Too Many Good Deeds Go Unpunished

INT. LEAGUE OF MAELSTROM SECRET HQ, ASSEMBLY HALL - NIGHT

Mindstroke, supreme leader of the League of Maelstrom, stands behind a podium on the main stage of the Assembly Hall. His brain throbs atop his head encased in a strong, clear material. A large monitor floats behind him. Before him sit five rows of super villains, seats left open between many of them and four empty rows behind them.

MINDSTROKE

My brothers and sisters, let us not waste anytime. You all know why I called you in today.

[Miniscule, an inch high villain, sits on Vivacious shoulder.]

MINISCULE

(whispering into Vivacious’ ear) Because you wanted us to stare at your new brain display.

MINDSTROKE

Our numbers have dwindled and so has the amount of evil in the world. Why, just last year this hall was full of villains. Now there are less than half of us with the others either locked up, dead, or worse: converted.

[Villains boo.]

With so few villains out to cause havoc and chaos and general discomfort for people, the balance between good and evil is lost.

[He touches his finger to his temple and the screen behind him shows different graphs of evil doing and good deeds, flipping between different slides as he speaks]

As you can see, it’s looking to be about 78% good to 22% evil, but we want it somewhere more in the 60/40 region. Preferably in our favor, of course.

DIMATAP

Mindstroke, we didn’t come here for a lesson in statistics. Just get to the point!

MINDSTROKE

Hphm. Not even the accountant appreciates my slides. Fine.

[Dimatap crosses her arms]

We’ll skip ahead then.

[Mindstroke fast forwards until he gets to a slide of Earth from space’s perspective]

I’m afraid that if we don’t increase our wrongdoing, the Earth will sense the imbalance and begin to tilt out of orbit. When this happens, the Earth will spiral around the Sun until we crash into Venus or Mercury OR we disintegrate into the Sun. Although I’m sure we’ll all die of some natural disaster before any of those happen.

[Bernard raises his hand from the fifth row. Mindstroke huffs.]

Yes, Bernard?

BERNARD

Actually, my goal is to see the Earth destroyed by it crashing into the sun, so I’m fine with this. I’m just gonna go. Thanks for the cookies and juice box, though. Made for a great mixer.

[Bernard gathers his snacks and heads for the door]

MINDSTROKE

Ugh! What kind of villain name is Bernard anyway? Bernard.

[Bernard throws up a middle finger. Mindstroke sends a bolt of electricity from his brain towards Bernard. When it hits his middle finger, it is redirected at Mindstroke who ducks behind his podium just in time to miss the hit.]

BERNARD

The kind that doesn’t reveal my superpower, jerkwad. Good luck trying to stop Earth from tailspinning.

[Bernard exits]

MINDSTROKE

Fuckin’ Bernand.

[Jigger raises her hand]

Yes, um… actually, I don’t know your name.

JIGGER

Jigger, sir.

MINDSTROKE

Oh yes, one of the recent promotees from the henchmen branch. Glad to have you among us. What is it?

JIGGER

Well, I’m new and all - and I trust you when you say all this because your brain is so ridiculously huge - but if the Earth is really going to roll out of its orbits, wouldn’t the heroes be worried about it, too?

MINDSTROKE

No, my dear, because the heroes are idiots. Wacko and his lackeys don’t believe in the Balance, let alone that it could throw a planet off. They’re more concerned with eradicating all evil so they can look perfect in the public’s eye. Sadly, it’s working.

[Vivacious, a curvy but powerful man, stands up. His chesticles jiggle with every word he speaks.]

VIVACIOUS

So what are we going to do about this conundrum then, oh great and powerful Oz?

[The villainous audience is shortly hypnotized by Vivacious’ chest. Mindstroke waits until most of them snap out of it to respond.]

MINDSTROKE

Well, it’s simple really: recruitment. And please cover yourself so I don’t have to wait for these idiots to snap out of their stupor every time you speak.

[Vivacious complies]

MINISCULE

Awwww.

VIVACIOUS

Recruit who exactly? Civilians? Why don’t we just promote more grunts like Digger over there?

JIGGER

Jigger. My name is Jigger, actually.

VIVACIOUS

Honey, you should really consider changing your name before someone else calls you out of it.

MINDSTROKE

Not civilians. They’d take too long to train. No, no, I’m talking about those already on the edge. If Wacko has been able to convert our men, why shouldn’t we go after a few of his?

MINISCULE

(through her tiny megaphone) Because we tried that before and it didn’t work. Remember The Yankee.

VIVACIOUS

Yeah, that kid nearly blew his own brains out. We just ended up sending him to the looney bin.

MINDSTROKE

That kid already had his problems before we got to him; we just misread him. No, we need to be more careful and go after the right people. I’ve been training myself to be more connected to the Balance, and I’ve discovered someone very close to Wacko can be turned.

[Mindstroke changes to a slide of a hero with spiky black hair, a black face mask, and a grey t-shirt]

Jonny Lightning.

DIMATAP

No way.

JIGGER
Oooo.

VIVACIOUS

You’re kidding me. Your--

MINDSTROKE

Just look at him. This is him two months ago. And this--

[Flipping to the next slide, his arms are covered in black.]

--is him now. His body is already changing. There’s a darkness consuming him; he won’t be able to find the light much longer. And when he’s down, we’ll be there to catch him before Wacko has a chance to save him. With him on our side, there’s no telling the trouble we’ll be able to cause.

VIVACIOUS

And how exactly are we supposed to do that? I doubt he’ll listen to any of us. Actually, I know for a fact Wacko would never let any of us close enough to him.

MINDSTROKE

Which is why the lovely Jigger will be going undercover. Well, not undercover per say. She’ll just be transferring schools to get closer to the boy thunder.

JIGGER

I will?

MINDSTROKE

Why, of course. You want to prove yourself as valuable to the League, don’t you? You didn’t graduate to the adults’ table for nothing. Or do you want to see the Earth burn to a crisp?

JIGGER

N-no. I can do it. I just don’t think--

MINDSTROKE

Leave the thinking to me, my dear. You’ll be fine. Miniscule, you’ll be accompanying her to make sure everything goes smoothly.

VIVACIOUS

Now wait a minute!

[Vivacious drops the blanket he used to cover himself. The other villains are hypnotized.]

MINDSTROKE

Vivacious, how many times do I have to tell you, claim your tits!