Spill the Beans

Matteo and his sleepover buddy Chris are beginning their day with beverages when Matteo discovers something unsettling.

MATTEO

What do you mean you don’t drink coffee?

CHRIS

I just never got into it. Juice has always been fine.

MATTEO

Fruit? In the morning? Why are you cussing at me? I haven’t had my coffee yet.

CHRIS

I’m amazed you aren’t suffering from scurvy.

MATTEO

Actually, my back tooth fell out last week.

CHRIS

But seriously, just give me a lil sugar and I’ll be on my way.

MATTEO

You don’t crash off that shit?

CHRIS

I mean, I usually have a natural high off life going by then.

MATTEO

You’re a fucking morning person.

CHRIS

I’m not even. I’m a night owl by trade. Or at least I used to be. Honestly, I blame 9-to-5s.

MATTEO

All the more reason you should definitely be drinking coffeeeeee.

CHRIS

Like, I adore the smell, but the taste: bleh! And if I’m just gonna sweeten it with milk and sugar, I might as well be drinking chocolate milk. Ooo! Hot cocoa!

MATTEO

Juice. Hot cocoa. You’re a fucking child.

CHRIS

You leave my playful ignorance and boyishly good looks out of this.

MATTEO

Whatever. More for me.

CHRIS

Besides, I’m already addicted to booze in the evening. Why would I want something controlling me in the A.M. too?

MATTEO

You just don’t get it. There’s just something about being able to excuse your shitty behavior on not having had coffee yet that makes it all worth it.

CHRIS

Yeah, yeah. I’m already changing your alarm clock to Zombie by the Cranberries.

MATTEO

Again with the fruit!