“Yeah well, it was more so my payback for dragging me out of bed,” Fernando retorts. “Don’t do it again.”
“Funny enough, that kid likes the song Theo woke you up with.”
Theo throws his hands into the air. “Yes, for I am all knowing. Bow down and appreciate my music taste!” Fernando throws a piece of pineapple at Theo, but he catches it in his mouth. “Thank you for your offering, my child.”
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