Pilot Season

INT. ERNIE’S BEDROOM - DAY

Ernie’s bedroom is moderately sized. Movie and sitcom posters cover the walls. On the stand next to his bed are multiple crushed empty bar cans, a half empty bottle of bourbon, and an oversized black dildo. Ernie lies on his bed face down with his laptop closed next to him.

There’s a knock at the door. Jeremy and Vernon crack open his door and stand in the doorway.

JEREMY

Hey budddddddy. How ya feeling? Doing better?

ERNIE

[muffled, into his pillow] I’m not hungover; I’m just sad.

JEREMY

We know, buddy. We know. It’s just that… well, it’s been like two months.

ERNIE

Seven weeks, two days, thirteen hours, and twenty-one minutes. It’s my new hobby.

JEREMY

Yeah, but don’t you have a better hobby that would actually take your mind of that?

VERNON

Motherfucker, write something for us already! Ya sad fuck!

JEREMY

What Vernon is trying to say is that your actor friends would like to get this Youtube thing off the ground. You know so we can get our names out there.

VERNON

Yeah, I’m tryna get my dick sucked and pulling up our bomb ass video with mad views on my phone is definitely gonna help.

JEREMY

Relax, you know he doesn’t like pressure.

VERNON

Jeremy, this lazy fuck should have had something for us even before Jason left!

JEREMY

Hey, he can’t help his depression. It comes in waves, and [whispers] thou who shall not be named [regular voice] abandoning us sure didn’t help. Although I’m sure all the drinking Ernie’s been doing isn’t helping.

ERNIE

[turning over] Stop talking about me like I’m not here. And we basically live in a frat house; how do you expect me to not be constantly drunk?

VERNON

Well if you were not drunk or depressed long enough to write us some good shit, we wouldn’t be harassing you.

ERNIE

Joke’s on you, I have been writing stuff. I just don’t like any of it. Also none of them are finished. I kind of just keep starting and stopping and moving on ‘cause it’s all shit. All shit. Just like me.

[Ernie turns onto his stomach again and pulls a pillow over his head. Jeremy sits on his bed while Vernon walks more into the room but hovers close to the door.]

JEREMY

Hey, hey. Ernie, I’m sure it’s good stuff. Your brain’s probably just playing tricks with you. What do you call that guy again?

ERNIE

Clarence.

JEREMY

Right, Clarence is just making you see the wackness when you need to be seeing the dopeness.

VERNON

Yeah, fuck Clarence!

ERNIE

Don’t use one of my favorite movies on me. [pause] Fine. You’re probably right.

JEREMY

I know I am. Now…

[Jeremy eyes Ernie’s laptop and reaches for it.]

...if me and Vernon could just take a peek at a few of them.

[Ernie snatches his laptop and tucks it under his chest.]

ERNIE

Hell no.

VERNON

Oh, come on! Just let us look at ‘em so we can tell you which one we like so you can work on it more and we can make you the next Donald Glover or whatever.

ERNIE

[poking his head up] Oh. Well, when you put it that way.

[Ernie sits up and hands his laptop over to Jeremy. He then reaches for the bottle of bourbon, taking sips from it intermittently.]

JEREMY

Thank you. What’s your password again?

[Ernie leans to whisper in Jeremy’s ear.]

VERNON

Oh, fuck you too, Ernie.

JEREMY

Alright, I’m assuming they’re all in this folder labeled “You Worthless Fuck”?

ERNIE

No, that’s basically my Burnbook, I mean journal folder. You want “What Is This Shit?”

JEREMY

Ah, true. Makes sense. Alright we’ve got three scripts in here. Not bad, man. Ok, first one up: Earnestly Ernest.

VERNON

That title sucks.

JEREMY

You’re not helping.

[Jeremy skims the document.]

Um… ok, it’s only one scene and it’s basically what I’m assuming is a word-for-word retelling of the last conversation you had with Ja-- I mean, some guy we used to know. You sure this one shouldn’t be in the “Fuck” folder?

ERNIE

It has some worth, I think. Also, it’s not word for word. I cleaned up the language a lot.

JEREMY

Mm, well, still, I feel like this might be a little too fresh for us to work on now.

ERNIE

You are correct, sir.

JEREMY

Alright, next one: Feels.

VERNON

You’re really in touch with your emotions, huh there, buddy? What’s this one, a bunch of people sitting around in a circle bitching about their problems with Ernie’s usual snark through in?

JEREMY

Actually, this one’s about a pink monster that runs around demanding hugs from everyone. Imagine a Barney-sized Ditto that doesn’t have boundaries. It’d be kind of sweet if it didn’t come off a little rape-y.

ERNIE

It’s not rape-y, it’s needy. It has a huge yearning for the human touch.

JEREMY

Yeah, but he just goes up to everyone and doesn’t ask their consent.

ERNIE

He’s a bad communicator!

JEREMY

Well, he’d have to be more of a villain than a sympathetic character.

ERNIE

Mmm, agree to disagree.

[Ernie takes a large swig of bourbon. Vernon reaches out for the bottle. Ernie hesitantly hands it over. Vernon takes a swig and hands the bottle back.]

JEREMY

Oh shit. Ernie, I like this Kept Man one though. Do you think you can break it up?

ERNIE

No, that’s definitely more of an one-man piece. I kind of wrote it with you in mind, Jeremy.

JEREMY

Really? Oh buddy, you shouldn’t have. This is brilliant. Honestly.

VERNON

Whoa whoa whoa. No way am I gonna let Jeremy be the breakout star; if anyone deserves a one man show, it’s me.

JEREMY

Vernon, relax. We obviously can’t open our channel with just me. It’s gonna be something ensembly. Besides, this would set the bar waaaay too high for us.

[Jeremy smirks at Ernie who smirks back.]

VERNON

Ugh, you two are gross. Just bang already.

[Ernie takes another swig from the bottle and looks away from Jeremy.]

So what are we gonna do? We still don’t have shit.

JEREMY

Ernie, do you think you could work on a couple more scripts? I think I have an idea or two to toss your way.

ERNIE

I don’t know. I was hoping to wallow in my own filth a little more, but I guess I can clean up my act a bit.

JEREMY

Perfect. Vernon, makes us some breakfast! Ernie and I are gonna workshop some.

VERNON

It’s basically brunch at this point.

ERNIE

Yes, I’ll take a mimosa, please.

[Vernon rolls his eyes as he snatches the bottle from Ernie and takes another sip. He throws the bottle back on the bed and leaves the room while Ernie and Jeremy begin to hatch out a plan of action.]