I’ve always thought plants were just trying to reclaim the Earth from settlers. You know, they say we evolved from apes, but what if we’re actually aliens that got strained here years ago and have been making the best of a shitty situation ever since. I mean, it would make sense why so many people don’t care about recycling or destroying the ozone just so they can keep making a profit. It’s weird. And allergies! Like, think about it. People are allergic to things that grow out of the ground. That doesn’t seem like intelligent design to me.
But no, really, I think Mother Nature is at war with us. Back to the allergies, trees and plants release pollen just to fuck with our sinuses. I’m out here choking to death every May and July because I don’t want big medicine fucking with my body chemistry, hoping by body will evolve. Some cool nostril flaps would be nice. ...ok, fine, they’re trying to pollinate and reproduce. But consider this: more than one thing can be true. Huh, yeah, how ‘bout that?
Like, these plants are out to get us. The other day, I was doing some landscaping when I saw it. I bent down to pull off a thin vine from my chain link fence, and I saw the little fucker actually creep and crawl and wrap itself around the metal. It was the most surreal thing I’ve ever seen. Like, plants are really alive. So of course I killed that motherfucker before it could claim anymore of my land. Like that abandon mansion a mile south of the arts museum. You’ve seen it: completely covered in vines and moss. That shit isn’t natural art; that’s conquest. And yeah, all this green shit supplies us with air and food and atmosphere and whatever, but I, for one, refuse to coexist with simple organisms trying to take my land away.
And that’s why I don’t want your stinking rose, April. Attracting me with its cuteness just so it can stab me with its thorn. Fuck outta here! Can’t fool me.
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